So, I’m going to share a little story of mine that I didn’t expect to be telling but here we are.

To begin exposing myself, I was raised under Roman Catholicism by the decision of my adoptive/step father since I was 3. I use to attend a church every Sunday that was right next to my Primary School since I attending a Christian/Catholic School, I use to engage a lot more in personal prayer than I do now, and I find myself to be distance when it comes to engaging in community masses at my current High School.

The outcome of my distant participation in my faith I believe is the result of the household I was raised in, for you see; my dad is a Roman Catholic whilst my mum is a complete Atheist. There is nothing wrong with Atheism just to clarify, but in the position of a child being raised with two parents of different beliefs did result in personal conflict with my choice of beliefs. This wasn’t forced upon by my parents, this was constructed by the brain of a confused child.

As time matured I began to develop what some people labeled as a ’realistic perspective’ which could definitely lose the label, and I didn’t end up going through with my Holy Communion, but it wasn’t for the reasons many assumed. I felt like I wasn’t in the position to be accepted by God as I felt I was too distant to be worthy of his cause, I felt like I wasn’t ready.

I’m still not ready.

My faith in God didn’t get any easier when I came out to my dad as Bisexual, he didn’t and still doesn’t believe that I truly am what I identify with til this day. He thinks it’s all a phase, and that’s what ended my Sunday Masses since my Dad started going without me.

High School Masses in the beginning of the whole High School shtick was the only faithful thing I was doing for 2 years into my High School journey. By Year 10, it had become an awkward thing to be doing since EVERY student appeared to no longer engage in Masses or Community Prayer. Like this is a Catholic School and Students were so distant, it was insane.

I stopped engaging with Masses from Year 10 - 11 as it felt SO awkward to be the only voice in a crowd of hundreds, not to mention that in February of Year 11 I received my results which confirmed I was suffering from Mild Depression, which is a low level despite the name making it sound severe.

My nights became so awake and numb, I was battling the lack of motivation to do anything, I lost interest in many things and I felt extremely empty. Like I wasn’t worth any of company of the friends I had. I honestly wanted to be alone but I didn’t at the same time because I was terrified that I’d be helping my depression get worse and worser. I felt betrayed by God in a sense, but also felt like I deserved it.

At that point in time, I felt completely lost. I wanted to believe in God for the journey I meant to follow but back then, how could I? My father didn’t believe his daughter is Bi, I was and still am handling depression currently in Year 12.

It was a massive challenge.

But as I’ve entered my final year, I’ve come to a realization that the final year is the best time to reconnect with Everyone and Everything. My Best Friend in Homeroom is a devout in her Religious Faith which has boosted my confidence in showing loyalty to Roman Catholicism and returning to personal prayer. So thanks to her really, I’ve started to show participation in School Masses and Community Prayer again. I’m still not attending Sunday Church but I do wish to return.

And overall, I do wish to fully restore my loyalty and faith to my Religion, overcome depression and gain the support of my dad. Thanks to the support of friends, I feel like for once I do have the option to heal alongside God.

May the Lord be with you all x

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Deuteronomy 31:8

"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Psalms 3:3

By ElleBrown28.

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