script five: storge
Script five: storge, family love. The bond between siblings and parents. Some would say: “blood is thicker than water”
It was always strange to me how our group of friends seemed to diminish over time. I guess that’s just how it goes. The more extroverted will… Extrovert? Mania and Philautia had barely finished their drink and off they were. That left Pragma, Agape, Philia and myself with our beers.
The four of us weren’t really much of ‘hunters,’ as Eros would say. We were more the laid back, “grab a smoke” kind of people. So after we finished our second round of beers, we went out to light one up. I actually don’t smoke that often, but when I’m out with friends it’s just kinda part of the experience for me. I love the social feeling. I’m always surprised how friendly all smokers are to one another. You need a lighter? No problem. Your pack is finished? Here have a smoke of mine. For some reason (almost) all smokers can just isolate themselves from the party all-together and have a talk. This night was no different, after a minute or three, some guys came up to us and asked if we had a fire for them. We obliged and started talking a little. Nothing peculiar, just the obligatory: hey there, where are you from? Oh, maybe you know…”
While in conversation, my leg started buzzing. I looked in my pocket and had 3 missed calls from my brother. Shit… If he calls me I already know he is in trouble. As soon as I picked up, I was blasted away by the sound of my big brother’s trembling voice.
“Storge, storge, is that you? I’m sorry man, I’m in deep shit.” -Called it- “ I need your help, there was this guy, this… this dealer you know and he said I still owe him money from my previous hits, that he was sick of always having to wait, he pulled a gun and he… “ I wish this were the first time something like this happened. I know he tries, but it’s just so infuriating that he never seems to get his shit in order. “wow, calm down , did you just say gun? Are you hurt… are you shot?” He is still my brother though.
“no, no, I’m okay… but he said I had to pay right now, one way or another… I hate to ask you this, Storge, but I’m completely broke… I can’t ask mom or dad either, it would kill them to know I relapsed. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can, I promise!”
“How much do you need?” I said very obviously irritated, “and where are you?”
“you are a lifesaver, bro, I’m in the leprechaunstreet 5, next to the gas station. And, bro, I promise, this is the last time. I will get my life together. It’s just been difficult with job-hunting and…” he started snickering through the phone “ …She dumped me man. I know I shouldn’t use it as an excuse and all, but…”
“how much” I cut him off, I know it might sound cruel, but he’s pulled shit like this so often, it’s just impossible to keep being supportive and loving. There is always some external factor forcing him, it’s never his own fucking fault. We already sent him to rehab twice, he’s lost his job, his friends, and if he isn’t careful he’ll lose us too. After he slightly recomposed himself he continued.
“I owe him 430, I know it’s a lot, but I have a job interview tomorrow. That’s why I was here in the first place I was really nervous and just needed something to take the edge off, I know you know what I mean.”
“No, man.”
“what, you ain’t coming, please bro, don’t make me beg!”
“No, I meant I don’t know what you mean, I’ll be there in an hour, need to go to the ATM and call an Uber. Just… yeah, I’ll be there”. I hung up, didn’t really want to hear more of his excuses for the time being.
After the call I told my friends and the strangers that I had to go, family trouble. Philia -who knows all about my brother- asked if I needed help with anything, but I just wanted him to have fun, so I said it’ll be okay and that they should keep partying. If I can, I’ll come back after the trouble’s been resolved. While I was walking to the ATM, I started thinking about my brother and wondering how we ended up here. He used to be the one to protect me. Like, when he kicked that bully’s ass for me, or when he jumped in front of that neighbor’s crazy dog. I’m pretty sure that animal ripped half his arm to smithereens. He’d always take the blame and… And then one day I find him in bed with a needle in his arm… fuck man, that was one of the scariest days of my life. We don’t often talk about it and if we do, we fight. I don’t think he gets it, I don’t think he knows that mom and dad cry together, wondering if they failed as parents. It’s a tough thing to go through, when you’re barely an adult yourself… I was lucky, because I was able to escape the situation through my friends. Philia in particular helped me through it. What was it again? 450, and then some money for an Uber… after withdrawing 600 euro, I looked at my bank account. Fuck me… I only had around 100 more to last me the month. I’ll have to take a couple of extra shifts. I couldn’t help thinking what an absolute asshole that brother of mine was. His stupid ass is just getting the money off of me he needs so he can buy… I stopped myself and reminded myself he’d do the same for me… At least I hoped he would.
