What could have been but wasn’t how did I end up here- I can’t live with what I have become. My family refuses to visit me and sends back my letters. My nephews are afraid of me. My step brother and step sister call me a crazy murdery, arsonist. And the ex has more ammo to call me that psycho he almost married. I spent my life being invisible for so long. Fighting to have anyone notice me. For anyone to love me. I thought that if perfect that they would love me. If I did everything, they asked of me they would see that I was worth them acknowledging me. I guess I got my wish. They can’t ignore me now. They can’t forgive what I did, and neither can I.

The letters

To mom – I never felt like I was ever good enough for you. No matter what I did you expected better from me. I don’t know if that was your way of pushing me or if it was meant to push me away. I know your childhood sucked and maybe you just didn’t know how to be close to me. I always felt like no matter how much I tried to make you love me, I was never going to me as important to you as everyone else was. I was always told to put on my big girl pants and carry on. Not to whine or cry. To be strong and push through the pain. I pushed so much and so hard sometime that it felt like I was drowning in it. I always felt like you loved my sister more, that you picked your new husband and his kids over us. And at times I wondered if dad even matter to you either. I guess I will never know. I hope that I am wrong about everything. But now that I am gone, I can’t even ask you. I can’t even tell you how much I hated you sometimes and how much I wished that you had died instead of dad. I wished that my life had been over so many times since he left us. I wished he could have taken me with him. But now I am on my way to see him soon. And maybe someday you too. I hope that maybe you love me still even if it is in your own fucked up way. I am sure you will just think this is something I did to you, because it is afterall always about you. But rest assured this is 100% for me. For once in my life it is about me. I hope you can forgive me but look on the brightside, one less thing for you to worry about. 

To step dad – you’re not my dad and you never really seemed to me like you wanted to be. At least for most of my life it felt that way. I lived in fear of you for so long. It wasn’t until the last few years that I got to really know you and started to see you as my dad finally instead of the guy who stole my mom from me. I am so sorry that I it took me so long to at least try. I am so sorry I can’t take it back. You finally conquered your addiction and that I can respect. I know that you were a part of some really bad things in my life, but I forgive you. I hope wherever you are you can forgive me for my part in things.

To my dad – I am at a loss on where to start with this. I have had a lot to process this year. I have finally let myself let go of the guilt I have carried about losing you. My inner 6 year old felt like if I could have just fought harder that day, I could have somehow stopped you from leaving us. I know now that it wouldn’t have made a difference. I know what it is like to life with that darkness and thoughts of how much easier it would be to just not exist anymore. I know what it like to want the pain to just stop. To feel like the world would be better off. To feel like nothing in your life is worth fighting for or ever going to get better. Like you have no one and nothing to keep you here. Others may say that is selfish and wrong but I know what it is like to feel those things. It was never about you not loving us or not thinking we were enough to be here for. That bullshit mom says about blaming other people for it is total crap too. To date I have had 4 attempts too. She only knows of one of them. She shamed me for it too. I never felt loved or supported growing up and I rarely do now. When she does express it, it feels fake and forced. I don’t feel a connection to her anymore. I just feel resentment and emptiness. I don’t feel like I have a family anymore really. I feel like any chance at a normal life died with you. She gave up when you left. She has played the victims and taken no ownership for the shit storm she made our lives into once you were gone. I feel so angry and robbed of my childhood, not because you left us but because she didn’t protects us or care about being a good mom after you did. It’s like she was more concerned about being a wife to her new husband than she was about taking care of us. Her life mattered more, her partying and whatever she was wasting the money you left for us was more important than our needs. She just stopped trying. At least with me she did. She focused on my sister and all the drama that came with my stepdad and his kids. I was the invisible one. I still am. But now I know it is not my job to make her notice me. It never really was. I don’t have to keep fighting for something that isn’t worth fighting for. I can let it go. I can be free, like you. I don’t blame you for what happened. I know you were in pain. I know it seemed like the only way to make the pain stop. I hope that it did. I love no matter what and always will. Yeah it sucks, you left me behind. There were days I wished so hard that you were here to rescue me for everything that happened after you died. I wished and tried to join you so many times. You were my everything. I know you had so much love to give us but the pain you had inside was just too much. I feel that same pain and darkness so much too. I get why you did it. It’s the same reason I am doing it. See you soon. I love you daddy.

