I can’t look at you while I’m talking about it and you’ve got to promise me that you’ll keep it confidential,” Stephanie said looking at Jake.

Jake took a deep breath and said, “I promise.”

“I grew up in the system,” she began.  “I was a foster child.  I don’t know anything about my parents except that they were crackheads.  The state took me away from them when I was a baby.  I was passed around from foster home to foster home.  My earliest memory is of a man touching me and hurting me when I was three years old.  It’s fuzzy but I can remember his hands all over me.  But what I most remember is how I felt.  I felt so dirty and ashamed inside.  But I didn’t know why.  The man was a friend of my then foster parents.  He continued to molest me until I was placed in another foster home.” She said in a quivering voice.

Jake leaned in closer to her. 

Stephanie placed her head on his lap, then continued. 

When I was six they moved me again.  This time was with a younger couple.  At first, everything seemed good, but after a few months of being with them, the husband began to come into my room at night and molest me.  I was with them for about four years.  When I turned ten years old, he raped me.  He wasn’t a violent man.  He didn’t use violence.  He made me believe that I was being loved.  He told me he loved me and that what he was doing was special and just between us.  He said it was a special kind of love and that I needed to keep it between us because if other people found out they would become jealous and separate us,” Stephanie said with tears in her eyes. 

Jake just listened with compassion.  He was so sad for her.  How could people do that to a child?  He caressed her hair and gently massaged her scalp to calm her breathing.  He didn’t want her going into another panic attack.

After a deep sigh, she began again. “After that, I was placed with another family.  It was with an elderly couple and they were actually good people and were very nice to me.  They had a big farm and opened up their home to many foster kids.  There were many of us living with them.  They really cared about the foster kids that they housed and tried to provide a good place for us.  Everything was good for about three years.  I was enjoying school and making friends.  I liked the farm life and caring for the animals.  Caring for the animals gave me a purpose.”  She stopped talking as memories of what she’d lost came back to her.  She hadn’t thought about her childhood in a long time and she was starting to feel unhinged.

Jake reached down and kissed her head.  “If this is too hard, we can stop.”

But she shook her head.  She’d never shared anything about her past with anyone.  Maybe it would help to share with Jake.  She inhaled deeply and continued. “When I was around 13 years old everything changed.  They brought in a new foster boy who was 16 years old.  He was a real punk.  He was into alcohol and drugs.  My foster parents tried to help him improve but he didn’t care. He would do all kinds of crazy things behind their backs.  He would steal money from them and bully the rest of us. 

One day, he took me out to one of the sheds in the back of the farm on the pretext that I needed to help him with something.  When we were alone there, he attacked me physically.  He beat me up and sexually assaulted me.  It was awful.  He got angry at me when he realized I wasn’t a virgin.  He hit me and called me a slut and whore.  He beat me up badly and told me that if I told anyone it had been him who did it, he’d kill the foster parents and all the other foster kids,” she sobbed quietly.

Jake just held her and continued to caress her hair.

“I was petrified of him.  I couldn’t hide the physical abuse.  When my foster parents saw me.  They freaked out and took me to the hospital.  I told them I had gotten mugged but told them I hadn’t seen who it was because the guy had worn a mask.  The kid continued to harass and rape me the whole time he was there and at any opportunity he got.  She grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly.

“He beat me up a few more times and had to go to the hospital two more times but each time I told them the same story.  My foster parents and the staff at the hospital suspected that I was covering for someone, but they never found out who it was.  After the 3rd hospitalization, the state moved me to another home.  I was around 15 years old at the time.  By then I had developed a rough edge.  I was quiet and kept mostly to myself.  I realized that if I dressed in dark clothes and wore dark make-up people would leave me alone for the most part.  At 16, I was moved to a group home.  There, one of the social workers abused me horribly.”  She broke down sobbing.

Jake pulled her close to him and helped her lay down.  He laid next to her and held her as she sobbed.  After a while, she calmed down.  He got up and brought her a box of tissues.

“Thank you.”  She said wiping her face down.

“What happened with the social worker?”

Stephanie closed her eyes as horrible memories flooded back.  “You still want me to keep going?”

“Of course,” he said lifting her chin.

“Aren’t you horrified?  You probably want to do nothing with me now?”

Stephanie, have I done or said anything that would make you think that?”  He cupped her face and gave her a light peck on her lips.

Stephanie inhaled deeply.  “No,” she shook her head.

“I think you need to let it out.  Don’t stop because of me.  I can handle it.  I’m more worried about you.”

“I’m all right.” She said.

He waited for her to continue.

She closed her eyes as she continued. “He was heavily into pornography and would make me act out all kinds of pornographic scenes with him.    He was a sadist and into BDSM type stuff.  He liked to inflict pain on me.  He left me with a lot of scars,” Stephanie said sobbing silently. 

Jake puller her closer to him and kissed her forehead.  “It’s okay, baby.  You’re safe now.  I’m here and won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”

Stephanie looked up at him.  She saw tenderness in his eyes but also yearning.  He yearned for her, or for Gloria.  It didn’t bother her.  She could sense that he held so much pain in his heart.  Maybe she could help him ease his pain.  She’d given herself to so many guys that never appreciated her.  Maybe for once, she could give herself to someone who needed her.  Maybe she could help him get over Gloria.

