Five
I hate lying in this bed alone. She is in the next room, but she won’t share my bed. Haven’t I given her everything? I always have, haven’t I? At least I’ve tried. She never has to ask for anything. I know her so well. Who sticks by her, no matter what she does. All the secrets I have kept with and for her.
How angry would she be if she knew? Would she leave me if she knew I let them live? Why does she trust me to with the option? Why does she want them dead when I can see the pleasure she gets from them? More pleasure with strange women than with me no doubt.
Why have we never made love without another woman involved? Is she not interested in me or is it the thrill? How can I talk to her about it when she is the least talkative woman I have ever met? The only time I see any emotions is when we have someone downstairs.
I wonder if we conceive would things change. Do I even want a baby? I’m only twenty-nine. Has she even mentioned children in all the years I have known her?
Who am I kidding, she doesn’t mention anything. One-sided conversations, me talking and no one listening, kind of like now. The story of my life.
She has to love me or she wouldn’t have married me. Not that we consummated our vowels immediately. I know she loves me. Why do I crave her the way I do? How can one person drive me to all these sleepless nights, yet sleep so soundly knowing I’m not beside her?
I want her to want me as she does all of those girls we take together. To touch me with that much need in her eyes. That passion she holds only for them
The way she gets. It’s like she is in a trance. Although watching her with those girls, the way her body longs for me to touch it. The way my body takes flight, hiding behind the jealousy.
All the anger melts away when I get to touch her body. It’s just me and her. I grab her hips as I thrust inside her, making her want me. Her soft warm flesh pressed against mine. The tight little moans she releases as I love her.
How her hair rubs the back of my hands as I grip her shoulders slide inside her. The wetness I feel as I make that final thrust and fall against her back while she supports both our weight.
Shit, another mess.