Ev
I feel awful. I think I am going to die. I refuse to die in this place. If I have to die, I want to die out of here-in the street, in the hospital; anywhere but here. I stood up and the room seemed to spin but I didn’t fall down; maybe the IV antibiotics were working.
I looked at the window, where I had last seen my son…it was covered with wood. I howled in complete despair. He knew Donnie had been here. He knew. I didn’t hear him upstairs. He must not be home. I kept screaming and bellowed with sadness and anger. I stood up on the bed and began to wiggle the bar. It had been tightened.
Fuck! He knew and that means things are going to get worse. I was going to be alive much longer. I knew he was going to kill me eventually but he would make me suffer. He would rape me and hurt me repeatedly and use Donnie as a morsel to keep me in my place. I pulled hard on the chains. I was only connected by one cuff now.
Ha! One hand down, one to go. I laughed with lunatic glee. My whole body shaking with the laugh. I didn’t even know what I was laughing about. Nothing about this situation was funny. I was in a nightmare. I was losing my mind.
I had to keep my wits about me. I had a son. I had family. I had friends. I had been strong through a bad divorce, been on my own for years. I could survive this. I could.
I kept wiggling the bar.
It was slowly loosening but it was not going to be an easy task. I was weak. I wiggled it and wiggled it willing it to move further and further. It didn’t. I sat down on the bed exhausted and defeated.
I looked at the one hand I had. My left. My non dominate hand. That was part of the problem. Tears streamed down my face but they weren’t from defeat. They were determination. I still had my mind, such as it was; one hand and two legs. I wasn’t completely handicapped. The one hand was handcuffed but my legs weren’t. Although, I felt my sanity slipping, something else was rising. Self-preservation. I wanted to live. There is not much a mother wouldn’t do to survive and return to their young. I was willing to do anything; even if I didn’t know what that was yet.