By Maurice Gibb

WASHINGTON, DC- Chaos broke out across the nation this week following the announcement by the CDC on Monday. An unidentified doctor left a press conference in mayhem after announcing a suggested hold on the new COVID vaccine after a “serious side effect” had been discovered: the power of flight. Within hours of this breaking news, drugstores and hospitals across the country were flooded with thousands of new patients demanding the “flying vaccine”.

"It was certainly the most exciting briefing I’ve seen," laughed CNN’s Anderson Cooper. "So entertaining- way better than the Swine Flu days. Honestly, I can’t wait for the next one; I want to bring the family."

The doctor in question has been fired, according to a source within the CDC. The CDC went on to say that they condemned the actions and statements of said doctor, refusing to comment further.

"Can you believe they fired that guy?" Cooper asked (indignantly, in this reporter’s opinion). "After the conference I went out and got a second vaccine to try to beat the odds. I’ve been riding that high for days!" 

The doctor has yet to be identified, and his motives remain unclear. However, one thing is certain: never in human history has there been a faster rush to obtain a vaccination, a move which has ostensibly wiped out COVID-19 in the United States within three days. We are left pondering the morality of national deception in the face of frightening efficiency. o