Wedding Planning and Families Reaction to the Engagement- Looking back I should have looked at the redflags but what did I know about love? Have I ever even experienced it? Even in my fucked up family, I can’t really say I know what it looks like for people to be in a healthy loving relationship at all. I mean, my dad was awesome from what I remember and he offed himself. My mom was not the best human and really not the best mom. My step dad was kind of a shit show for most of the time I knew him. My sister is with a psycho path, step brother is married to a total gold digging bitch and my step sister at least found a guy who is nice. He has made her way nicer too. When I announced the engagement, my step brother told me never to get married because it was miserable. I thought he was just bitter because he was basically black mailed into marrying a girl he doesn’t even like. My grandfather said he wanted to meet him to make sure he was good enough for me. My grandma told me that she though we should live together before getting married which knowing how religious she is was surprising. She said you never really know someone until you live with them and get to see who they really are everyday. They can’t hide their bullshit when you are living with them. His family was another story. They were such asshole to me. His grandmother, well she was a total bitch to me. She blamed me for everything he did even though I never drank, did drugs or anything like he did. His cousins told me I was ugly and not good enough for him. I never felt welcomed by them. His dad treated me like a maid when I was at their house. I never stuck up for myself because that was how Robbie treated me too. I just guess I thought that was as good as I would ever get. I never saw myself as pretty or worth being loved by anyone so why not just settle for the one who told me he loved me and I was lucky he did. My friends did not like him really either. In fact, most of my friends distanced themselves from me when I started dating him. Looking back on it, I think he liked that. It kept me under his thumb for me to have no one else to talk to. He would get mad at me when I would make friends. He would get mad at me if I left the house or had people over. He was happy to see me isolated and alone. Me talking to other people meant I may have an original thought that wasn’t influenced by him. It became a source of conflict for him when I started to visit my grandma or friends I had made. Me looking for a job or going back to school was totally off the table too. I was not allowed to interact with anyone besides him and he liked it that way. The last few months of our relationship I spent most of my time planning the wedding and being his maid. Once a month I was allowed to go visit my parents. This gave him a chance to have girls over to the house and have parties while I was gone. I would find out later that he had cheated on me with 6 different girl during the engagement. Always during my visits with my parents or when he said he was visiting his family. Stupid me believe that he was loyal and gave a fuck about me. But I guess when you don’t know what love is, you don’t know what you deserve.  

Next Chapter: Entry Twenty-three