Epilogue: Ev
I decided to go see Adam. Rayland had tried to talk me out of it. (When did I start thinking of him as Rayland instead of Detective Hope?) I told him I had too and he insisted on driving me. I acquiescenced and that seemed to calm him down, but I refused to let him go in with me to see him. It was something I had to do on my own.
I walked into the jail and signed in. They made me leave all my pens or anything I had at the sign in desk. They took me into a room, where Adam sat with handcuffs on connected to bolted down table. He smiled when he saw me.
“Ev, you look wonderful,” he told me. I sat across from him. He tried to reach across the table to hold my hand but the cuffs attached to the table stopped him.
“Why did you choose me?” I asked him, skipping the niceties.
He threw his head back and laughed. “Still stuck on that, are you? You weren’t like all the other girls. You weren’t a Barbie, you had a spark inside you that I had to put out. Did your spark go out?”
I shook my head in disgust. “I loved being inside you,” he continued. “I still touch myself when I think of it.”
I didn’t respond to him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.
“I love that if you ever sleep with another man, it will be me that you think of. I broke you. I fucked your soul. Every time a man touches you, whether through sex or accidentally brushing against you in a store, you will think of me. I was that good, My dick reached parts of you no man will ever be able to reach.”
“Adam, do you really believe that?” I asked him. He still thought he had the power.
He grinned. “Oh yes. I believe that you and I shared something very few can ever understand. I transferred some of my darkness into you.”
I stood up. “Yes you did, but with you darkness made you a monster, with me…it made me a survivor. It made me the fire you can’t put out. No one can put the fire in me out. I am so much more than just a spark." I leaned over and spit in his face. “You can’t touch that with your dick. I am a survivor and the darkness in me will make me stronger and more resilient and your darkness will just make you more evil and pathetic. You are going to die in prison. My darkness is going to make me help others, not destroy them. What are you going to do with the darkness once it has no way to act out, Adam? It’s not like you can just walk out of here. The pictures of what you did to me has made you a devil in the media. I am not stupid. You are ruined."
"You act as if I am going to be here for a long time, Ev." The cuffs wouldn’t let him wipe of the spit on his face. He was boiling with rage. I turned and left the room before he could spew any more horrible things.
I walked out to the car, I was shaken but I was proud of myself for not letting it show in front of Adam. Rayland was waiting for me. He was pacing outside the car. He had recovered well from his surgery. He was still on light duty at work. I looked at him as I walked toward the car. I really looked at him. He was a handsome man. His shaved head and beard looked good on him. His eyes were green and when I looked into them sometimes I noticed I didn’t want to turn away. This was a new feeling for me. It had been years since I was attracted to a man and he had been good to me after I had escaped from Adam. It hit me then. I was not ruined. I could feel again, it was just going to take some time. I smiled and looked into the sun, feeling the warmth on my face.
“What are you smiling about?” he asked me. He was taking a drag on his cigarette. I reached up on my tippy toes and kissed his cheek. He was surprised. “What was that for?”
“I just realized something. The sun is warm and you’ve been great, even though you didn’t want me to come out here to see him."
He laughed. “Have you ever tried to argue with yourself, lady?”
I hugged him. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t move away from the contact. I was making progress. “Thank you.”
He kissed my forehead. “For what?”
“For believing Donnie and Dug.”
“They were hard to turn away. I felt something when I heard Dug.”
“I know. It’s hard not too and the love my son has for him is hard to not take seriously.” I agreed.
We separated from our hug. “Let’s go get some food,” I suggested.
“Sounds great,” he agreed and took my hand in his. I squeezed his hand. Baby steps.
One step at a time.