He lifted her chin and kissed her again.  This time deeper.  When he pulled back and looked in her eyes, she looked haunted.  God, how it pulled his heart.  He wanted to comfort her, help her, protect her.  But was it Stephanie he wanted to love or Gloria’s memory?

“He went overboard a couple of times and that’s when I was hospitalized again.” Stephanie continued.  “He told the hospital staff and police that I was very promiscuous and had gone out to a sex club looking to be hurt like that.  He told them that I enjoyed it.  He was very manipulative and knew how to make people believe him.  He had a way with words and people.   I was so dead inside I just didn’t care about what happened to me.  Sometimes I wished that I would just die so the pain and torture would end.  After that, he was more careful not to leave external marks.

“Like I mentioned before, he was a sadist.  He liked to tie me up bondage style.  But you’ve got to understand this wasn’t the kind of BDSM that you hear about with consenting adults.  This was not a consensual thing.  This was rape and torture.  Horrific rape.  He liked to take me to the brink of death and bring me back.  He liked having that kind of control over me.”

Jake’s body tensed as she continued her story.  He could only imagine what kind of horror this poor woman had lived through.

“He would choke me until I was almost passed out.  He would sit on my chest until I couldn’t breathe.  Sometimes, when he was doing that stuff to me, I just wanted him to kill me and get it over with.  Then I wouldn’t have to deal with him ever again.  But he never killed me,” she cried.

“Baby, it’s all right.  He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Stephanie looked up at him and nodded.  “I know, but it hurts so bad. When I think about what he did…”

“Do you want to stop?”

She shook her head.  “I want to get it out.”

He nodded and held her against his chest as she continued sharing the dreadful details of her past abuse.

“He tied me up in all kinds of painful ways and twisted my body into painful positions.  He slapped me around a lot and scratched and bit me a lot until he made me bleed.   He liked using what he called, “sex toys” but these weren’t the kind of sex toys you could find at the normal sex store.  I’m not sure where he got them, I think most of them were homemade.  He would insert painful objects into me vaginally and in my anus.  Most of the time when he did it, he had me so tied up that I couldn’t move an inch.  I was completely at his mercy.  Sometimes he would do that for hours at a time.”
          “Oh, God Stephanie!  Nobody noticed?”

She shook her head.  “No.  I was in a group home.  You learn to fend for yourself in places like that.”

“But wasn’t there someone you could go to for help?”

“I didn’t know who I could trust?  I didn’t know if they were all doing that to us in secret.  Who knew who else was being abused?  I didn’t want to go to jail.”

“Jail?”

Stephanie shrugged.  “Those people have control over everyone in the system.  They can get away with murder.”

“I’m so sorry baby.  I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”  She took in a few deep breaths and closed her eyes and continued.  “He also liked to cut me.  He had a place that was soundproof where he would take me to do all this stuff.  He’d take me during the day and say that I would cut school, and then return me to the group home when school got out.  Almost every day it was like that.  He even-“

“Stephanie, I can’t hear anymore,” Jake suddenly said standing up.  He put his hands on his head as he began to pace back and forth.  He thought he could hear it.  He thought he could bear it but all he wanted to do right now was punch the wall over and over again. 

Stephanie opened her eyes.  Her eyes were full of pain.  “I told you, you wouldn’t want to know,” she cried.  “I knew you would find it abhorrent and disgusting!” She sobbed.

He took in a few breaths to calm himself down.  He wanted to be there for Stephanie.  He had to be there for her.  He couldn’t be there for Gloria but hell if he wasn’t going to be there for Stephanie.  “No, it’s not that.  You had no say in it.  You were forced and coerced.  You were tied up for crying out loud!” Jake almost yelled.  “There was nothing you could have done to stop him,” He said embracing her.  “It wasn’t your fault.  It was all him.  You weren’t even an adult.  He was supposed to help you and all the other foster kids.  He betrayed your trust.  He should be in prison,” Jake said angrily.

Jake couldn’t believe what Stephanie had shared.  He was aghast!  How could any girl go through so much pain and abuse?  He wanted to scream and go out and find all the people who hurt her and make them pay.  But he knew he couldn’t do anything to undo the damage or to take away the awful pain and trauma, so he just held her tight and rocked her back and forth as she cried in his arms.

“What happened the fifth time you were hospitalized?” he asked.

Stephanie looked up at him and asked, “Do you really want to know?”

Jake looked at Stephanie.  He wanted to know Stephanie; to know about her past; to know about the demons that haunt her in her nightmares.  He wanted to be strong for her, to support her, and lift her up.  He needed to know.  He couldn’t shy away from listening to the details as hard as it was to hear them.  “Yes, he said looking straight at her.  “I want to know what you went through.”

