Michael Castro
Chapter One
ONE
MY EXPLANATION
MAY 6, 2008
FRESNO, CALIFORNIA
Well Big Brother, while I’d like to first of all wish you a “Happy Birthday” you may be wondering why I haven’t written you any letters up to this point, or why I haven’t visited you since you went away to Prison. I guess since you’re a “Blood Relative of Mine” you deserve some kind of an explanation from your little brother. First, the “why” might not sound very reasonable to you right now while you’re in there, trying to concentrate with all of that loud noise surrounding you? But as you read what I’ve especially written just for you, and the letters I intend to write in the future, “I Believe” a lot of reasons why things are the way they are will slowly begin to materialize a lot clear than before.
Soon many of the questions you may have right now, and in the future will be answered to the best of my abilities. This should then be “proof” that even though you haven’t heard or physically seen me lately, I’ve still been there with you in spirit because of the many years spent together growing-up as “close brothers.” As you begin to receive some of these answers to your many questions I will try to answer I believe this “thick fog that’s that has temporarily invaded your memory,” will then be slowly lifted once again, just like we felt after attending Mass with the rest of our family, starting way back when we were just two young energetic kids just starting to experience life.
I believe by first recalling “our younger years,” it will help you remember where the two of us actually came from and what type of family setting we grew-up in. I think it’s very important to “try and stay grounded in this crazy world we live in” and it doesn’t matter at what point we’ve arrived “on our journeys,” we must always try to remember that God has special plan for everyone’s who believes in Him.
So now, I’d just like to share how I still remember when growing-up together how we use to give each this sort of “unconditional moral support” whenever one of us needed it for whatever reason. It was just good feeling knowing you there. And if you think about “this support” I’m referring to, it continued to grow “vibrantly” up to and through all of those years when we were both “literally pruning” those stubborn grape vines on our family’s Grape Vineyard Ranch back in the day.
Do you still remember how we’d worked so meticulously through many winter fogs because our father wouldn’t have it any other way? Pruning, tying, staking, weeding, watering, and of course not to mention all of the “Tractor Work” that took so many long hours complete from sunset to sundown.
All besides all of these years we spent together, even though the times when are relationship became somewhat “stagnant” because our lives went two different directions, deep down inside, I still had Faith that somehow, we’d both succeed in our own lives at the “end of our season’s harvest” before being called-up by all mighty God. You and know be better that most, so you might be also thinking “Who am I to be preaching to you?!” It’s true, because we both know that I’m far from an “Ordained Minister, Pastor, or Priest.” But with respect to all who have tried leading thousands down right paths, I feel that “it’s time for me to speak-out” about a few things you and I have both “personally experienced” in our own lives. This is about US.
I want you to know that “I’m now taking a stand” I should have taken a long time ago because I’ve realized that God never intended us to merely be “mediocre people.” When I saying this of course I’m making the “assumption” that you personally know exactly what I’m talking about. But by chance if my words still seem so what unclear, let me take this opportunity to further explain in more detail.
When I say “mediocre people,” I’m talking about the kind of people we’ve both become when we settle on just “blending-in with the rest of the crowd.” In my case, I can honestly tell you I did this because “I was in fear of being rejected by my peers” if I went against the majority. But only you know the real reasons why things have turned-out like they have for you Big Brother. Or maybe you’re still in Denial, still asking yourself why? Perhaps if back in the day, if we would have just pushed ourselves more out of our comfort zones and been courageous to follow paths that included educations rather than joining the Workforce so early on while still in high school, maybe things would have been different. I should have just been myself, and not worried so much about what others thought, but I was just another casualty that was sucked into the “Peer Pressure Vortex” that claimed so many in high school.
I didn’t know that back then when I was “satisfied” with my minimum wage job because for the first time I was this money I’d never experienced having, I was only “short changing my full potential.” I just want you to know that I’ve reached this point in my life where I believe that God always meant for us to live “much more fulfilling lives” both Spiritually as well as Monetarily than we have up to this point. You know what I’m talking about, and I’m not “just singing to the choir.”
Think about it Big Brother? Why should we be content on “just getting-by?” I hope that you can relate to what I’m trying to say?! And if you relate, please try not to worry too much because I believe there’s still time for us to become the “ultimate people” God always intended us to be even before “exiting our mother’s womb” because the plans of our lives were written even before then. At the same time while I’m trying to express how we both still have time to take control of our lives before we can see God’s Fruition, we still have to do our parts to want to change things before they will change.
I’ll be the first to admit without hesitation that “through these pasted few years” I’ve tried-on so many different hats, Big Brother, in order to change the direction of my life, but I still couldn’t find “the perfect fit.” I’ve tried “experiments” were my “supposed friends” suggested I do things I knew were Wrong and made me uncomfortable just by the suggestions. This seemed increasingly “cutting-off my personal circulation” as time went-on because they were putting me in the same position of “Falling Back on Old Habits” when I was trying to make a change in my life. Yes, back then, I was far from traveling down that personal journey God intended.
I can honestly tell you now that “back in the day,” there were so many times when I felt so “very dissatisfied” while being a simple follower, but I guess because I was so “young and naïve” this is just was the way it was. I have no problem admitting to you that “back then,” I lacked so much self-confidence. But since you were my Big Brother, I think you already knew that…you already knew that. It’s kind of sad to say that I never realized that “I was only chasing around this false sense of acceptance” that only lived in my head. Now that I’m “somewhat more mature” it’s okay, because I’ve finally realized that “many of those mistakes made back then” were learning experiences. So wearing all of those “tight hats” wasn’t all for nothing. God has already forgiven me of my “pasted mistakes” just like he’s forgiven you, so don’t you think it’s time we forgive ourselves?
