Self-Discovery (mid-way through the chapter)

Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not?

Beyond understanding if you have forgiven yourself for past failures, this question is meant to clarify your perspective of what failure is. Was something a failure because it didn’t play out the way you wanted or because something very bad happened? The question is also meant to enable you to define what forgiveness is. In movies, forgiveness is a topic that is highlighted a lot. A person who has committed some terrible deed, either by accident or on purpose must come to forgive themselves. Throughout the entire film, they go through experiences that deepen their understanding of the event. Finally, at the end of the movie, there is an "aha moment." The lights go down and there is a sense of tranquility as you see the character forgive themselves. What that moment really is, is understanding. The character understands their inability to change the past and acknowledges that all they have is right now to make changes that will affect their future. Forgiveness is rooted in understanding, so what is it that you may not have forgiven yourself for yet? What else do you need to understand to begin that process and move ahead in life?

What is one dream of yours that you’ve temporarily pushed aside in pursuing? Why?

There was once a young man on a spiritual journey trekking across a vast landscape towards a mountain. Upon reaching the base of the mountain, he would meet a yogi who would question the insights of his travels. Two weeks into his voyage, as he walked through a village, he finally saw the formation of the mountain off in the distance. He observed an old woman crouched down in her garden and asked her how long it would be until he reached the mountain. The woman continued tending to her garden and did not respond. He asked again, "how long until I reach the mountain?" She said nothing and continued to garden without acknowledging his presence. Frustrated, the man began to walk off. As he walked, the woman stood up and said, "two days, it will take you two days to reach the mountain." He turned around and asked why she didn’t tell him that when he asked. She responded, "You asked the question while you were standing. I had to see how fast your pace was, how determined your walk."

If you could choose your own life obstacles, would you keep the ones you have? Which ones would you keep?

This question gives you complete control of the challenges you face. It allows you to take a deep look at which obstacles have been more rewarding versus those which have been complete struggles. By asking this question, you acknowledge that there is a such thing as good problems. That there are obstacles you can learn from. This understanding is extremely important because if we think deeply, we see that all of our problems do hold some type of value. The question encourages you to think about what you may have learned from certain obstacles; that without them, perhaps you wouldn’t be the same person. It essentially transforms your problems into opportunities and asks which lessons have been more or less rewarding. It makes you question who you are. Have some of your obstacles and their experiences been responsible for a key part of your character or personality? What in your adversity has been a good thing? What in it has been a truly unfavorable thing? This questions encourages you to consider if the grass really is greener on the other side. What would life be like if you could choose to have no problems? Would you still be the same person? Are your problems more valuable than you give them credit for being? This question is about showing people that their challenges are important to who they are. Whatever they may be, they yield positive benefits if we can only see through the temporary discomfort. With hindsight bias we tend to view problems as good experiences. Maybe we can shorten that process when experiencing challenges and understand that one day, we will look back at our problems and realize they were not as bad as we originally perceived them to be

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

This question essentially asks about your freedom. What are you holding back because of other people’s perceptions of you? Are you living your life or into someone else’s expectations? Is it worth it? Who are you trying to please? Maybe you are trying to please your parents and become the doctor, lawyer, architect, or painter they were. Maybe you are trying to please your family by having a "better" career than your sister or brother. You may even be trying to please your college professor or best friend or family legacy. Why? Really, what are the reasons for doing so and do they make sense? We typically find ourselves trying to please others and in some sense, afraid to do what we want to even if we know it will make us happy or fulfilled or even just less stressed. Things like dance around the office because the culture is too rigid, smile at everyone you see, or even cut off talking to people for the first few hours of the day so you can focus. It all deprives us of doing what we want and what we sort of know we should be doing. If you’re going to spend your life trying to please other people, you might as well change your name because you aren’t you. You are living someone else’s life. The world needs you; we already have that someone else. As Will Smith otherwise known as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air said to Ashley:

Will: Just because your dad likes something, doesn’t mean you have to like it. He likes being a lawyer. You don’t have to be a lawyer.

Ashley: I am going to be a lawyer.

Will: Ash, the world does not need another Philip Banks. In fact, we might not have enough farmland to support the one we have. No, the world needs an Ashley Banks.

What guilty pleasures do you enjoy too much to give up? Why?

"I don’t know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

• Bill Cosby

Do you find pleasure in something that you hide away from your friends or family because they will find you weird, awkward, or different? Why? The truth is that they probably hide something they find pleasurable away from you too. And if they don’t, they might be holding back on doing something they want because it would appear socially unacceptable. You don’t have to be afraid of what you find happiness in. That doesn’t mean that you have to tell the entire world either. It just means that one place that you should feel comfortable is in your own skin doing the things you find enjoyment in. In one of my past business courses, the professor told the class, "the nicher, the richer." What he was getting at was that the more niche focused, or specifically focused a product is, the better. This was because it was tailored to a specific audience instead of everyone in the world and because of that, you could essentially command a higher price. While that example was used in business, it has application here as well. You are not the only one who indulges in whatever you find pleasure in. You should feel comfortable in your guilty pleasures, whether you want to keep them to yourself because the fact that they are yours means something, or you want to share them for other people to know or potentially engage in themselves. An additional benefit of this question is that it considers our relative levels of exposure. What guilty pleasures of yours are guilty because they might be considered slightly taboo? Eating snails is weird to some people, but if you travel to France, you will find that escargot is a delicacy. At one point in history, sex was widely viewed as a purely sacred act, only to be shared between married couples. For the most part, people who had sex out of wedlock felt guilty and wrong and could be socially ostracized. Where are we now- in a society where the view largely held is that sex can also be a recreational act. It is no longer something that people find as much guilt in as before. By whose standards do you find your pleasures guilty? Maybe you just need a little more exposure to what is ‘out there.’ What are you holding back that is unique to you? Do you stop yourself from enjoying your guilty pleasures because you find them weird? Why do you find them weird- is it because of how others will view you? Whose expectations are you living into? Could your guilty pleasures, if you didn’t hold them back lead to something potentially liberating? Where we should be concerned about our guilty pleasures is if they create health concerns. For instance, if you eat a piece of chocolate every time you hear your name said out in public. That’s very dangerous if your name is Karen and a "My Name is Karen" convention happens to be taking place in your city. In all, this question seeks to identify exactly why some of the things you enjoy are guilty and if they really should be.

What is the most insightful thing you have learned about yourself this past year?

This question has multiple implications:

It creates an opportunity to identify what aspects if yourself need further development. Maybe you have learned that you have trouble with completing things. You’ve never been able to finish projects that you start; building models, reading books, creating plans, etc. That is valuable information that you can use to correct that problem. If that is what you’ve learned about yourself, then you can now assess that area of your life and improve it.

(We’ll stop there for now...)