The ride home was pure agony. It was like the world around me had stopped and I could not get through all of the people in the way. 

 As soon as I arrived in my apartment, I screamed. As my voice became too hoarse to continue, I began to sob. I went to the couch and buried my head in the cushions. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Why couldn’t I find a good and decent guy? How is it that I kept picking losers? Wait a second! I didn’t pick Jason, he picked me. Then that meant that I was a loser magnet, or I was born under a bad star or something like that.

After I finished cleaning up after my pity party, I called my two best friends. Needless to say, they were livid. They were also very surprised. “It just doesn’t make any sense. We saw the way he would look at you. That man was in love,” Matthew said.

“Yeah,” said Jean. “At the party, when you were talking to that producer, he came up to us and would not shut up about you. It was ‘James is this’ and ‘James is that’.”

I kept listening to them bad mouth and praise Jason all in one breath. After a while, they both had to return to their respective jobs, so we said our goodbyes and hung up. Now I was even more confused. If Jason was really in love with me, why was he with that other guy? Was I not smart enough for him? Was I terrible in bed? What the hell was it?

Unfortunately, I couldn’t continue to think about it. I had an audition for the first church I called, All Saints, in forty-five minutes. I got myself together as best as I could and I headed out the door.

It took me forty minutes to get there. Traffic was a nightmare. Why did everyone take Santa Monica Boulevard? Weren’t there other streets too? My road rage was in full bloom because of what happened earlier. Good thing no one could hear me. I really needed to learn the side streets. I was just barely on time.

The choral conductor and the assistant choral conductor were present for my audition. The song I sang was “At the Cry” by Samuel Barber. After that, they checked my sight-reading abilities by having me sing a hymn unaccompanied. I did really well considering everything that had just transpired. My mind obviously was elsewhere, but they didn’t need to know that.

They pulled me out of my thoughts by telling me I got the job. I would start the next day for their Thursday night rehearsal. I asked how much it would be, not truly expecting a lot. My last job only paid about $300 a month. It would be enough for expenses at least. They told me it would be about $1000 month with more on special occasions like concerts, Christmas and Easter. That was the best news I’d heard all day. That meant that my parents would only have to pay my expenses until I found something else. They would be thrilled.

The director told me to come back the next day at 6:30 to fill out all of the paper work. Afterwards, they took me on a tour of the church and the place where the choir practiced. It was a really nice building. Too bad I was no longer religious or I would think about joining.

As I got in my car, I called my mother and told her the news. Well, I left out the events of the morning. She would have lost it. Her health was bad enough lately without me adding more stress to her life. As I thought, she was more than ecstatic about the job. I realized that I hadn’t called her since the first day I arrived. That was bad of me as the first-born, so we caught up on all the latest in our lives. After I got home, and I was still on the phone with mom, I let slip what happened that morning. She was calmer than I thought she would be. “Well son, I caught your father cheating once or twice. It was before we had you. I didn’t talk to him for a month. I stayed with your Godmother, however I eventually forgave him. That’s what you do if you love someone. Plus, men are dogs.”

“Mom…!”

“You know that it’s true dear. I know that you aren’t like that, but your brother on the other hand….. I’m surprised he hasn’t made me a Grandmother yet.”

I couldn’t hold back my laughter any longer. I so needed that. “Justin has a little bit of restraint. He doesn’t have a lot, but there is some.”

“You’re right, but I still feel like he’s going to learn the hard way. His lack of restraint is going to come back to bite him in the ass. But enough about your brother; tell me what you’re going to do about Jason.”

I let out a huge sigh. “I don’t know Mom; I really don’t know.”

“Do you love him James?”

I didn’t say anything. Did I love him? It hadn’t really been that long since we started going out. Could I have developed those types of feelings in such a short amount of time?

“Dear, are you still there?”

“Yes Mom, I’m here.”

“Well,” she asked, “Do you love him?”

“Against my better judgment, I do love him. I think that’s why this hurts so much.”

“Then what are you going to do about it?”

I shook my head and then I told her, “I’ll tell you when I figure it out myself.”

A few minutes later, I hung up the phone. She had some errands to run. One thing my mother told me before she hung up was that I should forgive him. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday, I should forgive him. I couldn’t do that until I’d wrapped my head around the whole thing.

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Jason tried calling me every day. He would show up at my apartment every other day hoping that I would hear him out. I wouldn’t even let him in the front door.

A week after I gave Ted my demo, a record producer called me to set up a meeting. We met the next day, and he asked for me to sing to see if there was a big difference in my recorded voice versus my live voice. He loved my voice and signed me on the spot. I couldn’t believe it. I had just been signed to a major record label! I’d barely been in LA for two weeks and I had already been signed to a record label. But maybe I shouldn’t get too excited considering the other awesome thing received. That was sarcasm if you were wondering, but that was a relationship thing and this was my future career. It was totally different.

