Ev
I heard him pacing above me. The pacing worried me. It meant something was bothering him. I knew he would be down here today. My guts told me he would. I had to try to keep his mood even or he could get angry again and instead of whipping me until I bled; he could kill me. I didn’t want to die.
I don’t think he really wanted to kill me. He wanted me to be his; to want him and need him. The very thought of that made bile rise into my throat. I remembered when I read books or had seen movies where women were held captive I would ask: why didn’t the woman seduce her keeper? Now, I understood. The very thought of touching them made them physically ill and unable to be who they really were. Seducing this monster would kill my soul. I would never be able to look at myself again in the mirror if I survived this. I had never used sex to survive…I wasn’t going to start now. I was so lost in my thoughts; I didn’t hear my keeper come down the stairs.
I startled when I heard his voice. “How are you today?”
“Sore,” I retorted.
He sat down across from me. “I found something out today.”
I looked at him, trying to remain calm. “What was that?”
He scooted closer to me and put his face inches from mine. “That you have a teenage son.”
My heart fell to my stomach. I could feel the hysteria in me building. “I thought you knew everything about me.”
He pinned me to the bed. His breath smelled like whiskey. The weight of his body made my lashings on my back hurt. “Well, I didn’t know that.” He told me and caressed my face gently. “He seems to have a retarded friend, who seems to know things he shouldn’t. Can you believe those fuckers knocked on my door today?”
I spit in his face. I couldn’t help myself. “What did you do to them?”
He smiled. “Nothing yet.” He rubbed my breast. “You arouse me when you are angry.”
I tried to wiggle out from under him, but couldn’t. “You don’t arouse me.”
“Open your legs,” he ordered. I did not comply. He shoved them apart and put his knees on
them to keep me spread. He spit on his hand and rubbed me down. I closed my eyes in disgust. “You are going to enjoy this.” He pulled his pants down and thrust himself inside me. He didn’t do it roughly.
He was gentle and he rubbed my clit while he was inside me. “Come on, baby….tell me you love me.” I was disgusted with his breath, his body, and his tone of voice, but my body was betraying me. My body was beginning to respond. I hated myself. “You are so wet. You feel so good. I love being in you….you feel like satin….”He kissed my ear, his tongue went up and down my neck and then down to my breast, he took his time nibbling on each one. I heard a moan escape my lips; my own body was turning against me. I was so repulsed. I could not stop my body from responding to his touch. What was wrong with me? This can’t be right. I had heard of women who responded when their attackers raped them. It wasn’t something they could control. I can’t help it, I kept saying in my head. It isn’t my fault. He pulled out of me and brought his face down to my most private area and began to lick me there. My heart began to race, I was gasping and about to have an orgasm and he stopped and shoved his dick in me again and rode out my orgasm. “You are a fucking angel. I could eat you and fuck you all day long.” He was moaning loudly. My moan was matching his. He came. I came and he rolled off me.
“Thought I didn’t arouse you?” I raised my hand and slapped him hard across the face. The anger in his face was instantaneous. His nose was bleeding. “I told you not to disrespect me.”
“Fuck off,” I told him. Tears were streaming down my face. “I hate you. I can’t help what my body does!"
He got off the bed and went upstairs. He was angry and I didn’t care. I despised him. He wasn’t gone long. He came down the stairs with a cutting board and a hammer.
“You are going to learn to respect me, Evelyn.” He laid the cutting board beside me. “Most people hobble someone by breaking their leg or foot. Since you slapped me, I am going to hobble your hand. If you slap me again, I will hobble the other one. Same goes for kicking. I will hobble your feet.”
I looked at him and started laughing. Something inside me had broken. I had bees buzzing in my head. Something in my brain had cracked. . He was going to break my hand and I didn’t care. He had broken something in me when he raped me a few minutes ago. He had taken part of my very soul; a broken hand was going to be a piece of cake. I kept laughing as he took my hand and put it on the cutting board; was laughing and crying as he meticulously, broke every finger on my right hand. I passed out when he brought the hammer down on the center of my hand.
I was dreaming of the nice man I had met at the hotel pool. He was smiling at me and we were enjoying each other’s company. I felt attractive and comfortable, a dark cloud started rolling in and the man looked at me sadly.
“He owns you now.” He told me. “You’re broken.”
“I know, “I told him and kept watching the cloud. It was getting darker and looking angrier.
“He broke your soul,” the man continued, “don’t let him take your hope.”
“Hope?” I asked with a sarcastic smirk. “I am locked in a basement. I’m chained. What do I have to hope for?”
The man smiled sadly and wrapped a towel around his waist. “Freedom. You better have some hope or you’re going to die. You have an infection and eventually your keeper will get bored with you. “
“Don’t leave me,” I begged. “Please don’t leave.” I reached for him. He was a life line in this storm.
“I have to leave, Ev. Until you find hope, I can’t come back.” He walked away and the storm cloud began to descend on me. Rain pelted down on me so hard it hurt. The rain turned to pebbles of ice. I woke up with a start. My hand was throbbing, but my monster had wrapped it and doctored my back before he left me. I sat up and realized I was hungry and thirsty. I looked beside the bed. He had left me some water and crackers with spray cheese. I ate voraciously. Threw up and stood on my bed and began to work the bar on the window. Hope looked like a bar on a filthy window. I wonder if this iswhat my dream man by the pool meant. I seriously doubted it but it was a start. The bar on the window had to come loose. The bar was all I had at this moment.
Window=hope.