script four: Philautia
Script four: Philautia, self-love. Accepting and loving yourself for the individual that you are, one of the most difficult kind of loves.
It was clear that Eros and Ludus made their choice for the rest of the evening. It’s often like that with those guys. As soon as they see a pretty lady, they’re off chasing tail (with a lack of better wording). I don’t blame them though, they just want something and then g o for it. I even somewhat admire them. The rest of the guys decided to have a drink together first, not a minute after finishing my beer, Mania pulled me over and said we should go talk to those girls over there. The 2 blondes were quite attractive, but they would never be interested in us… I didn’t even want to try, really. Mania pushed a bit, and I’m not good under pressure. He did make up some good points: what’s the worst that can happen? Even if they would turn us down, I’ve got your back. You need to learn to talk to girls someday, so why not start today?” I reluctantly agreed… The moment I stepped in their direction, I knew I was making a mistake, those girls just wanted to have some fun with their friends and now two assholes are trying to ruin their night.
So we walk up to these girls and instead of just talking to them like normal people, we started dancing next to them, clearly trying to get their attention, but surprise surprise, they weren’t interested. I saw Mania making his moves and trying to talk to one of the girls. But only when he offered her free drinks she responded. I apologized to the other girls for bothering them on their night out and was about to go back to the boys. To my surprise, the prettiest blonde of the two started talking back to me and said that I wasn’t bothering them. They thought Mania’s desperateness was actually kind of funny. Don’t get me wrong, it was still very obvious that she wasn’t interested in me, but I liked that she acknowledged my existence. Mania came over and said I should beat it, because I’m hurting his chances with my awkward behavior. He is probably right, but I didn’t even want to come here in the first place. Like, I’m just trying to be comfortable completely out of my comfort zone, only because he needed a wingman. And now he is blaming me for hurting his chances, even though we both knew perfectly well they weren’t interested from the start.
“It’s not like you would have a chance anyway, she is way out of your league,” I mumbled, apparently loud enough for him to hear me.
“We were totally on the same page, you don’t know anything about girls, you virgin,” He shouted, I think he wanted to make sure some people heard it. I noticed the group of girls leaving, but Mania was too occupied with scolding me.
“dude…” I even tried to warn him.
“No man, it’s always the same with you, you feel bad so you just bring other people down, I try to include you, try to get you some girls and all you do, is stand there mumbling”. It’s clear Mania is already too drunk so I just let him scream whatever he wants at this point. He continues, with his pointless harassing. I know I’m a loser, I know I don’t deserve love. I’m just a stupid sack of shit.
“honestly man, you’re a sack of …” I think he realized that he had already gotten through to me. Maybe he noticed me holding back a tear of acknowledgement or something.
“shit,” I said.
“what,” He looked confused. Even though I was perfectly clear.
“you didn’t finish your sentence, I’m a sack of shit”.
“no man, I’m sorry. you know I just get emotional and… Fuck, where are the girls? There, I see her, come on man, we’ll figure this shit out later, let’s just have fun tonight,” he said, while already leaving me behind.
He didn’t care about me though, he was consumed by the thought of that girl. Why would he care? I don’t even care. This bullshit music is way too loud… Time to go. On my way back I noticed Eros making out with the redhead from before. The only thing I wanted even less than partying was hearing Eros fucking yet another girl in the room next to me. A couple of us live in the same house by the way. So here I was, not feeling like partying anymore, but really not wanting to go home either. So I just wandered around a little bit. I hated moments like this, I hated that I could hear my own thoughts more clearly than ever. Bad thoughts. Thoughts where I realize that I am never wanted or appreciated. Thoughts where I am the extra, replaceable friend. And you know what, I’d replace myself too. My jokes aren’t funny, I am not the smartest of the bunch, I fail to carry my own weight and then I have the idiotic idea I can help lift another’s. Thoughts where I just want to jump off a ledge or chug enough pain killers to kill… the pain. You want to know the worst of all? In these thoughts I feel most like… myself. The real me, the real Philautia. I felt as if I was watching myself walk; some loser with his head down, shoulders bent and a tear of self-pity just in the corner of his eye, waiting to erupt into a waterfall of sorrow. I looked like a mess. I was a mess. I just let my legs carry me away from the sound. When I looked up I saw a lake and small cave, completely sealed off with iron spikes, like a park. The door was unlocked though. Strange, I thought. I’ve been in this town for 3 years and I never saw this place. I went in and there was a plaque.