The producers asked me to come back in a few days to sign the contracts. It was all happening so fast. I still needed to get an agent, a manager and a lawyer. I didn’t have the money for any of that. Maybe I would call up Scott in Miami to see if he knew anyone out here who could help. I would have called Jason, but obviously I wasn’t speaking with---; my phone began to ring and I answered. “Hello?”

“James, please don’t hang up.”

“We’ve been over this Jason; I’m not talking to you.”

“Please, just hear me out. Can we meet somewhere? I’ll say what I have to say and you never have to see me again if that’s what you want. But, I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”

I couldn’t believe it. “You’ve never said that to me; ever. Are you saying that because you fucked up?”

There was a pause on his end. A few seconds later he said, “Yes... and no. Can we meet so I can explain it better?”

I let out a huge sigh. “Fine; come over to my place.”

I headed on home to wait for that asshole. I didn’t know if I was ready to forgive him. I was always of the opinion that if someone cheated, they would do it again. I knew that wasn’t always the case, but did I really want to take that chance?

Jason arrived about forty-five minutes later. He looked so good. He was wearing a mock turtle neck the color of sea foam. His jeans weren’t tight by they showed off all of his….assets. Dammit, I needed to be strong or I would never get through this. He came in and looked me up and down and said, “You look good James.”

Hey, I just said that. Why were we on the same page now? “Thank you Jason, now what do you want?” That’s right; stay strong.

He smiled and said, “That’s what I love about you; no nonsense.” He reached up and caressed my cheek. I closed my eyes and was about to reach up and touch his hand when I came to my senses. I pushed his hand down instead. “Jason….”

“I’m sorry. I really don’t know how many ways I can tell you that. I am truly sorry. What I did should never have happened, but it did. I so wish I could take it back. I never want to see that look you gave me again. It was pure disappointment and…….defeat,” he said.

As I sat down on the sofa, I asked, “And why did it happen? Was the sex we had that bad that you needed to find a replacement?”

He looked at me as if I had just slapped him. “No, it’s nothing like that. You were amazing and not just in the bedroom, but I guess you are pretty experienced.”

“You are a son of a bitch. You’re not really helping your cause here.”

“Sorry,” he said. “Let me explain. You aren’t my first relationship, but you are my first boyfriend. I’ve never really been any good at relationships. Whenever I get really intimate with someone, I subconsciously want to sabotage the relationship. I feel as if somehow I don’t deserve this happy feeling.

“I was sexually abused by my father’s friend when I was a child. When I finally told someone, which took everything I had in me to do, they made me feel as if it were my fault. I guess it stayed with me. That’s why my ex-wife left.”

My jaw dropped. “Ex-wife?!? What ex-wife? You were married before? You never said anything!”

“I thought you knew. It was in all in the tabloids and all over every television network.”

“I don’t pay attention to that stuff. I hardly ever believe the stuff the tabloids and tabloid shows say.”

“Well,” he said while shrugging his shoulders, “some of it is true. I know this doesn’t justify anything, and it has happened before and could happen again, but I am getting help. I’m trying to change because I want to do right by you. I do love you James. I am in love with you James C. Taylor. I honestly have felt this way since I met you at the signing. That was why I came up to you afterwards. I couldn’t let a good opportunity like you get away from me. I sensed something in you that was special, and I wanted to be around when you noticed it too. I might not have the necessary experience in gay relationships to keep you happy, but I really want to try and make this work. You are the great love of my life. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else. You are all I think about, and it pains me to know that I seriously hurt you. I will do whatever it takes to win you back and have you trust me again.”

Wow! I had no idea. Was this what my mother was talking about? It might be more than I could handle, but if he was willing, I would try to make the relationship work too. I laughed at that last comment he made though. “You want to win me back? It’s not like I’m seeing anyone.”

“Really, are you serious? I just thought someone would have scooped you up the instant I messed up.”

“We’ve been over this before. I don’t get scooped up. You are my first. I wanted it to be the last but after this….”

Jason walked over to me and pulled me up from the couch. He pulled me in for an embrace, and I didn’t stop him. I started to cry into his shoulder. He pulled me in closer and started to stroke my head. It was at that moment that I forgave him, but what could I say; I loved him. I was in love with Jason Branton. But where did we go from there. He was right; I still didn’t trust him. Was I supposed to assume he would never do something like that again? I didn’t want to be a stalker boyfriend, but if he didn’t answer when I called, what was I to think? I didn’t want to have to follow him 24/7. That would have to be for the next chapter to explain. Our lives would start over after that so it would be a new phase in our relationship. Hopefully it would be a good one.

Next Chapter: And so it begins...