We were already half an hour later until I finally found a driving Uber. I started to form an image in my head as to what the place looked like, from my excessive movie knowledge I expected that my stomach would turn at the sight of this godforsaken place. No working streetlight, a couple of shady guys looking like trouble. A half broken down gas station that would light up the broken windows of the neighboring houses. Litter everywhere. A car on bricks, because the wheels were stolen. Maybe two homeless people fighting over the ‘good’ sleeping spot. And the only thing worse than the loathsome view, would be the smell of drugs and despair. A strong nauseating smell, that would force almost anyone to puke on the spot.
“we’re here,” said the Uber driver.
“really?” I asked in disbelief.
“jup, leprechaunstreet 5, that’ll be 35 bucks, please”. I had a good look around. Much to my surprise, there weren’t any homeless people, there wasn’t a broken car and the streetlights, as well as the light from the gas station made the normal houses well lit. I’m not sure whether I was happy or even more disturbed. This was no outskirt of societal rules. This was just a normal suburban street. I looked at the house number 5 and again my expectations of a filthy drug den were disproved. It was actually a rather beautiful house; The decorated door, the brick walls with antique windows, where white curtains blocked the curious eye. Perfectly fitting with the older house was the well-kept front yard. You’d imagine some grandma living here playing babysit after school hours. I pressed the bell and some guy opened the door.
“Oh, you must be Storge? Please come in, wipe your shoes, please.” The politeness of this guy caught me completely off guard. Was he the… “Do you have the money?” he asked with an unpredicted kindness to his request.
“yeah, where’s my brother,” I said, more sure of myself somehow.
“follow me”.
We went to his back room, where my brother was sitting in some luxurious chair. His face buried in his hands and his entire posture screamed shame. He didn’t even move his head when we entered the room.
“if I pay you, we can just leave, right? No funny business,” I asked, somewhat scared of the answer. Looking at the gun he was visibly wearing.
“yeah, of course, I just need to pay my rent, and he was getting behind on his payments. The gun is for self-protection, you know how junkies are…” He said this with a calmness and sincerity that just froze my entire body. How could he be so indifferent to the lives he destroys. I hated the fact he could so blatantly call my brother a junkie, but what bothered me the most is how logical he sounded and how easy it was for me to nod my head… ‘You know how junkies are.’ Crazy, no self-respect and would do anything for their next high. I gave him the money, 450 euros, if I remembered correctly.
“oh, seems you have paid a little too much, here.” He handed me back a 20. This didn’t feel like a bad man. I couldn’t help to be vexed though. I despised how normal he could talk about all this shit. I despised how he is part of the problem. I despised how I somewhat recognized myself in his position towards these ‘junkies’. I’m not a violent man, yet I really wanted to punch this guy’s face in.
“thank you, Storge,” my brother said very faintly.
“Let’s go, I’ll get you home” I sighed. He got up, still avoiding eye contact and started to walk towards the door.
“bye, see you soon, man” This dealer piece of shit just had to throw some oil on the fire.
“Yeah, bye… asshole,” I said when I was sure to be out of earshot. We went outside and started walking to my brother’s car. I didn’t know what to tell him or what to ask. I just couldn’t go through this again. Yet he forced me to. Shit man, even in my thoughts I’m conflicted. I have to confront him about this, don’t I? I mean, I did just bail him out…
“so… Care to tell me why you owed him 430 euros?” fuck, okay, that was way too harsh, calm down Storge.
“I’ll pay you back”. What kind of an answer is that. I mean, he’s not even going to try to explain himself. I felt my anger boiling my brains out. I started clenching my hand: “don’t you fucking get it? I don’t care about the money, I care about you, and mom cares, and dad cares… Why don’t you? Really man, you can’t say that that kinda money is just a one-time bad feeling. That shit is done over time.” Argh, fuck me man. I don’t want to push him away, but he needs to hear this.
“don’t tell mom and dad, I’ll pay you back, I’ll get clean, I mean it this time”.
“Yeah, sure. I wish I could believe you.”
We didn’t say anything else on the way home. The silence let the reality fall in. The gravity of the situation became clear again. We stopped at his house, with that ugly yellow wall. We always used to make jokes about that wall and he’d always answer the same: it has character. There we sat in the car. In a silence that spoke volumes. I started thinking about how he was feeling, being saved by his little brother…
“still didn’t fix that ugly ass wall?” I couldn’t help it.
“hey, it has character,” perfectly on cue.
We looked at each other and just started laughing. We giggled like we were ten again and everything was fine. Just for that moment, it was fine.
