script six: Pragma
Script six: pragma, long-lasting love. Knowing your partner in full and accepting all of him/her. Understanding that sometimes you have to make compromises for your partner and vice versa.
Isn’t she stunning? I genuinely enjoy watching her, wait.. that sounded creepy. I mean I just like looking at her… That didn’t sound better, but you know what I mean… it’s just that she’s amazing and sometimes I forget just how amazing. But then in moments like this, where she is sleeping so peacefully in her curled up baby-position. When her shimmering brown locks cover the entire pillow. When I am remembered how satin-like her face is; How the smoothness of her cheeks invites my tender touch. Even when her mouth is slightly open with a waterfall of drool coming out of it I can’t help but think how lucky I am that she is here, with me.
I look at the time… It’s already 3 am. But for some reason I just can’t catch my sleep. In times like this I begin to worry, not because there is necessarily a reason too. My mind just starts to play all kinds of tricky situations. Situations where I should have said something differently, Situations that are very plausible to happen in the near future and situations that will probably never occur… Sorry for the blurriness. But hey it’s late, you can’t expect me to be on my best right now. It’s Friday today isn’t it? Shit, that means it’s going to be a rough awakening tomorrow. I decided to get out of bed for a couple of minutes and take a little stroll to clear my mind. While walking down the stairs I took a trip down memory lane.
I don’t like my brain right now. This asshole likes bringing me back to one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I started thinking about 10 years ago. My drooling lady in the other room and I had been together for… 2 years or something. Seems so short now. Things between me and my wife… girlfriend at the time weren’t going as smoothly as I wanted them to. No big issues really, but just a lot of doubt in (I think) both of our minds. It was Eros’ 30th Birthday. And as you probably already know, Eros is the “go big or go home” kinda fellow. So the guys and I planned to go BIG. After a considerable amount of alcohol. (When I say considerable I mean way too much) We went to this massive rooftop party in Vegas. You probably already have a pretty good idea of where I’m going with this. Troubles at home, alcohol, Vegas… I’m not planning on sugarcoating anything either. I fucked up. There was a girl, of course there was and we just… you know, we hit it off, she was fun and spontaneous and she made me forget about my troubles. She made me forget a little too much.
If I remember correctly she jumped in a pool with all her clothes on and almost pulled me in with her. Even now with all the guilt about that evening I smile when I think of that moment. Maybe because it was still before… I did anything wrong. Skip an hour or something later. She was wearing my hoodie, which I gave to her when she got out of the pool. We were sitting at a quiet table, well as quiet as it can get on an insanely crowded, alcohol-drenched rooftop pool-party in Vegas. In a booth of sorts, she came closer, grabbed my face and kissed me. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t really have time to react. She took her face back half a millimeter and looked in my eyes, with a cheeky, inviting look. After a couple of seconds I was able to regain some wit and told her that I was in a relationship. She looked a bit taken aback at first, but then she simply said:
“what happens in Vegas… ”
I felt weird, and a tad disgusted by her disrespect for my relationship. I felt mad, I felt confused and I felt… intrigued. I felt like I shouldn’t want this, but I didn’t feel like I didn’t want it.
She came closer again and I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted to stop her or at least I think I wanted to stop her. The fact remains, I didn’t… She kissed me again and I just let her. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her. Maybe somewhere I wanted to kiss her. Maybe I didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and just needed a reason to end it. Or maybe, maybe I was hiding behind the fact that I didn’t kiss her, she was the one kissing me. I was just there… I didn’t do anything wrong. (yes I know how fucking ridiculous it sounds, but nobody wants to be the bad guy) After the second kiss it felt as if the damage was done… So no matter how I felt I could either let it ruin my night or have fun with it. I decided to have fun. -Stop judging me.- We went back to a hotel room and continued our kissing spree. I got on the bed and she said she wanted to freshen up a little bit first. Freshen up… What does that mean? Will she put on a sexy set of lingerie? An ironically innocent-looking white lace around her shoulder? Some teasing see-through tights? Panties leaving little up to the imagination, but you’d still want to waste no time taking them off? Is she making that pretty face of hers even more kissable, with dangerous red lip-gloss and intense mascara? Is she bundling up those angelic blonde locks? As I was fantasizing I suddenly regained my senses, as if someone threw a brick against my stupid cheating head. I stood up and walked towards the door, as soon as I grabbed the door knob, I heard my name.
”Pragma?” A confused look on a beautiful, practically naked girl stared me down.
“I, I, I… I can’t do this” I stuttered. Without giving her time to respond I got out of there.
I really didn’t feel like partying anymore. Would you? I went to bed and called my girlfriend at like 5 in the morning. I didn’t tell her about the kisses at first, just that I missed her. At the end of the call she asked me if I was okay, that I sounded a little upset. I guess that after 2 years of being together you do get to know each other. When I returned home, I knew we had to talk, but the first evening I saw her I just wanted to cuddle.