‘This lake, lake Echo is named after the all-natural cave next to it and the legend it holds. It is said through old tales that every message spoken in this cave will reach the ear of he who needs it most. The echo carries through wood and stone the same as air.’
The plaque continues with a story about a man who was robbed by three muggers. The man, clearly outnumbered, pleaded only to keep some of the food for his wife and two children. Laughing, one of the robbers punched the man down, kicked him in the stomach and kicked his face in once more… Pleasant story, I thought to myself. It continued with the robbers taking all they could carry -including the food- and running away. The man somehow managed to crawl to this very cave to get somewhere safe and whispered to himself that he loved his wife and that he was sorry he couldn’t make it home. Not a minute later the wife called the police saying that her husband was in trouble, claiming she could feel it in her bones. The policemen didn’t believe her at first, but after the wife kept on begging they agreed to send 2 officers searching along the way the man supposedly traveled. Probably just to get her off their backs. The officers noticed some signs of a struggle and a liquid that could pass for blood. So they reported back that it wasn’t impossible what the wife told them. After 2 hours he was found in dire condition. But as always with these kinds of stories, he made a full recovery. And the robbers were caught a day later, trying to pawn off the man’s wedding ring. At the end of the story there was a picture of the couple and their 2 kids in the hospital, smiling brightly. That can’t be real? Probably just a stock photo or something. Still it was a nice place here, so I decided to walk to the river. Looking in the water I saw my sad face reflected back at me. I never liked looking at myself, but I somehow felt the water calling to me, maybe I was just more drunk than I thought. A simple breeze of wind guided a wave over the lake, followed by another, and another, and another. I felt at ease staring at the distorted image of myself in the water accompanied by the sound of rustling reeds.. It started drizzling. At first it was even more beautiful to see the rain dance on the water surface. How they all made their own tiny ripples with a kiss to the lake. The raindrops were multiplying and the drizzling became rain. Since I didn’t feel like getting soaked, I decided to get to the cave for some shelter. When I was inside, it was even more peaceful. This time it was because of the sound. It calmed me. The rain made a symphony with the hollow rock amplifying every note. It was as if there were an orchestra and I had front row seats. I listened to the sound for a couple of minutes. Then I checked the time on my watch, it was about 4 am already. I had been walking for at least an hour, no wonder I didn’t recognize it here. I better call an Uber to get me home, because it looked like the rain wasn’t going to stop soon. Great… My phone died. As if this night weren’t shitty enough. I immediately forgot the peace nature had brought and started to get irritated once more. I remembered the story of the man with the robbers. I knew it was fake, so I decided to ridicule the idea.
“I am lost and need to get home,” I said mockingly.
“I am lost,” the echo responded. Way more discernible than any other echo I’ve ever heard. It was as if someone else spoke the words. After a second pondering I realized that only the first part of my sentence echoed, so I tried again.
“I need to get home”. When I listened to the echo it happened again.
“I need to,“ The echo stopped again as if forcing me to change my sentences.
“I’m going crazy, I’m actually starting to think this cave can… do something?” I mumbled to myself
“I’m something ” The echo multiplied these 2 words louder than all others he did before. I know that I must sound like a proper crazy person. I don’t even believe it myself, when I’m saying this. That’s also why I haven’t told the boys and probably never will. Anyways, crazy as it sounds, it was reassuring to hear that I’m something. I still wasn’t entirely convinced this was real. I pinched myself. There must be a logical explanation to all of this, something with sound waves traveling or some shit. Even so I decided to tell the cave what I hadn’t dared to tell anyone yet.