“Do you want me to sleep with you tonight? I mean, just so you’re not alone?” I was a bit scared he would feel like I’m pampering him with that request, but I didn’t like the idea of him sleeping alone tonight.
“I’m not a child.” Yeah, I knew he’d take it that way.
“okay, okay, I just… I just care about you,” I said.
“I know, thanks bro, but I’ll be alright. Just need to get some sleep,” he replied.
I saw him grabbing his arm, where a thick line of scar-tissue was visible. “You know, I used to idolize you and I still do somewhere, I couldn’t have been the man I am today if you didn’t always have my back. And now… I want to be there for you man, but you got to be there for yourself as well.” It was quiet for a minute or two. A really uncomfortable, yet necessary silence.
We made eye contact for the first time today. I saw his eyes, his tired, almost lifeless eyes. They weren’t the eyes of a 31 year old man. They looked to me like the eyes of someone who had given up, to be honest.
“I’m gonna fix my life,” he said, looking back at me. And when he did, I saw something else in his eyes. A small glinster. Just for a split second. A sincerity, a hope. He is a tough bastard, that’s for sure. He’ll be okay.
“Can I at least get a glass of water before I go?”
We talked a little about what job he was applying for and how well he had prepared, it actually seemed like this one was right up his alley. My phone alerted me that the Uber was at the door.
“Promise me you’ll call after you absolutely destroy that job interview,” I said jokingly. Actually… I was quite sincere, but I didn’t want to scare him too much. I really hope this will help turning his life around. I love him.
I gave him a glass of water and we had a little talk about what kind of job I was applying for. He is an amazing guy, that little brother of mine, you know? Hmh… it’s weird looking up to your younger brother… When the Uber was at my house to pick him up, he made me promise to call him after I nailed the job interview.
“go on then, optimistic little prick” I laughed at him. When he was out of the door I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore… There was no interview, my girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago and if I don’t pay my rent by next week, I’ll be kicked out. I’ll figure it all out tomorrow. I just want to get some sleep right now. I put my hands in my pockets and felt something crunching. I took it out, this small little piece of silver paper. I completely forgot, I still had some snow. No no, yes, no, I want it, I shouldn’t, it’ll calm me down though… It was so tempting. Okay, I don’t even have more than this. Just one shot so I can sleep through the night and then I’m done forever. Sorry Storge, I’m sorry you have such a weak older brother.
I grabbed the first clean spoon I could find and put the leftover heroin in it. While cooking it up, I looked through my hidden drawer to see if I still had a needle somewhere. Okay… didn’t find a needle, just my luck. It got me thinking though, maybe I should just go to sleep, I put down the spoon and went to the bathroom. I was taking a piss and thinking. It’s a really good thing I didn’t find that syringe. Maybe, just maybe, this was the start I needed. This will be my first day of sobriety. Tomorrow I will come clean to my brother. And I’ll go to rehab again. This time I’ll stay there. I made a promise to myself. Then and there.
“I will not do drugs again,” I yelled in frustration. A massive burden seemed to fall off my shoulders. I felt… sincere, I felt strong. When I went to wash my hands, I looked down the sink. A plastic hollow cylinder stared back at me to test my newfound resolve. A syringe. Shit. Okay I don’t… I don’t need it. I’m not going to use it. I ran to my room and went to bed. Okay I just stay here. I close my eyes and stay in bed. I’ll throw the syringe away tomorrow, right now I just stay in my bed.
After being in bed for about two hours, I realized something. Something I already knew, but didn’t ever want to acknowledge. Something that’s just my nature… I am weak. I’m at peace with this. Not everybody can be strong.
I went, as if in trance, to the bathroom, grabbed the syringe and back to the kitchen counter. For some reason I was surprised to see the spoon still laying in exactly the same place. Without hesitation I grabbed a lighter and reheated the poison. Filled the needle and injected my arm with shame. Stumbling to get a seat I realized I made a big mistake.
Fuck what was in there. I feel way more stoned than normal. I’m freaking out man. I need to get out of here, I need to run. But my legs stayed perfectly still. They won’t listen to me. Why won’t they listen? I closed my eyes and when I opened them I was laying on the ground. It’s cold. I’m cold. Still unable to move but somehow able to think. I thought of my brother. I thought of all the things he did for me and how difficult it must have been to keep having to worry about me. I’ve got a feeling I won’t bother him anymore. I closed my eyes again. The coldness of the floor enveloped me in its warm embrace.
”Bye Storge… I love you”