8/20/16

I’m going to college soon. 6 days, to be exact (since its 12:24 am currently, I count today as well). I should probably be worried. But... I’m not.

Things have been a lot easier the last couple months. I’ve learned a lot. About myself, as well as about people who are my friends, used to be my friends, or I thought were my friends. Like, for instance, my ex-boyfriend was an emotionally abusive boyfriend. He wanted sex from me, and I thank God that I never did it with him. I hate that I agreed to do things with him, to let him touch me. Ugh, for me to touch him. But... that’s the past. Sure, it affects me to this day, because Keith still plagues my nightmares. He is my worst fear. Which sounds awful, but he has terrified me beyond my ability to be able to fight these images in my head. But I’m learning to get past that, and leave the past in the past.

*insert marker dying, forcing me to get a new pen*

As I was saying... The past.

Damn, I’ve changed a lot in the last eight and a half months. But don’t worry, it’s all for the better. I love who I’ve become. I mean, I wish my ex hadn’t influenced me as much as he had; though what did I really expect? We were together for 2.5 years, and emotionally abused and controlled for at least the last year of it. He convinced me to do A LOT of stuff that I didn’t want to do- but "you just feel awkward, it’ll be okay once we do it" and not wanting to disappoint/ upset him made it impossible to say no. And I did NOT want to upset him. The few times I saw him off his meds (they were for his ADHD), I was terrified. One time he tried to force me to give him a hand job (don’t get me wrong, I’d done it before, I just wasn’t feeling it at that time... though I never really did, and just wanted to make him happy... Penises are weird. Scratch that ->;;;;;;;;; naked bodies are weird, regardless of gender. Anyways...), and I said no but he grabbed my wrist to try and make me. I pulled away and backhanded him across the face while doing so.He seemed to snap out of it (whatever it was) and we both looked at each other in shock for a few moments before I started to cry. Then HE started to cry, and I felt even worse, and I tried to comfort him as he apologized over and over. The more he apologized, the worse I felt and the more I began to think it was my fault- not his.

And you know what? That’s one of the most VIVID recollections I have about him. I don’t really remember much good to be honest.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some things I miss (in general in regards to relationships, not with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend *shudder*).

Like:

• holding hands
  
• sitting next to each other close
• leaning my head on his shoulder with his arm around me
• cuddling/ snuggling in general (I’m a cuddler, though that’s not well known because for the most part I really hate contact- my cuddling is person-specific)
• the shared inside jokes and shared secrets confided in one another
• lying (or is it laying? I can never remember) together with my head on his chest, so I can hear his heart beat
• hanging out and having fun together; laughing and talking
• texting/ getting surprise texts/ maintaining conversations together
• sending pictures to one another (sorta like snapchat lol)
• knowing he likes/ loves me

And hey, just because I have a list with ten bullet points there, doesn’t mean I don’t love my relationship with Kieran (A.N. He’s my current boyfriend). I LOVE my relationship with him. He makes/ helps me feel so much better- especially about myself. He’s so smart and funny and damn I love to see him and hang out with him, it’s just... it feels awkward. He’s kinda like me, he keeps how he feels inside. It doesn’t really help me though.

I’m always second guessing myself and everything I do. I’m just so afraid of pushing him away. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Does he like me the same way I like him? He doesn’t necessarily show it. Or maybe he does, and I’m too blind to know it. I dunno.

I’m not going to think about that anymore; I don’t want to make myself anxious (or rather, more anxious than I am already while writing this down). Here, I can tell of my favorite memory with Kieran. It was when we went on our double date with Quinn and Vinny; to the Natick Mall. (A.N. Quinn also is a writer in the book) I just... had so much fun, especially at Game Underground. I remember at one point, I believe while Quinn was playing the rhythm game, Kieran wrapped his arms around me. I have absolutely NO IDEA what possessed him to do that, but I LOVED that he did. I folded my arms up to cover his, so he wouldn’t let go. I just felt so safe and happy in that moment, in his arms Later, Kieran was buying MTG cards, and I had a few extra dollars so I just handed the bills to him and he was just so excited that I was giving him money so he could get a few more cards. If I remember correctly, he explained "She’s buying me Magic cards!" to the guy behind the counter.