Stephanie took a deep breath closed her eyes and began again.  “I was two months away from turning 18.  He knew he wouldn’t have me in his clutches much longer.  He had one more depraved thing he wanted to do, one more perverted fantasy he wanted to live out.  He took me to a hotel room one night.  At first, I thought it was just going to be the usual bondage stuff he always did.  But as more men began to arrive, I knew it was going to be bad.

“Almost as soon as the men started arriving he stripped me down, gagged me, and tied me up.  They all paid him to have sex with me.  But it wasn’t tame sex.  Each guy got to tie me up the way he wanted to and twist me in whatever position he wanted.  They did unimaginable things.  Things that would make you throw up.  Some cut me, some choked me and took me to the brink of death, and some burned me with their cigarettes.  At one point, I had five guys on me entering me on both sides.  They put stuff into me for the fun of it to see what would happen, how I would react to it, to see how much pain it would cause me.  I tried to escape in my mind like I always did but the pain was so horrific I couldn’t do it.  I felt everything they did.  I remember every disgusting word, every filthy touch.  They were savages.  They bit me, pinched me, spanked me, hit me, pulled my hair…   They had me do all kinds of crazy, disgusting things.  There wasn’t one spot in that room where I wasn’t abused; on the bed, on the floor, the chair, the bathroom, the shower, the sink, the toilet, the closet…It was torture.  They tortured me.  Some of the guys thought it would be funny to put a pillow over my face and sit on me until I couldn’t breathe and struggle anymore.  I don’t know how I survived that night.  I really don’t.  I should have died.  I don’t know how or why I lived.”

      Jake unwrapped himself from Stephanie and stood up.  He paced around the room and rubbed his face repeatedly.  He just couldn’t believe what he’d heard.  He slammed his fist against a wall and cursed, then he turned around to go back to Stephanie.

She was sobbing quietly into a pillow.

Seeing her like that made her look so fragile so delicate.  He jumped onto the bed and enveloped her in his arms.  “I’m sorry baby.  I’m so sorry,” he said repeatedly.  He gave her sweet kisses on her cheeks and lips.  “Look at me Stephanie,” he said cupping her face. 

She looked up at him with teary eyes.

“It wasn’t your fault.  Don’t believe the lies they told you.  You deserve to be happy and to be loved.”  He said caressing her face.

      She clung to Jake.  Clung to his warmth, clung to his goodness, and clung to hope for the first time in her life.

      “Tell me more.”  He whispered in her ear.

      She looked up at him.

      “Tell me everything.”

She let out a few deep breaths and closed her eyes.  “I swear they all had depraved fantasies that they lived out that night.  The ones that gang-raped me were the worse.  They ripped me apart so baldly.    They raped me all night long.  It must have been about a hundred men or so.  They just kept coming in.  They hurt me so bad and made me bleed so much.  After hours of that, I stopped struggling and crying because they got off on it the more I cried and struggled, but also because I couldn’t fight anymore.  They had me gagged most of the time but when they took if off to have me pleasure them I would cry and scream out in agony.  They just laughed.   My voice was so hoarse and spent, at some point, I lost it.  I lost my voice and couldn’t scream or cry anymore.  I eventually passed out from the pain and torture of it all.

“Next thing I remember I was in a hospital hooked up to all kinds of things.  I had a broken pelvis and broken ribs.  I was scratched and bruised all over my body.  I had awful marks all over my body.  My vagina was torn pretty badly and so was my anus.  The medical staff thought that there were several guys that tried to go inside me all at the same time and when they couldn’t make it happen they inserted objects into me that tore me up inside.  They inserted foreign objects in me that caused a lot of damage. 

“I was in the hospital for over a month.  I later found out that whoever had paid for the room had paid in cash and had given a phony name.  I still think they had someone on the inside who helped them cover it up and get away with it,” Stephanie finished sobbing.

Jake had goosebumps all over his body.  He couldn’t believe how some human beings could be so cruel and perverted.  They were more like animals than men.  No, that would offend animals.  They were like demons.  Those men were pure evil.

When Stephanie was done telling her story, Jake had to go outside, for a while.  He ended up running for two miles non-stop to get the pent up anger out of his system.  He still couldn’t believe there were men out there who did that to girls, to women.  They all deserved to die horrible deaths for what they did to Stephanie. 

When Jake had spent himself running, he returned to his apartment to be with Stephanie and support her.

After they talked for a bit more they went to the kitchen to eat something.  Then, they went online and ordered clothes for Stephanie.  With one day shipping, she would have the clothes by tomorrow.

Stephanie spend the next few hours showering and resting.  Before she knew it, it was dinner time.

Jake set about preparing dinner.  His thoughts kept going back to Stephanie and all that she had shared.  Stephanie had sparked something in him.  Yeah, she was melancholic and had a lot to deal with but he still felt attracted to her.  It wasn’t just because she looked like Gloria anymore.  He was starting to like Stephanie for who she was regardless of how much she resembled Gloria.  He could see in Stephanie a certain strength.  She was a fighter and a survivor.  People who have gone through what she went through end up very damaged or even dead.  But Stephanie had a fighting spirit.  She was also delicate and fragile.  Even though she had been exposed to all kinds of dark and horrific sexual acts, she still had an innocence about her.  It was an innocence of soul.