After I’ve now accepted this “imperfect person” that I am the same way God has accepted us because I’ve realized He wasn’t never looking Perfection. For some reason I now feel “so very compelled” to speak-out about some of the different things you and I have both been through. Perhaps it’s God’s that by sharing “our own turbulent pasts,” maybe it will “somehow” help other people find “hats that fit right” a lot sooner than we both did. I also believe that “for some reason” that after reading about some of the mistakes we’ve both made in the past, it will somehow provide others with “a second chance at life”
I realize that such a “sharing process” will certainly creates “a measure of vulnerability” along the way, but at the same time I still believe “the ultimate gift” a person can sometimes give another person someone is simply sharing “their time & past experiences.” Don’t forget this also included “being a good listener” when someone has something they want to personally share. With this being said, right now, it’s time for you to “listen” Big Brother for I have a lot I want to say.
Just think about it for a minute. If sharing “our pasts” can somehow prevent someone else from experiencing the same sort of “pains and heartaches” we’ve both have through the years while trying to control those “Overflowing Irrigated Vineyard Rows of Our Lives,” don’t you think it’s a good idea that we now share some of our mistakes? So now that we’ve discussed this “sharing issue” and have now come to so sort of “agreement,” I think it’s time for us to “move-on down the road.”
Let me just continue by saying that I understand that everyone’s “only human,” but now realize that our “pains & heartache” have only made us both “the stronger people we are today!” It’s not easy to accept that Adversity Builds Character when you’re going through rough times, but it’s all true. You know it’s true. In all actuality, we’ve come a long way from the people we once were, but we both have much further to go.
I’ve realized that I was the cause of most of my problems because of the bad choices I use to make. And this is not to say that I no longer make mistakes because I do, just like everyone else. I just realized that God doesn’t want neither one of us to “remain silent of our pasts” and about the things we’ve been through not even three, more, seconds. Get ready because it’s time to share!
Of course my explanation of our past will be “first & foremost” told from my own personal memories, so keep this in mind as we both start to try figure-out how so many different things with the best intentions could have possibly gotten “so unraveled,” just like all of those Raisin Bundles that would suddenly unravel under our “Stormy Yesterdays.” So at any point whether you “agree or disagree” with me Big Brother as we both returned together to “Try To Retie Those Unwoven Grape Vines of Our Lives,” please don’t hesitate to write back on how you feel.
Just remember:
“The Sun is now rising quicker as our years continue to pass.”
If you think that my “personal recollections” of how things happened “slightly warped,” don’t worry Big Brother, we’ll further discuss “your issues” in the near future. Just kiddy. But if I don’t get a chance to see you in person before you’re released in December, just remember that you’re always in our home no matter what. When you stop by we’ll sit-down together and enjoy a hot cup of “Flavored Coffee” along with a thick slice of your sister-in-law’s delicious homemade Pumpkin Raisin Bread. Yummm!
When that day arrives you’ll be “quite surprised” at how Liz has become quite the “Accomplished Little Baker.” You know, she claims to be 5’1 when she’s just over 5 with her high heels. When the “holidays roll around” everyone “still expects” her to bring along some of that Pumpkin Bread, and when she doesn’t, it’s funny how everyone reacts as if we had forgotten the “Turkey!” Ha! We always hear someone say something like, “What, you didn’t bring any Pumpkin Bread, why not?!”
I personally find those times “quite comical” while I just may be “exaggerating just a little.” But for real, our family starts placing their “special orders” for Liz’s Bread months ahead of time. This also included her brother Michael who comes down from San Diego for the holidays if he actually gets a “quick break” from his UPS Delivery Route. When he’s not able to make it down in person he’s requested from his sister over the phone, “I need two or three loafs of your Pumpkin Bread sis, can you hook me up?! Don’t worry. I’ll pay for all of the expenses if you’ll just ship them to me by UPS!” True story.
Notice that I was sure to mention one of the ingredients to be “Raisins” in Liz’s Pumpkin Bread because after all that we’ve both been through out there in our families fields its only right we give props to that little fruit that gave us so many backaches. There was a time back in the day that I thought that I’d never eat another Raisin again in my “entire life!” So you see, I guess through the years I’ve “accepted raisins” once again. Speaking from experience, “It’s true that change can sometimes be very difficult to make,” but I’ll change if its means getting I can get an extra slice of that Pumpkin Bread. I really think “time is too precious to hold-on to any grudges!” I believe that you’re in agreement with me on this subject so we can both “move-on from here.”
Just remember that I look at writing this book as “a new adventure in both of our lives.” With this being said I hope that you will see that there are indeed many “Grape Bunches on the Vine of Our Lives, Still Left to be harvested before Our Season Ends.” Of course I don’t mean this literally because after what we’ve been through, there’s no way I ever setting foot on vineyard property to harvest a field. Ha! And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with that sort of work, it’s more because we already have years of experience, and don’t want to go back to that sort of work. Do you?
So just hold-on tiger for what may be a “bumpy tractor ride,” and put down that “Grape Pan & Grape Knife” for a second to listen when I say that “I promise” that I will listen to any you have to say, or any suggestions you might for improvements on writing “our book” as we begin taking this new journey together. I believe that the explanations to some of the unanswered questions we both may have at this point in our lives will be “uncover” on the following pages. Whether those answers hold any “great weight or very little” in the informative sense may be unknown right now,” but I believe God will keep us in His favor if He sees that we are “continually trying to do the right things.”
“I have come as light into the world, that whosoever believeth in me may not remain in darkness.”
John 12:46 RSV