Up in the Clouds

I can’t see a way out of here; there are so many trees. Too many to count, too many to move past. I just want to get out of here. If I can get out, I can move forward. I need to move forward now, I’ve been stuck in this forest for so long. I’m ready to be done with these trees.

Shaking and slipping; tossing and thundering; rising and plummeting. The ocean is cranky today. I don’t care. I don’t care because I don’t respect you, not anymore. I can’t die. I’m not allowed to go; how I wish I was. Then, I would have reason to respect you, you blue abyss; then, I would have a reason to fear you. But as I am now, you are powerless, emasculated, weak. You are the epitome of this world; without fear, everything just collapses in on itself, the structures having lost their supports.

The sun doesn’t reach here. This world of life, teeming with energy and spirit, it lives without the sun. It makes its own sunlight. The days aren’t dark here, in this maze of wonder, they’re just different. I wish I could stay. I wish I were capable of your self-sufficiency, dear sunless creatures. I’m not, and I’m afraid I never will be. I must go on, then; I must find my sun.

The waters are different now; I doesn’t really matter does it? I do not acknowledge calmness; I would not see the storm even if it were in front of me. At best I might hear the sound of thunder off in the distance, but is it coming this way, or going past, toward the horizon? If I look over the side of this wooden abomination, I can see my reflection, undisturbed. Maybe this is the storm. The water gently takes me on.

I’ve made these woods my home now. Here I hunt for my food, like my lupine family; my teeth have grown long, my hair is shaggy, my nails are daggers. Here I find comfort, my bed is a soft grave of leaves, my roof, the sun-eating tree tops. This place is a part of me now, a place I feel I belong. So why does this not feel right?

The warm soul of this light-deprived temple gives solace to a once shattered mind. A mind that has come around again through its constant adapting, its constant repairing. That’s it! I’ve lost my sense of placelessness in this forest of shade and trees. I lost it when I found comfort. There is no contentment in these woods; there never was. There’s only stagnation, a treacherous quagmire. And from stagnation is born my purpose, a need to escape and move beyond. I will not stand still here, the sun is calling me towards its golden heart, a land of impermanence. I will go, then.

There is sand under my feet; I took my shoes off before I jumped from the boat. I could’ve sworn I’d never feel warmth again. The waters have brought me home, back to a terra cotta embrace. Walking forward I catch the scent of wild wheat; my heart is a flutter. I can see tall trees off in the distance, their tops run rampant with green life. They reach for the clouds, trying to bask in the sunlight. I’m right there with you. I’m on the verge of finding that life-giving sustenance; I’m so close. The grass, the trees, the animals running about, the animals swimming in the sea, they’ve found their peace. I can only dream. I can dream and keep going forward.

One in a field, one from a forest, they had both found their way. Seemingly alone in this world, she and he had pressed past the grief in their own heart, past the diminished selves they thought of as their reward for life times of immeasurable melancholy. They’d survived; they’d thrived and grown and even in this moment continued to grow.

Then they came face to face and saw each other for the first time since the fall; the grief was gone, the self-hate evaporated, the longing for acceptance into a world of mortal men and women, their follies and failure, their dreams and hopes, was overcome by knowing. Knowing that through the cold Russian nights, the cherry blossom filled Japanese days, through the American West Coast care-free sunlight and the moon of this meadow, they had come through, together. The Celestial City and her people are no more, their legacy covered in the frost of time, its Temple forever lost to the same; they still had managed to elevate; they found a way to move forward.

Next Chapter: Autumn Leaves