To my sister – I resented you for so long. You picked your poisons over protecting me. You were one of my first bullies. You made me hate myself in so many ways. You took every second of mom time and attention with all your drama. You also gave me my nephews, the only two people on this earth who I know without a doubt loved me unconditionally. My actions took their love away too. I don’t know what they even think of me know but I hope they remember me as I once was.  I know you hate me now. And as much as I may have hated you in the past, it kills me, I know that we will never really be able to come back from this. I know what I did is unforgivable to you. We have done so much to burn bridges with each other over the years. But there is nothing to rebuild now. I wish you the best. Just know that I still love you and I love the boys. I hope someday you can forgive me and the harm I have done. Please let there be some reason for me to be missed. Please let the boys know I love them. 

To my step brother – I don’t even know what to say to you. You stole my future and tormented me. But you also made sure that no one else could hurt me either. You looked out for me when you dad was drunk and would scare me. You taught me how to be tough and how to stand up for myself even though it was usually because you were picking on me. I never got my happy ending because of what you did. I know it wasn’t all because of that but it played a big part. I had to fight so hard to grasp at straws to claw my way back from it too. I never got there though. It would always be so close but then the world would find a way to take it away again. I hope that you find peace with what I did someday. I know that I have caused so much damage and pain. Please know that I didn’t want things to end up this way.

To Robbie – You broke my heart and stole my innocence. With every unkind word spoken and every lie you told me, you broke me down. I lost who I was. I stopped fighting for my dreams and lost sight of my potential because of you. I let the part of me who was strong and powerful die. Being with you was a choice though. And that part I can’t fault you for. I know that things were not right for so long, but I stayed. I thought I didn’t deserve better. And maybe I don’t anymore but if I would have left sooner, I would have found someone who did love me. I let you destroy me, and I have lost so much because of that. I regret not being strong enough to walk away before things got so bad. But now I am leaving for good and it will be on my terms this time. Peace out asshole.

Stepsister – I don’t think you really knew how much you hurt me growing up. You tormented me and destroyed the things that made me feel safe. All those toys and stuff that you would break just to make me cry meant nothing to you. Those were the things that helped me escape the fighting. They helped me laugh and feel protected when I was scared. They were reminders of happier times in my life. Times before you and your family were part of my life. I know when you got married you changed a lot. I finally got to see a side of you that I could feel connect to. I am grateful for that.  I don’t know what else to say really, just that I am so sorry.

Grandma- Where do I start. I guess just by saying thank you. I didn’t realize how much you rescued me from the hell that was home for me growing up. Your house was the only place I really got to just be a normal kid. I didn’t have to hide from the monsters at your house. I got to play and eat junk food and be truly loved unconditionally. You had expectations of us and wanted us to become happy and honest adults. I didn’t know what that was at home. Growing up in a home full of substance abuse and fighting, sometimes wondering if we would have food, and the basic bills paid was often a constant thing I had to worry about as a kid. The money that was left to me and my sister from my dad’s SSI and life insurance often went to pay for things that money was not meant for. You fought for our wellbeing and I know that cause you to be painted as a villain by my mom at times. That was not fair to you. You just wanted what was best for us because you loved us. I will forever be grateful for thunderstorm sleep overs and ninja turtles nights with you. You inspired me to become the person I am today. To love hard and care about people even when they may not deserve it totally. You were the only adult who didn’t expect me to grow up to fast and didn’t try to shove me head first into the mess that was my home life. For everything you did to advocate for me to just be the nerdy little kid I was and to fight to be seen, I cannot thank you enough.  Even though we were not actually related, you were more of a grandparent to me than the ones who were. You taught me so much and I am so grateful to you for that. I cannot express how much I looked forward to being able to escapes the craziness that was my home life and spend my weekends with you. Even if it was just for a few days at a time, I got to feel normal because of you. I love you so much grandma and I will miss you so much.

