Michael Castro
Chapter#6/Forgiveness
SIX
June 10, 2008
I just want to tell you, Big Brother, how very proud I am of you after hearing about your most recent accomplishments. You’ve expressed how difficult those courses have been for you, and I’m trying to be a “wisenheimer,” if those courses had been “too easy” you wouldn’t have received the same gratification you’re feeling right now. When you’re disciplined and can concentrate on one thing at a time, then many goals can still be obtained one day at a time.
Keep-up the good work, Big Brother, because God only knows which one of those new skills you acquire will then open “many doors of opportunity.” I still believe God has many plans for both of our lives. So now that I’ve given you “do props,” let’s get back to the subject from our last letter. Just remember as we continue-on, “my intentions are never to get you upset.”
After my “Experience” at Avocado Lake, you would think such a phenomenon would have brought our family closer for the rest of our lives. But instead, it just seemed to create this bitter wedge between us in the following years. Of course our mother was still always there for me, just like she’d been when I woke-up in that ambulance ride.
I still remember how our parents visited me in my private hospital room over those next few days after I’d been keep overnight in ICU for observation. And I don’t mean it in a “bad way” but after I was released and returned home, our mother never let me out of her sight. Back then, when we were still very young, she’d always bathe us, dress us, comb our hair, and even brush our teeth! All of which I could already do by myself, but I could tell by letting her do all of those things for me, it helped her coupe with what had happened to me at the lake.
It was during this period I became increasingly jealous of you, like a snowball rolling down the side of a steep mountain over at Leo Lord’s Woodshop. So there! I’ve finally said the truth! And now how you know how I really felt towards you “back in the day” when I had no other choice but to take all of the “Little Brother Abuse,” don’t worry about it, because it was all forgiven a long time ago.
It’s not that I’m trying to give you some kind of “guilt trip” about the way things used to be. I thought you might get a kick out of hearing about “Your Little Brother’s Insecurities.” Now that you’ve heard this confession your “big head” has probably blown-up so much your Cowboy Hat couldn’t possibly fit-on right now. I can just envision you laughing right now, so just try to picture me also laughing with you because “I’m now going to now pretend to cry about some other things.” This is for your entertainment so check this out.
Waa waa, I still remember how it was you who always got to go shopping with our father to his favorite Hardware Store! And it was you instead of me who got to spend “numerous hours” with him while the two of you attended all of those “Do-It-Yourself Seminars” that covered topics of Landscaping & Proper Planting Techniques, while I was stuck at home with our mother watching reruns of “I Love Lucy” and “The Golden Girls!”
Yes, I was the lucky one who watched that cooking show hosted by Julia Childs, not able to understand “half of the stuff she was saying because of her heavy accent. I also remember watching “The “Galloping Gourmet,” but back then, I didn’t understand why he always liked cooking with so much wine? It’s funny how he always use to say, “A little bit for the food(splash splash), and a little bit for me(chug chug chug.) He’d start-off drinking from a wine glass at the beginning of the show, and by the end, he was chugging straight from bottle as if it was “happy hour!” And this show aired around early afternoon!
If I wasn’t watching those shows with our mom the “only other alternatives” I had was to play with our “Green Army Men, Marbles, or Chinese Checkers.” And as you were increasingly taken away by our father it’s true that I increasingly became so lonely I would actually “start crying by myself in our bedroom with the bunk beds because I was feeling so “left-out.” When our mother would find me upset she’d just say, “Why are you crying, there’s plenty of toys you can play with?! If you’re tired of playing with your Army Men, why don’t you play with your Yo Yo, or Silly Puddy?.” (Yep, we didn’t have the Technology we have today.)
While feeling down back then, I’d find comfort in God, remembering how He given me a “second chance at life.” Why even to this very day as an adult, I find the same sort of comfort in life when things seem to go terribly wrong. Yes, there are also times when I feel like “giving-up,” but then I’m reminded of what I witness as a three year old child at Avocado Lake. The replay of this experience plays in my mind, then takes away all of my worries. I believe those same “luminous rays” will soon be shining on you, and then make everything better.
