Donnie
I am not going to lie. Looking at my mother is hard. All I see is the things that monster did to her. I know I am young but I know what rape is. Kids don’t ever want to imagine their parent’s having sex. I get that, but to look at your mom and see these things that happened to her. I’ve heard my grandmother whispering. “It’s a good thing she is done having children,” I heard her say on the phone to a family member. “I think that vile man ruined her insides. What if he had gotten her pregnant? I don’t even want to think of it. It gives me nightmares. I’m just so glad she has had a hysterectomy." she paused to catch her breath. "I can’t even imagine how she is going to recover emotionally and mentally from this. What kind of monster does that to a woman?"
She didn’t know I overheard her. I heard her on the phone to another a family member talking about the tears in her privates. How does a man get off on that? I know it isn’t about the sex-it’s about the power. I know that that mother fucker enjoyed it because he had all the power when he had my mother. It wasn’t about the sex. It was the violence and feeling like he owned her that got him off. I also heard my grandmother tell my grandfather that the doctor said mom could have surgery to reduce the scarring on her back. I haven’t heard mom mention it. When I look at her all I see is Adam on top of her pounding away. I hope I don’t see my mother like that forever. It’s horrible. I know she feels repugnant about herself. It won’t can’t change what happened. Believe me, if I could change it I would. I would change everything. I would change my behavior from the past and would have been nicer.
I wonder if I had still lived with her if this would have ever happened? It many ways I feel I am at fault. I guess my mother and me have guilt we will have to deal with.