To my Nina - Thank you for being the grandmother I didn’t really have. I guess if I think about it, I have never known what it was like to have an actual grandmother in the sense of it being the mother of one of my parents. I have grandmother figures because one is died and the other one just sucked. I guess from what I have heard, the died one sucked too. You did the best you could to help raise my mom when her mom ditched out. You tried to take care of us when my dad died too. You tried to take us away from her when she stopped being a mom. At the time, she made you out to be that bad one in that situation. But you were right to have done what you did. I wish that I hadn’t been scared into covering up for her back then. I probably would have had a much better childhood if I had told the truth about what was going on at home. I know I would have only had you until I was 10 but at least that would have been a few more years of getting to be an actual kid. Not living in a house full of drugs and drinking. Not living in a house with constant drama and fighting. I would have still lived with my nino until he passed probably. I wouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. You always wanted what was best for us even when it meant you had to go up against my mom. You fought for me and I can’t express how much that means. I am sorry I didn’t show it when you were around. I love you and miss you so much. Maybe I will see you on the other side. At least I can hope. 

Grandpa - I have discovered some things about you this year that I didn’t know. As always mom never tells me anything, I just get to hear all the stuff second hand from the gossiping sister. I know you may not have been that best husband or the best father. That was not the person I grew up knowing. I can’t judge a person based on what I don’t know of them. My mom may have her resentments and from what I have heard they come from a valid place. I know that you tried to shelter us from a lot of the stuff my mom put us through when I was a kid. I know that you were the one who made sure we had food and our bills paid when her and my step dad weren’t. I know you didn’t have the money to do that but you still did. I never felt unsafe or unloved around you. Yes, you were a stage parent when it came to music and my athletic performance, but you wanted me to be the best I could be. I never felt judged or unwanted, just pushed to be better. For that I am grateful. I learned to discipline myself and not settle for “just ok” because of that. Thank you for Teaching me not go give up on myself and to never let anyone tell me I can’t be who and what I want to be. Thank you grandpa for helping me see that I deserve more than the life I was born into. 

To Fred the Wonder Dog- Thank you for protecting me. You were like my own personal hero. Even though you were just a little dude, you would have given your life for me. Loyal and always there to comfort me. There were so many nights that I fell asleep with you cuddled against me. The nights were mom and dad would be fighting, you would guard my bedroom door. You were the only one in that house that made sure that I was safe. You saved me from even more damage than was already cause by all of the insanity that was in that house and I am so grateful to you for that. I love you Derf.

Dr Fox – Well doc. I did what you asked, I guess. I have lost track of the time I have been here. Sorry I wasn’t more of a conversationalist with you. But all you need to know is here in these pages, I guess. I was listening even if I never really said much. I don’t want you to think this is something that has happened because of you. You didn’t fail me or anything like that. I just know when I have worn out my welcome. I guess I have always felt like maybe I never was welcomed in my life to start with. Everyone I loved left me in some way. After dad died, mom wasn’t really ever there in the same way again. My sister left me too. I haven’t known her as my sister for so long. We have become enemies instead of allies and I don’t think there is a way to repair that after all that has happened. People can say they forgive each other but they never really forget the pain they cause each other. Everything is as fucked up as it could be. I know that I will take my dying breathe in this place and I just can’t see any reason to drag it out any longer. Not when I can end all the pain and suffering now. I can let them have closure if I am not here as a reminder of what all of these events have taken from all of us. So, it’s time for me to go and let them have some peace. Thanks for helping me be brave enough to face all of this and put it behind me. It’s been a long time coming. It’s time to lay it all to rest.

To Myself- Will this is it I guess. Every saga has it’s ending and here is ours. We had a rough go. We fought so hard against the current but at some point you just lose the will to keep fighting and that time has come. I am giving up now. I don’t think it is fair to keep going anymore. Not to us, not to anyone else. What are we sticking around for? Nothing we wanted will ever happen now. We will live and die trapped in the walls of this place. That is the reality of things and we will live every day with this stigma and pain following us. That dark cloud is never going to pass. All this BS of moving past things is for everyone else. What are we moving past it for? You can’t unopen Pandora’s box. The damage is done and we either live in it or we make the choice to move on in the only way we know how. I have fought long and hard but I just can’t anymore. I can’t keep trying to fill a whole that has been dug so deep. I feel like the more I try, the deeper it gets and the more buried I feel. I am just not willing to live like this anymore. I am sorry. I tried as much as I could but I can’t do this anymore. I need to be at peace. I need to let this life and all of the pain behind me and this is the only way I know how to do that. I hope the other side will bring us some relief where ever that is. Just know that I am doing this not to hurt us but to help us move on. Sweet Dreams.

Next Chapter: Chapter twenty-six – The haunting of Dr. Fox, Nightmares about Nelly and the house.