Golden State Blank

I watched the girl hold herself underneath the water. She sank deep below in this rust ringed, grimy tub in this shithole of a motel out in the middle of this nowhere place; she’s here with a guy who couldn’t give two fucks if she decided to up and drown. She said she wanted to see God and that when she was younger she found the tub to be the best place for it. I shrugged when she told me this, always the asshole. God and I have never really clicked, what with all the rejection, disease and rampant (though often implicit) hate that permeates "his" ways.

I am one of those unfortunate souls rejected by the world, wrapped up in themselves and content to wash away the days with vice. The burn outs, the lushes, the depraved and devious, those apathetic youths and their do-nothing friends, they’re all my sisters and brothers. They matter to me and I matter to them in spite of no one else giving a damn. We are seekers of a peaceful place, not ready to rule out any method of getting there before we try it, and totally aware of how fucked we are thank you very much.

“What are you daydreaming about, Jacob?” Seline has arisen from her watery meditations, dripping wet, her jet black hair straight and clinging to that perfect body. Suddenly I’m reminded of why we do this to ourselves every so often; we love the abuse, the sheer carnality of our situation. This is the only one reason why she, so decadent and proper, and me, so utterly uninterested, would be here in this gross, shabby roach motel.

Sobriety is obviously out of the question for our little night of fleeting romance but no one seems to have told the shit inn’s staff that, as evidenced by the lack of any intoxicating substances in our room’s fridge. Luckily, years of kicking around streets littered with the strung out bodies of dregs has provided me with the knowledge necessary to remedy this situation. It’s time to hit up my dealer for a quick one.

I met Kody when I was bumming around the makeshift junkie dives of the greater San Diego area, killing myself to spite life; all the years of people warning us and other youths to stay clear of the bad people that corrupt the innocent led us right into their dotted arms and shanty town shacks. In them we found ourselves, and we knew that we had everything we could ever want, but damn it all if we wouldn’t give it up in the pursuit of something fun and new. I fucking love it.

“So, did you find god, kitten?”

“No, just more emptiness and regret.”

Wow, what a shocker.

Just then, there’s a knocking on the door to the tune of that ”2 bits” routine from those old cartoons; Kody’s signature way of announcing his arrival. It’s actually kind of smart, letting his buyer know who it is non-verbally, should there be a need for them to be excused from more reputable company.

Kody’s the type of dude that seems impossible. He’s that weird mix of indestructibility, recklessness, and confidence that makes him a danger to everyone in his immediate vicinity. I love that fucking nut; he embodies an uncanny type of freedom, the freedom of giving the world no credence; of existing complete within himself, wanting nothing, needing nothing, and caring for nothing. He is brilliantly aloof, a human removed from humanity, so comfortable with himself that dealing since eighth grade doesn’t even register.

Seline on the other hand is human-need personified; she serves soup to the homeless, works in a shelter for unadopted animals, and tends to a community garden in her spare time.

She is the light.

She is Jesus tending to the sick, dying, and desperate, those vestiges of society that often feel no love.

At first she nauseated me, but inevitably she found a way to get under my skin and into my mind. We are still working on each other’s hearts. She confided in me the great despair she feels inside, a despair that makes her feel like a fake, pointless bitch, a nothing. She told me how her parents wanted her to go to college and get a degree in “something that pays good money.” Like a good little girl she was obedient, becoming an economics major who now works for a venture capital firm.

“Sure, it makes me think of slitting my wrist every morning and shotgunning my brains out every evening, but at least my parents aren’t disappointed in me,” she told me with not an ounce of sarcasm. At times I loathe her, that’s why we only meet up to fuck, but now I think I’m starting to love her; that’s what keeps me coming back.

“Hey bro, you with a girl?” Kody asked as he tried to raid that piss-poor minibar.

“Yeah, she’s in the bathroom,” I told him the girl I was with was Seline. He knows her from a while back, when the three of us and one of her girlfriends got together for a road-trip. It wasn’t a particularly thrilling ride, but it wasn’t all bad either. The four of us talked, and learned a lot about our companions of the day; we learned that the world wasn’t so lonely after all.

“What are you boys talking about?” Seline stepped out looking refreshed. Despite myself I held my tongue and fought the urge to comment on the lovely site of her lovely body, looking most lovely.

“Nothing much, really. Do you still keep in touch with that Ashley girl?” Seline replied, “Sure do, we work in the same place, remember? Why?” I looked at Kody, who sat motionless on the stained queen-sized bed comforter the inn generously provided for us; I asked him, “What’ve you got going today?”

“You know what? I actually don’t have anything major going on at the moment. Surprising, right?” He gave that wry smile of his as I laid it down, my idea for a good time between four loosely acquainted friends, some non-traditional party favors, and an SUV that still had that ephemeral “new car” smell to it.

“Let’s smoke a little, drink a lot, and see where the afternoon takes us.”

“I’ll call Ashley and see if she’s down.”

I could tell Seline was happy with the idea, that made me smile a bit.

“I’ve got some OG Kush in my bag that should last us a good while,” Kody too now had an enlivened glow to him. And what will I contribute to the festivities? “Well, I know this little store down the street that keeps some Dutch absinthe stocked in the backroom with the German porn and Japanese sex toys. We could grab a bottle on the way.”

“On the way to where?”

“I have no clue. But that’s part of the fun, we’ll figure out all of the details and shit as we go, wondering about the golden state of things.

Next Chapter: Quiet