Just remember, Jesus Christ is here for the both of us, Big Brother, and God is always looking over our shoulders “through both good times and bad.” I also remember what I’d been told by the hospital staff after my accident. Many RN’s and even Doctors told me the same sort of things, “God spared your life for a reason. He has special plans for you.” This is such a beautiful thought that everyone should keep in their hearts and minds because we are all children of God.
But our family would sometimes “tease me,” and I really couldn’t do anything about. I just slowly started accepting things for what they were while beginning to feel like “an odd ball.” I soon developed low self-esteem, and became a “fat, introverted little boy.” I started gaining weight, and our family even labeled me “little butterball.” Funny. Do you still remember how I’d get “so upset,” and asked not to be called that?! Our father was “so amusing,” then would then start calling me his “little garbage disposal.” Oh, don’t forget “Magilla Gorilla.” But even after all of that “name calling,” I’d then remembering how God was looking over me, and that shouldn’t worried about someone mistreating me.
I still remember how you use to make me cry, Big Brother, and how I’d try to defend myself when replying, “I’m no sisss, no sisss, no sissylala!” Ha! I’d get so upset with you my words wouldn’t come out! But I’ve now just chosen to “look on the brighter side” because one thing’s true. If you hadn’t mistreated me like you did back then, I wouldn’t have “this opportunity” to tell you that I forgive you. I also remember you were there for me in my time of need, telling me, “Don’t worry about it, everything’s going to be alright.” So don’t feel bad about any of those “childish things you did or said to me back in the day.” Everything is now forgiven. Everything is going to be alright.
If you feel as if I’m faulting you for things that have happen, Big Brother, this is not the case at all. I take full responsibility for my own actions, and all of the mistakes I’ve made in the past. It’s not your fault that I couldn’t say “no” to a lot of the things I should have, and it’s not your fault I didn’t “stand-up for myself” a lot sooner. It was “my decision” to always try and follow you everywhere you went, every chance that I got from the time we were children, all the way up to our young adulthoods. I’ve now accepted my mistakes, and it’s time for us to just move forward.
You’ve taught me some safety lessons of life that I still use today like to “always be aware of my surrounding.” Whenever I do this, I feel as if you’re right there standing next to me. You see, no matter we’re you’re presently at, you’ll still always be there with me. I’m no “Saint,” but somewhere along the way I accepted that everyone was created to follow “their own paths in life.” We all travel down different roads, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still end-up at the destination up in Heaven.
In your defense, Big Brother, I don’t want you to feel bad about anything I’ve shared, or when telling you that there were many times that I just didn’t feel “equally accepted by you” when we were younger. But when we’d both kneel-down besides each other, and prayed together as children before bedtime we were equal in the eyes of the Lord. Do you still remember how we use to pray together while wearing those “one piece pajamas with the feet attached?!” They had those “little escape hatches” in the rear, but I don’t remember ever using them.
I also forgive you for cracking my skull when we were kids, playing “chicken” with our two sisters. Don’t know how you all agreed that “the chunky one get on your back,” but even though you could hardly carry me you did your best. It was “girls against the boys,” and we’d been playing outside for a short while. It really wasn’t your fault that you accidently tripped backwards while trying to carry “your little Butterball Brother on your back.” But when you fell to the ground I went flying, and hit the back of my head on the edge of our front cement porch.
I still remember my skull throbbing so bad I thought my head was going to explode! We went to doctor and I had “six stitches sewed into my head.” I still remember how that doctor kept lying to me, tell me to, “Stay still. This won’t hurt a bit. I’m just going to shave your head a little so I can look at your cut.” What a liar! Ha! I might have been young, but I knew the difference between “getting a haircut, and someone sewing stitches in the back of my skull with a big needle!
