I had dreams of Daniel all night; I know this because I would wake up and catch myself smiling but then it would quickly fade when I realized I was alone. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, pull him close to me and kiss his bare shoulders. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin touching mine; his heartbeat pounding hard in his chest. I wanted him, all of him; here with me.

Morning came slowly, although I’m not complaining. My sweet dreams of Daniel made it well worth the wait. I could still see those steely blue eyes as I opened mine and smiled. I have always loved those eyes. There was something about them that had a hold on me and I never quite understood what it was until recently. There was a kindness in them, which was a characteristic that I was unfamiliar with in a man. He had tried to love me and had loved me even after I pushed him aside. I have not yet forgiven myself for that.

Daniel’s eyes were also much like a reflection of my own eyes. Two ocean blue pools that glistened in the suns light. Though the color was really the only similarity they shared. His eyes lacked the sadness that was clearly visible in mine and instead held a sense a freedom, of joy and love. You can almost see laughter in them and a sort of childlike wonder and curiosity. If it had not been for him those emotions would be a complete mystery to me but I felt them when I was with him, I felt everything.

I stretched and yawned, still sprawled out on the twin size bed in my old bedroom. I looked around at the girly pink everything room. Nothing had changed, everything was exactly how I had left it. I got up and walked over to the mirror where I had taped up a collage of photos of Daniel and me from our senior year. I touched one of them lightly and the memory of that day appeared in my mind.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining down on us as we lay on one of my mom’s old checkered tablecloths out on the lawn. I was sick that day so Daniel rode his bike over at lunchtime with a prepared picnic that he had been carrying around in his backpack since that morning. He was always so thoughtful and kind to me. I didn’t deserve his kindness but I welcomed it anyway. I didn’t have any friends outside of him but I didn’t really mind. I loved his company and there was a time I would have spent forever in it.

But sometime after university something happened, something changed. I can’t explain what it was, but I was different. All of sudden everything felt so wrong. Living with Daniel, our flat, my internship at the radio station after obtaining my media studies degree; it all felt wrong. I cried myself to sleep most nights wondering why I so unhappy. I had a man who loved me, I had a good job, and I had my mother who had always tried her best to support me; I had everything that I could have wanted and yet the only thing I wanted to do was throw it all away. For what, you ask? A moment of solitude; some peace perhaps.

It was never meant to turn into four years of running away from everything until I had nothing left anymore. I threw my life away, I threw Daniel away and I had thrown myself away. All I ever wanted as a child was to be happy, to have a normal life with a normal father who didn’t hit me on a daily basis. I prayed for it every single day; but then when I finally got it, when I had finally found an ounce of happiness it felt as if I didn’t deserve it and so I left it behind along with everything and everyone who had ever cared for me.

I regret my decisions looking back; all those years I’ve wasted running when it turns out that confronting my past was so much easier than I had expected. I made things much more complicated than they had to be. I always tend to do that it seems; taking the longest roads, traveling the narrowest corridors lined with obstacle courses and booby traps; just waiting for me to take a wrong turn or veer ever so slightly off course.

I feel I have wasted enough time worrying about the things that might have been but never were. How did I let myself stray so far? How could I have given up on the one person who brought so much happiness into my life? How could I have given up on Daniel after he had done so much for me? I wasn’t about to let that happen again. This past week had opened up my eyes to what life could really be like if I just let myself put my trust in someone else; and given my history of poor choices maybe it would do me some good to get a different perspective.

I quickly dressed and ran downstairs half nodding to my parents as I dashed for the front door. My mother almost lost her mouthful of fresh hot coffee trying to catch before I could open the door to leave.

“Deana, where are you rushing off to at this hour? You’re usually not even awake at this hour and typically never leave the house before having your morning coffee. Is everything alright?” My mother asked concerned.

Now that I think about it, she was right to be concerned I suppose. I normally sleep in until noon and I never go anywhere without the help of my "morning coffee" and I say that in quotations because I am never downstairs early enough to have an actual morning coffee. But today was different. It was the day I had decided to be with Daniel. I have not been able to stop thinking about him the last couple of days and I wanted nothing more right now than to tell how much I wanted him; how much I loved him.

“I’m going to see Daniel, I explained, I have to tell him how I feel.”

“Who is Daniel? A new friend of yours?” My mother asked.

“What do you mean who is Daniel. I know it has been awhile since you saw him last but you have met him many times. He dropped me off here just the other day.” I said with a confused expression. My mother in return looked confused but decided to brush it aside thinking that maybe it was possible that she just didn’t remember.

She stepped aside and I was able to leave assuring my parents that I would be back later this afternoon.

I met Daniel in the driveway. He was already there waiting for me; I had called him and told him that I something I wanted to tell him before I went downstairs. I climbed into the passenger seat of his car and looked at me expectantly.

“Well?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

“No not here, let’s go to your apartment; Somewhere where it might be more private.” I replied.

He gave me an intrigued glance but agreed. I was nervous, I’ll admit it. But if I don’t do it now I will just end up talking myself out of it and let him slip through my fingertips again. There is no way I was going to let that happen this time; no way.

Next Chapter: Chapter four: Bliss