Zoe Ashton stared at the image on the screen in the office. She leaned closer, fully aware the occupant of another desk a few feet away was staring at her. Her response to the intrusion of privacy was to slowly raise her hand then give the occupant the finger and a little advice. “I don’t need your opinion thank you Tan.” Tan jumped up and stood behind her. “Well I don’t give a fuck about what you think, and if you think that hunk is going to hand his python to a two bagger like you…….well, sorry, didn’t mean to be that nasty. Anyway he’s nearly forty and that makes him fifteen years older than us. Ridiculous.”

“Was knocking five years off my life a compliment?”

“Nup, just a reflection on what he’ll think of you, a child, wet behind the ears. Besides he’s a billionaire, you’re a gold digger.”

“That’s what I thought. Look Tanami, you could actually try and give me some support. I’m likely to start interviewing him and go to pieces.”

“Ok Nellie, I’ll tell you exactly how to handle him. Kick it off with oh Michael everyone says you’re such a handsome intelligent man it makes it really hard to interview you. I’m just a woman and I’m so honestly nervous especially in the presence of you. He’ll be a typical male, puff up and talk his macho box off. You’ll get everything out of him and if he has any smarts he’ll take one look at a stunner like you and chuck his python in. Howzat!” She provided Zoe’s cheek with a slobbery cheek.

“Good. Imagine if you weren’t my friend. Ok your countryman’s about to call, could you talk to him first? You’re better at making up stories. Quick Jack’s on.” Tan sat down, waved at the screen and smiled. “Hello boss, wonderful to chat visually, you’re looking better, almost got rid of the usual puke look. What? Can’t hear you. Hang on, talk now.”

“Thank you Tan. Good to see you’re getting over your Luddite tendencies.”

“I know, amazing. That was the latest app I got, it auto mutes whenever it detects a wanker speaking. So why are you calling in the middle of the night in Sydney? Piles playing up? Sorry, my error, you get haemorrhoids.

“I’m in London for a couple of days. I’ve been talking to New York and I’ve some great news about a transfer.”

“Let me guess, bet you’ve been headhunted by Macca’s as a dunny cleaner, urinal division.”

“Close. I’ve been promoted. I’ll be running the US.”

“Based in New York I hope.”

“Close, but on the west coast, specifically not far from Santa Monica and your little bungalow. I should be able to find space downtown on the sixtieth floor for you two to be properly supervised. Is Zoe there?”

“She’s dry retching. You really need to think about not just dumping bad news on us. Gently does it.” Zoe slid her chair close to Tan. “Hello Jack, good to see you. Congratulations.”

“G’day Zoe, it’s always nicer to talk to an American, politeness is inherent.”

“How’s the new baby?”

“Perfect, it’s bringing out a maternal regrowth in me. I’m becoming a hopelessly devoted grandfather. My daughter’s landed a two year contract in Sacramento hence me choosing LA as the base rather than New York. At least I can see them on weekends. Back to biz, I’ve got you an appointment with Manhattan this Friday. He’s more than happy to meet and I told his bouncer he’ll be meeting one of our stars and if Tan wasn’t listening in I’d have said our number one.”

“I’m not listening wanker, I’m getting on with work,” said Tan.

“Good to know. You do know Zoe you’re the first interview he’s agreed to give since he announced his decision to try for the Senate. Or should I say his decision to consider trying which is pretty much the same thing these days.”

“Yeah well that doesn’t settle me down. I noted he’s issued quite a few media releases relating to the dozen charities he’s involved in. Apart from that, he’s a bit of a dark horse.”

“He sure is and you may be meeting the next President. The rumour mill has him a good bet to be running in next year’s primaries.”

“Oh wonderful,” said Tan, “another rich prick looking for a way to boost his billions. What gets me is how come a pretend leftie like him has agreed to talk to us when our Chairman thinks Genghis Khan was a bleeding heart liberal. Hey, did I just hear a bub crying? Show me!”

“Sorry, it’s the baby monitor, she’s in the guest unit.”

“What!” said Tan, “That’s a bloody long way from the house, you can’t babysit like that! Hopeless bastard you are.”

“It’s ok, her mother’s in the room next to her. I just like to keep an ear on her in case her mother doesn’t wake up. By the way I’m listening in from London Tan, you need to get those big ears to work. Ok, I’ve got to take a call, I’ll get back soon.”

“Great to hear from you Jack,” said Tan. “Love you, kisses, can’t wait to see you here next century, millennium whatever’s the later, cheerio.” He gave the thumbs up and disappeared. Tan leaned back and sighed. “I must listen to where he says he is, he must think I’m stupid sometimes. Or I should have said I really really was thinking about work so I didn’t listen but that’s a lie. Hey, we need to start working on why we can’t work in an office tower. I bags a germ phobia for me, you think of one for yourself, like claustrophobia so you can’t get in a lift. ”

“Is he serious?” said Zoe.