Then, there was that other time when you and our sister Sandy’s were pulling me in our Red Radio Flyer Wagon and I wound-up getting hurt. We were all having so much fun on that summer’s day, laughing like crazy while going up and down the block where we lived. After seeing “my enjoyment” you guys then decided to start running faster and faster while pulling me. Looking back, you then went crooked on that uneven cement sidewalk. We then suddenly went off the sidewalk which caused our Radio Flyer to tipped-over, and sent me flying to the curb.
I instantly experienced this pain in my mouth because I had landed face-first, right on the “cement curb edge.” This caused both of my front teeth to be pushed-up into my gums! And when you and Sandy saw my mouth bleeding you guy freaked-out, and ran me back to our house to tell our mother what had happened. I remember how she kept trying to open my mouth to look around, and I just didn’t want anyone messing with me. The dentist we visited had two assistants “hold me down” while he pulled both of my front teeth back down. That’s why if you look at my teeth today, they’re still kind of crooked. After that visit to the Dentist, I’ve always had this “great fear” of going even today. I just pray to myself while in the office for strength, and ask anything procedure he does not be too painful, or too long. Then again I don’t know anyone who really enjoys going to the dentist. Do you? I don’t think so.
I know those were all “accidents that just happened,” but it’s just seems funny how it seems most of bad things always happened to me. If you still remember any of these accidents that I’ve reminded you about you’re probably really tripping right now because you’ve “gotten a real kick out of childhood experiences you may have temporarily forgotten. Just like when I reminded you how I still remember “Leo Lord.”
Just know that I’m here for you, and realize that I’ve been praying for you along with our family ever since you left on “your last vacation.” Know I will continue to pray each an everyday that I breathe. I know that we will see each other again real soon as we strive to slowly reach the next level of life God always intended us to reach. Once you’ve “accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior,” you too will start to see things from a new perspective. You will see things “in this new light.”
Just remember that even after your “Little Brother Saw His Guardian Angel and Experienced Heaven,” I’ve still made many mistakes in my life, just like you. I’m just trying to improve myself by just “taking one day at a time,” while continuing to put one foot in front of the other while not backsliding on old bad habits. But this isn’t about me. It’s about us.
I believe with all of my heart that God still has “special plans for both of us,” and it really doesn’t matter to Him whether we grew-up “our father’s favorite, or a mama’s boy!” With God’s help and blessing we will soon find “our fulfillments in life.” I believe “this fulfillment” will begin when we make a commitment to start traveling down those “right paths” God always intended us to take. But like that old saying goes, “The Devil never sleeps.” So we must be on guard not to fall of his tricks.
This is why I’m now asking you today, Big Brother, “Please try and keep God first in your life, and try to read your bible as much as possible.” Together, you and I can continue to take one day at a time while “I promise” I’ll continue to write you each and every week. If you make this commitment to yourself, you will notice a slow transformation first your mind before finding yourself in a better place you were in just yesterday. Soon, I hope you will find peace and harmony within yourself. I just hope you’re comprehending some of the things I’m trying to share.
Just remember that I’ve now forgiven you and Sandy for cracking my skull open, and having to get those “six stitches sown in my skull” while being held down by the entire hospital staff. And I forgive you two for crashing while pulling me on our Radio Flyer Wagon, and getting my “two front teeth pushed into my gums.”
I just hope that you don’t mind if I ask you just a couple of more questions before we end this chapter. Can you tell me if you really believe in God, and do you feel as if He still has a special plan for life? Through your Trials and Tribulations have you ever felt that God has been there with you, watching over you? After the questions you’ve just read, do you realize God has spared both of our lives up to this point for “His” own special reasons?
I believe that our God is an ever forgiving God, and He now wants us both to move forward and let-go of any regrets that we both might have right now. Just remember that it’s through “God’s Mercy” that we both will find the strength and courage to accomplish many things we still want to accomplish. I believe God doesn’t want us to settle on just being “mediocre people.” You know there is still so much room in our lives for the both of us to grow so we can ultimately enjoy the “fruits of our labors.” I feel we can both do this by taking one day at a time, while having the strength of God in our lives.”
“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
PHILLIPPIANS 4:13 KJV