“I’ll tell her tomorrow.” I promised myself.
But fate had it planned otherwise. That evening she looked me in the eyes and asked me what I was hiding… She knew me too well. I explained to her what happened and that I’m not sure what this meant for our relationship. Obviously she was furious with me. I tried marginalizing the events by telling her that ‘ at least I didn’t have sex’ and ‘I stopped whatever was going to happen.’ She didn’t care about that and started bashing me.
“I know I made a mistake,” I tried interrupting her
“and you didn’t even want to tell me? You only told me because I knew something was up??” She re-interrupted.
“No that’s not true, I was going to…” But she wouldn’t let me explain.
“yeah yeah going to, I’ve heard…”
At this point I started to get mad as well, I was trying to talk but she wouldn’t listen. The conversation quickly escalated. And all our shared issues, not just the cheater’s kiss were thrown out. Things that when thinking back about it, should have been said way sooner. She then asked me one question, the question that I should’ve asked myself before letting that girl kiss me. The only question that really matters.
“Do you love me?”
The fight stopped. I saw her strong eyes holding back pressing tears waiting for the wrong answer. I saw her skin getting dry and her hands becoming fists. The only thing my dumbass self could get out of my mouth was: “I don’t know” and with that it seemed over. It seemed as if I lost my satin-skinned, drooling lady.
The next couple of days I hated myself. I was so fucking disgusted by what I had done… In fact I still am to this day. After a week I knew I wanted to be with her, I wanted to fight our troubles, I wanted her to give me a second chance and I wanted to prove to her I could be better. It took a lot of time, but we got through it, and I’m so glad we did, because now I can call this gorgeous lady my wife. My drooling, bossy, beautiful, funny and just overall amazing wife. The last step of the stairs shocked me back to the present.
What was I doing again? Oh right, a walk because my brain was being an asshole. After making myself a cup of tea I calmed down and my mind decided to go to a happier place. It took me back to the very beginning of our relationship. The first moment my eyes were punctured by her perfect silhouette. I remembered Storge getting an important phone call and leaving the remaining of our friend group behind with a couple of smokers from another group. And there she was. Her brown locks on her ebony face were just… mesmerising. I felt my hands getting clamp. And I was stumbling over my words.
“Hey Pragma, I am… I mean, I’m Pragma and apparently I forgot how to talk?” Yeah, I’m not that good with girls… I don’t really remember a lot of the conversation, You know, it is almost 12 years ago, but I do remember her laughing about my clumsiness. I know we just had a good time after that, even after Philia took an extremely drunk Agape to his bed (They share an apartment). And after one of her friends almost got arrested for peeing against a tree somewhere. I remember having so much fun with her. And the best part of all. She asked for my number, I’m still so incredibly grateful she did that, because I would never dare to. I’m pretty sure she wanted me to kiss her when we said goodbye, but I don’t pick up on stuff like that in the moment. I generally realize when I start overthinking later in the night. After that evening we kept in touch and sooner rather than later we started dating.
We had our good times and our bad times, sometimes I had to give in or make a compromise. I’m sure she had to do the same, probably more than me. And even though it wasn’t always easy, if you’d ask me now: “would you change anything in the past?” I would say no. Because… well the hardships made our relationship what it is today. And I learned something. I learned that even though there will be other obstacles, other challenges in our future. I know we will be okay, because we will face them together.
Sip. Finally finished my tea. Time to go to bed. I saw my satin lady again and I was just… happy and calm. I kissed her forehead and got in next to her. I think she mumbled something like ” baby, is that you,” as I laid down my head and immediately entered the land of dreams. Even though a couple of hours later I had an abrupt, yet pleasant awakening.
“Daddy, daddy, daddy… “*jump*
“oooehhhohoho, hey there princess, did you sleep well” My little daughter jumping on our bed. I looked at the time… 7 am… Fuck me.
“daddy daddy, will you make pancakes again today, please please pleaaaaaaase”
“Of course he will baby,” my wife answered for me, throwing me a dodgy smile in the process.
“Will you daddy?” She looked with those lovely puppy eyes, begging me for a pancake.
“of course I will, darling” You couldn’t say no if you wanted to.
“yeeaaajj, I love you daddy”
“I love you too, baby girl, now you go downstairs and grab the pancake mix, you remember where the box is? ”
“I do!” she smiled, after bolting out the door as fast as she came in
“ooohn, I’m so tired” I heard my wife yawning. I turned to her, dropped a little kiss on her cheek and got out of bed to make pancakes for our beautiful daughter. Before leaving, I looked at her one more time and said
“I love you so, so much ”