You know how sometimes the brain tells you things, even when you don’t realize what it’s doing? I’ve found out lately that I’d been missing a lot even though my brain was practically screaming at me. Here, let me explain.

It all began with my character- Ivy. She was me, and I her. What I felt, Ivy felt. I used her to express how I was feeling- alone, distant from people. She was an escape for me. It helped me feel better; I felt like I was doing something productive. I mean, it was fanfiction and therefore could never be published, but it helped me, and that’s all that mattered. Things I went through, Ivy went through. Then things got complicated.

In 8th grade, I created the character known as Matthew. He was Ivy’s boyfriend- and besides that, I didn’t say much else about him. I wrote pieces with him in it, using my dreams (where I was Ivy) as inspiration. I dunno, I guess I was lonely. He was the stereotypical “boyfriend” character- loving, always there for her, kind, willing to drop everything to make her happy, etc.

It was at the end of freshman year that I began dating my now ex-boyfriend, Keith. Of course, since Ivy is just an extension of myself, I wrote about how Ivy had met a boy, and had begun dating him- Keith.The issue was- what about Matthew? At that point, I’d just written him out. It wasn’t until sophomore year that things drastically changed.

I’d already written that Matthew had died, but it was sophomore and junior year that the “reason” emerged. In actuality, I’d just, you know, gotten rid of him so Ivy could date Keith. But as I grew older, now Ivy explained why- Matthew has tried to rape her. It just came to me one day, and I wrote it in. Ivy was terrified of him- his ghost would appear and she’d freeze up in fear. She’d think back on the time they’d been dating and regret everything. He’d manipulated her. He claimed he’d love her forever, they’d planned a future together, and yet she was afraid of him, afraid of upsetting him, would do anything to please him. Even if it made her feet uncomfortable, she was afraid of making him angry that she’d do it anyways. The only line she drew was sex. She didn’t want to have sex, even though he said that she’d feel differently after they “did it.”

At the time, I didn’t understand where this all came from. But now I do. I- like Ivy- was naive. I didn’t see that something I thought I loved could be so extremely toxic. Keith is exactly as I wrote Matthew. The only difference is that Ivy fought back against Matthew and ended up accidentally killing him in self-defense, while Keith broke up with me (depends who asks, the reason changes). The reason doesn’t really matter, though; I’m glad he broke up with me. If he hadn’t, I’d still be crying myself to sleep, wondering what I could do to make Keith not be angry, doing things I didn’t want to, planing on having sex before school got out in June. Seriously. At least Keith saved me from that awkward moment where I’d have to tell him that I didn’t want to have sex- then deal with him getting angry. He’d say I’d lead him on, yelling, saying I was nervous and I should just do it and I’d be fine with it after. That would’ve been the final insult. I’d hate myself if I’d let that happen.

I guess it all makes sense, really. My brain was trying to tell me that I needed to get out of that relationship, but my heart had so foolishly convinced me that I was in love. I was afraid and anxious all the time. I cried myself to sleep more often than not, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t trust him; I didn’t trust him. It was awful. The worst thing of all was that I didn’t even see it. All my friends did, they warned me, told me to get out of there to heal the wounds he was giving me, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought we were in love, I thought that he was helping me.

That’s why I wanted to write this. I don’t want people to feel the way I felt. My brain was shouting at me to learn, but I refused. I thought that my friends were wrong- that I knew better than them. Now I can finally see it all clearly, and I feel so much better.

Since Keith and I broke up, I’ve felt a whole lot better. I feel free. Happy. I haven’t felt this way since before my anxiety and depression manifested sophomore year. I’m laughing and smiling so much that my face hurts. I’m hanging out with my friends more times in the past month than I did in the past year. And it feels AMAZING!

• Emily Keevan

Next Chapter: "Weird"