Rebecca Allen
All for One and None for Pants
Though the mask muffled his diction, the megaphone certainly helped. A brisk wind whipped through his hair as he stood on the steps of City Hall, looking out at the group that had gathered.
“THOUGH I STAND BEFORE YOU NOW, I ALSO STAND AMONG YOU.” His magnified voice cut through the air.
“WE ARE THE PROLETARIAT. WE ARE THE ONES WHO DRIVE THE UBERS, WHO WRITE THE CODE, WHO TEACH THE FUTURE GENERATION. WE ARE THE ONES WHO WORK OVERTIME FOR NOTHING! FOR NOTHING!”
Some scattered applause.
“AND WHAT DO WE WANT IN RETURN? IN THIS INCREASINGLY DIGITAL WORLD, WHAT IS OUR ONLY DEMAND?”
The returning shout was mostly from the back; too quiet for his taste.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“NO MORE PANTS!!!”
This time it was the battle-cry he wanted. The declaration echoed through the square, bouncing off the austere skyscrapers. He glared up at the ring of steely windows, arms outstretched; a gladiator’s challenge. He could feel pantsed overlords watching from above. They were shaking in their Chinos, he decided. He continued:
“STATE LAW PROHIBITS NUDITY. WE ARE NOT DEMANDING NUDITY. WE ARE NOT EXPOSING OURSELVES. ARE MY THIGHS INDECENT? DO SHORTS OFFEND YOU? OR SPEEDOS?” He asked mockingly. The crowd laughed, some scattered shouts of “Hell no!”
“I YEARN TO SEEK FREEDOM FROM THIS KHAKI PRISON! IT’S MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO FEEL THE WIND IN MY LEG HAIR!”
As the sound of the crowd grew, he felt the adrenaline coursing through his veins.
“WE WERE FORCED INSIDE BECAUSE OF THIS PLAGUE. WE HAVE GROWN USED TO THE COMFORTS OF HOME. IF WE ARE EXPECTED TO ENDURE THE COMMUTE AND BAD COFFEE OF THE OFFICE AGAIN, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO BRING WITH US A COMFORT WE HAVE SO LONG ENJOYED. TODAY WE SEEK TO END THE SOCIAL STIGMA AGAINST GOING PANTSLESS IN THE WORKPLACE!”
He gripped the slick fabric of his track suit. This was it. This was the moment.
He tore away the pants, revealing his favorite pair of briefs (they had a small hole in the back, but he figured the crowd wouldn’t be able to see as long as he faced forward).
He raised his fist as the people cheered.