Rebecca Allen
100% Vaccination Rate
The doctor walked to the podium. He was sweating. Cameras flashed as the reporters waited.
“Thank you for coming,” he said (rather weakly, he thought). He cleared his throat and tried again.
“I’ve called you all here today to announce a rather serious… uh… a rather serious oversight.”
The reporters shifted.
“After many months of distancing, we were encouraged by the enthusiastic manner with which many of the citizens of this great nation welcomed the new vaccine.” The doctor’s eyes flicked up from his speech and quickly back down again. He swallowed.
“However, we are also aware that many citizens have refused to take the vaccine for fear of serious side effects. I am here to tell you all that their caution was... unfortunately prescient.”
The reporters murmured nervously to each other. Cameras flashed.
“It seems that an unforeseen, very serious side effect has been reported in 50% of cases. It seems that…”
He faltered.
“It seems that… 50% of vaccinated patients now have the ability to fly.”
Silence. Then, an explosion of shocked interjections and yells rose from the crowd. The doctor continued above the cacophony.
“We advise-WE ADVISE THAT NO ONE PROCEEDS WITH THE VACCINE UNLESS THEY WANT TO RISK CONTRACTING THE POWER OF FLIGHT. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS SERIOUS ERROR AND WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO MITIGATE-”
But the roar of the reporters was deafening. As they jumped to their feet, the scrape of a hundred chairs drowned out the questions hurled at the doctor. He quickly thanked them for their time and hurried off the stage.
Escorted by secret service, he made it back to the safety of his car. As the door slammed and the pandemonium faded behind him, he leaned his head back against the leather seat. A grin spread across his face as he imagined the crowds of people rushing to get vaccinated. He could see the headline now: “FIRST-EVER 100% VACCINATION RATE AS CITIZENS HOPE FOR PROMISED SIDE EFFECT”.
When he got home, he poured himself a glass of champagne. A job well done.