“Course not, he’d have to put up with me all day. Why do you think he had me mailed here. I used to give him the shits in Sydney. So he’s just being a smart arse.”

“I thought you wanted to be posted here?”

Tan smiled. “Why do you think I gave him the shits? Doorbell Zoe, off you go. Hang on nearly forgot, I can see who’s there. If I can get it to work.” The bell rang a further three times. Tan responded accordingly. “Shut up! I heard you.” A little boy at the front door popped up on the screen, his finger lingering over the bell. “Don’t you dare kid. What we need to install now is thirty two thousand volts that can zap pests. Let me sort him out with my forked tongue.” She went to the front door, the bell rang again as she opened it to a five year old with his arms folded. “My how wonderful, handsome Tommy Tucker has come to visit me and wow, you can fold your arms just like your mother does when she’s in a green mucous proboscis state with me. So what do I owe the pleasure to?”

“My soccer ball went over the fence.”

“Again, dear me, you are getting good, so strong. And Tommy, it’s a football, only ignorant American soccer moms call it soccer. Besides, it’s a girl’s game. Just kidding. Don’t remember that. Let’s go find it, probably went through the kitchen window again and smashed up my beautiful English willow plates made in China. Least it can’t kill the cat again.” They found the ball next to a decapitated pot plant. “There we are, let your mother know there’s no real damage this time so we won’t be threatening litigation.” They walked out the front and stood on the porch.

“Thank you. She says you two are Lesbros.”

“Does she indeed? Hey want to know a secret, you can’t tell your mother?” He nodded. “Here it is Tommy. Don’t tell her that the Lesbros think she is a….” She whispered in his ear and slapped him gently on the back. He took off fast, she went to the kitchen and took a bottle of red and two glasses to the office. “Off your arse Zoe, come and sit on the porch, you’ll be working overtime any minute now, bad precedent.”

“Hang on, I just had a look at that video you said was urgent. I had trouble working out how an English TV show clip could be important or relevant.”

“Try saying Rick Mayall from The Young Ones. Sounds more intelligent than an English TV show. I was trying to cheer you up, that’s all. ”

“Yeah right. You said you wet your pants. I don’t think it’s very funny. The Rick guy says he’s just sat on something horrible and disgusting. And when someone asked what did he sit on, he says my bottom.” Tan broke up and used Zoe’s shoulder to steady herself. “Oh fuck, every time I hear that I piss myself. Poor woman, maybe you should keep sticking to the Three Stooges. Come on.”

The pair relaxed on the porch enjoying the view of their minimalist drought proof water resistant Mediterranean garden and observing the large security camera directly across the street move towards them, a usual occurrence. “We could buy a gun and accidentally shoot it,” said Tan. “Or maybe the householder.”

“Good thinking,” said Zoe. “But maybe forget shooting Merv. I think the camera has a motion detector and moves automatically so no point in going for the flesh.”

“Do you think it has tit detection ability? Must have if your theory’s right because it seems to move between this house and the house with the big tits three down. It ignores titless cars and titless bikes. Christ Zoe, it’s not auto. Merv the perv waits for five o’clock and swings the camera around to us. Big tits obviously appeals to him more, she gets more attention. Enough of that shit, what do you know about Mr. President delectable Manhattan?”

“I know he has virtually no personal history on social media up until the last six months which is bizarre.” Tan pulled a face. “Crap Zoe, he’s ahead of his time, only an idiot today would splash their pixels for anyone to see and comment on. When I got hurt in a car accident back home my local tin pot rag put my face on page three along with a fag and a vodka bottle competing for my gob. It was just a showie I’d posted, not meant to go feral and be seen by oldies.”

“A showie?”

“Someone who wants to draw extreme attention to themselves and they can’t take a selfie because their hands are occupied. And don’t give me that look, I was in high school and bloody lucky the rag hadn’t gone digital. Anyway the worse bit was my parents recognized the back of a head obscuring my right tit and with his hand on my left tit. When my dad screamed at the editor for using it I got an apology under the same photo with my tit rubbed out this time. Prick.”

Zoe sipped on her red and sighed. “Your folks using the latest back of head recognition tech?”

“Yeah, their brains. There was only one kid in town with a shaved head and a tattoo of Jesus on the back. Jesus with horns. Three to be exact.”

“I imagine a clever girl like you would have claimed it was photo-shopped.”

“Really! My dumb parents would think that meant someone shoplifting being caught by a security camera. And guess what?”

“That’s what they thought when clever Tan tried it on.”

Tan shook her head. “Ok I did try that and lots more, and the crazy part is I was wearing a bra and his tongue and fingers didn’t really even touch my tits so what the fuck was the fuss about but the bit I forgot about was coaching my stupid three horned Jesus freak. He told dad I forced him, I think he feared for his life. My own father believed this little shit rather than his loving daughter. ”

“So your old man is smart after all.”