Also on this same double date, there was a time when Kieran was afraid that he wasn’t paying enough attention to me, and he asked if it was okay that he was looking through all the MTG cards. Of course I didn’t mind (I think I might’ve chuckled at the thought), and I loved seeing him so happy. Then, as we were leaving, he and i were walking and holding hands. That’s right y’all, holding hands. For those of you that know us, this is big news. Anyways, as we are walking along, heading to Vinny’s car so he can drive us all home at- I think it was close to midnight, but might’ve been more like 11:30. I’m not very good at keeping track of time. ANYWAYS, then Kieran started talking about the architecture of the building. This might not seem all that romantic, but the thing is, I love architecture, and he knew this. It just made me really happy.

So, Vinny was driving us home, and Kieran and I were sitting in the back of his car, next to each other (also a big thing, but that’s not even the best part), and I was tired, and without thinking I leaned my head on his shoulder. But then- wait for it- wait for it- I know, I’m an a-hole deal with it- he leaned his head on mine

Another memory I enjoy with him is when he invited me over to his house. It wasn’t the first time I was over his house, nor will it be the last (hopefully). Maybe after his parents read this, that might change. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but listen here, haven’t you been paying attention? Sigh. Let me explain. Kieran’s parents were on vacation, leaving Kieran and his brother Jack (who is two years younger than Kieran and I) home alone. Why is it a sorta-kinda big deal I went to his house?

See, the rule that his parents have is that he and I can’t be alone in either of our houses. Which is most definitely reasonable enough. With today’s society, it’s no wonder why that type of rule is in place. However, the official rule is just that he and I can’t be alone, cuz reasons (basically all that Keith stuff I’m desperately wishing I didn’t get involved with, and then some), and, ya know, Jack was there. Like, in the room with us. We watched anime. Plus Kieran played MTG on his computer. It was a fun time. So, you see, we weren’t alone. IDK, I just love that, cuz I mean, he took the risk of getting in trouble just so he could see me. Especially since we are both going to college (albeit not that far, so we still could/ can see each other) and don’t know when we will have time to see each other, it meant a lot. I dunno, it just made me happy.

End of Part One

Emily

10/19/16

Author’s Notes about the Above Passage

Alright, here goes. A few days ago, Kieran and I broke up. Unlike my break up with Keith, it went amicably, and we had both decided it was for the best. Kieran came over in person to talk to me, and we figured it would be better if we were just friends. To be entirely honest, I had already been considering breaking up with Kieran, and we mutually came to the conclusion that it would be best if we did, but remain friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was still angry and unset, but I knew logically that it made sense, and I can accept that. It’ll take some getting used to, but I’m adapting, slowly. It’s a process, but I’m willing to learn.

I don’t regret any part of my relationship with Kieran, and I’m really glad that we can still be friends. He helped me break out of my shell, and helped me be who I wanted to be as a person. I still have a long way to go, but had it not been for Kieran, I never would have made it this far. I can’t express my gratitude enough.

That being said, I don’t mind being single. I’m actually glad. I hate it; I hate not having someone to talk to, or cuddle, or laugh with. Sure, I have friends, but it’s not really the same. And I got to thinking about why that was so important to me. That was when I realized that the issue I kept facing with my reoccurring depression stemmed from an issue I was creating for myself. Let me try to explain.
When I get into relationships- both friendships and romantic relationships- I try to do everything I can to get them to like me. Of course, if they don’t show that they do 100%, doubts start to creep in. Maybe they don’t like me, and I’m just going to get hurt again. Maybe they’re just using me. Once these doubts start, its hard to keep them away. Once this doubt starts, paranoia sets in, and everything gets worse. If they still don’t show they care, or at least demonstrate it openly, then I tumble down into a deep depression where I don’t/ can’t acknowledge that they care. And once I’m depressed, things normally start to get worse.

So yeah, being single sucks, and I hate it, but I think it’s good for me. I’ve been in relationships since freshman year of high school, minus that 2 months between Keith and Kieran. I haven’t been able to learn how to fight the monsters in my head that tell me that I will always be alone. And yeah, I can have friends, and relationships, but at the end of the day, I’m still alone, by myself in the dark, with the monsters. And they don’t go away. Ever. Sometimes I can ignore them, but not always. When I have these relationships to cling to, I can try to hide my demons, I can absorb all my energy into imaging these relationships and creating scenarios in my head. But when they don’t pan out the way I want them to in real life, my demons use it to mock me. But maybe now I can figure out a way to fight them, rather than just trying to push them into the corner and forget about them.

And that’s my goal. I can figure out who I am, and who I want to be. Instead of relying on my relationships with other people to try and help me feel better, I can figure out how to make myself feel better.

If I can do that, I can do anything.

Next Chapter: This is the Most Accurate Thing I’ve Ever Done