“I feel worthless, I know my friends think they care about me, but they don’t. They care about who they think I am, not who I am. They care for the person I’m trying to be. They will leave me as soon as they realize how weak I actually am, or when they find someone better, like Mania did. Shit… I feel helpless. And yet, I don’t blame them, I’m happy that they have been with me for so long. But how could they care about someone that doesn’t even care about himself?”. Saying these words out loud was one of the most difficult things I had done in my entire life, even though it was just to some lifeless cavity. The echo’s response awakened me from my thought process.
“my friends care about me, about who I am. They care for the person I’m trying to be. As soon as they realize how weak I actually am, they help. I blame me for so long. They care about someone that doesn’t even care about himself.” I started crying. It doesn’t make any sense, but because of this stupid rock I started crying. “I blame me for so long”, this was the sentence that really hit me. I was blaming myself for who I was.
“I don’t want to blame myself anymore” I cried out like a child.
“I want myself” the echo replied. I was dumbfounded. I want myself… How could I possibly want myself. Look at me. I’m a loser. I was a little kid wailing in a cave talking to himself. How could I want that? “Tell me weird magic cave, how could I want myself?” I yelled out in frustration.
“tell me weird magic cave, how could I want myself?”
“wait”
“wait”
“this can’t…”
“this can’t…”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind here”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind here” The echo was finally acting like an echo should. Still balling my eyes out, I remembered the plaque : ‘It is said through old tales that every message spoken in this cave will reach the ear of he who needs it most. The echo carries through wood and stone the same as air.’
I started to think about the things I said and the things I heard. If I should believe this enchanted cave, I should take the words I heard to heart. I needed to give this message to myself! I felt tired and didn’t want to think anymore. I felt like crying and resting…
Sometime later, my eyes started to dry up. Somehow I was even more at ease now than I was when I entered the park. I was done crying for myself. While I was rubbing my eyes, getting rid of the last drop of salt I heard… Nothing. The rain had stopped. I went outside and felt my shoe slipping in the freshly made mud. I took one last glimpse at the lake and remembered a feeling, a feeling of emptiness I had always had, but for some reason, this feeling was reassuring this time and not just sad? Just as the rain brought out the mud in the earth beneath me, so had the cave brought out the mud inside of me. A new feeling arose. It was a feeling I’d forgotten… hope. I started to walk, with hope as my guide. I sound like uncle Iroh here, I laughed to myself. About a minute later I saw a taxi and boy, was I relieved. I asked him how far it would be and how much it would cost to get me back home. He laughed and said it was a mere 10 minute drive, which was around 20 euros. thankful, I sat back and let the car take me home. I thought back at my conversation with myself and couldn’t help but to laugh. It was clear that I had been struggling for most of my life, but only now -because of a stupid magic cave- I realized that I alone can chose what to do with this feeling. I realized I have to open up and seek help. I would tell my friends and let them help me. I was really scared, but I couldn’t keep on living like this. When I got home Mania was sitting on our couch at the apartment with blood on his knuckles. You could see by his face that he hadn’t had the best night either. I looked him in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, I really am,” he whispered, breaking our eye contact in the process.
“it’s okay, you didn’t mean to, you just get really worked up in the moment, I understand”. Really, Mania wasn’t a bad guy, not always. He just lets his emotions carry him too much sometimes. I cared for his hand and before I went to bed, we had a long, heartfelt conversation consisting of me baring all my emotions, all my doubts and all my worries. I didn’t know what to expect. I was scared and mad at myself for burdening him with all of this without warning. Before I spiraled any further he hugged me. It was weird to get a hug from another guy, with such warmth, but in that moment, it was exactly what I needed.
When I got to bed, I felt relieved. I was proud of myself. Before I closed my eyes I made a promise. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I needed to keep this promise. I whispered: “From now on, I will try to love myself”. Today, even if it were for a mere minute, I did love me.