“Yeah.” Tan grinned and topped up the glasses. “We have a visitor from next door,” said Zoe. Standing behind the narrow low ornamental gate at the front of the property was a six and half foot gentleman bearing a baseball bat and a glare. The bat was dumped hard on top of the gate. “How dare you call my wife that word! How dare you say it to my son! What sort of people are you, sitting there….two smirking drunks!” He raised the bat and hit the gate with all the force he could muster, sending it flying to the side. Tan watched the gate fly sideways, calculated the angle and muttered foul. The gentleman pounded down the path and onto the porch, stopping at the edge of the table. Tan held out her glass. He took it, sipped, then drained it in two gulps. “Not bad, not bad.” He handed the glass back and whispered, “I would truly appreciate it Tan if you tried to give me a break. I am married to her. Afternoon Zoe.”

“Afternoon Bill. Thanks for fixing up the gate. It’s been driving me up the wall. Always gets stuck when I’m in a hurry. I could never work out why it’s there.”

“Excuse me,” said Tan, “your wife called us an item and your son conveyed such to me.”

“Aren’t you?” He smiled and took the glass Zoe had refilled. “And unless I’m mistaken why would that be anywhere near as offensive as what you responded with. Indeed suggesting you are in a loving relationship could be seen as a compliment.”

“Good point Tan,” said Zoe.

“Pigs arse,” said Tan, “it’s totally insulting, as if I couldn’t do a lot better than you, you ugly old bag.” Bill drained the glass and handed it back to Tan. “Thank you, nice balance of tannins. And perhaps you could refrain from insulting my son’s country and its use of the term soccer. It does show extreme ignorance on your part. You are clearly not a patriotic Aussie, or perhaps you simply thought you’d get way with talking nonsense to a five year old. Ok, must go back to my bride.” He walked to the fence, turned and loudly declared, “Last warning!” His wife backed out of their driveway and took off without acknowledging him. Once she had turned the corner he went back to the porch and sat down. “Sorry for being rude and taking off. Let me try and make up for it.” Zoe went inside to get a glass while Tan passed Zoe’s glass to him. “Your wife gave you a shitty look when she took off.”

“That’s natural. It’s what attracted me to her. On a tangent she asked me to have a word with you regarding your One World Language campaign.”

“What! She actually reads profound articles?”

“You do know she is a French teacher and your OWL crap threatens her job?”

“Well if she absorbed my advice she’d give up her job instantly. Hell, billions of hours and dollars are put into learning useless languages. If we just had one language we’d not only save money, we’d have fewer wars. How the fuck can people get on if they can’t understand each other? It’s obvious.”

“Agreed. Lincoln could never figure out those confederate accents. Look, she’s mainly pissed off as she wants Tommy to learn French and you did tell him French speakers are all wankers. You being Tommy’s hero doesn’t help.”

“Sorry. Anyway what’s the point of the poor kid starting to learn French? No one should force that useless crap on him while under age. When he grows up, say gets to fifty he can decide whether his mind is filled with trivia instead of Tolstoy, Toy Story and ilk.”

“You may be right oh wise brown owl. Which is what you told Tommy you were. His mother changed that. All I cottoned on to was she changed the brown to murde.”

“Ok, I’ll do damage control. And with regard to the C word I’m sorry for saying that to Tommy, truly sorry. I went off the rails. Mind you, he’s going to have to learn it sooner or later and coming from a crude moll it might put him off using it.” He jumped up, loudly exclaiming, “Murde!” and scarpered down the path as his wife’s car pulled into the drive. Zoe returned with a glass and wine bottle and watched him open the car door for her. “I wouldn’t mind a man like that. Obedient. Loyal. Not that you’d agree, would you?” Tan snorted. “What a pig. Threatens us, steals our wine, insults me and pisses off. Oh well, what else could I expect. All men are pricks.”

“And you are?”

“The obvious converse, just like his wife. A cunt. Hey do you think that the way I say the word can’t is almost identical to the way we both say the first bit of country? Like as in cunt tree. I do don’t I? Yeah, it’s pretty close anyway. The problem is how can I argue that someone took it out of context and thought I said cunt to their child when I really said can’t? Like you know, I can’t even think of any context I could use to argue my case.” Zoe glared at her causing her to pull a face. “Hell Tan, was that rant related to what Bill was on about? Oh no, how could you. To a child!”

“I know, I was awful. How about you just saying you can’t Tan. With my accent. I won’t mind. Go on, hop into me. You can’t Tan!”

“What good would that do? So what was that about the ignorant soccer insult?”

“I knew you’d ask. Our national football team is called the Socceroos.” Zoe laughed. “You’re at least right about the camera, it’s tracking big tits.” Zoe waved at the jogger, there was no reciprocation. “She can’t look sideways,” said Tan, “because if both her head and tits swing to the side at the same time she’ll come a cropper. So what’s going to be your approach to Manhattan? The boss will shit all over you if you stuff it up. Oh gord, sorry, you’re going into your stress generated catatonic mode. Let me pour the bottle down your gob please.”

Next Chapter: Chapter THREE