So many times, in my life I have wondered what it would feel like if the wrong one lived. When I was bullied by the one that lived, fat shamed, told I was, “book smart, with no common sense”, was made to feel small for loving to learn and shamed for every achievement if ever had behind closed doors because it cost them money and time, and effort to acknowledge. While, publicly accepting the praise for having the smart, varsity athlete child, who was so pretty and so accomplished. They never gave me credit for anything good I have done unless someone else was watching to see how good of a parent they were.

When I wanted to start embracing my love for music that was instilled by you. The wrong one was here to roll their eyes at my request to play the instruments I wanted to play and made me play something they wanted instead. Every time I endlessly practiced a song to make sure I could hit the notes and sing on key that was met with unkind remarks about how much I was annoying them.  When I earned a part in my first musical theater performance, the wrong one skipped my performance and left flowers with the ushers to give to me after the show. When I wanted to go to my first live performances, they refused to let me use their credit card to reserve the tickets even though I had cash to give them to cover the cost. Every show I went to since I have sent pictures of my ticket stubs to the wrong one to show that I don’t need their permission to embrace my love of music that you gave me.

When I went to make the guest list for my grade school graduation from college and knew the wrong one could careless about it and shamed me several times along the way for becoming a college educated idiot. When all of you loved ones told me how proud you would have been to see me choose the career path I did and how much I honor your memory by doing so.

When I got married and dreaded the idea of having to invite them to my wedding because I couldn’t invite the rest of my family without inviting them. When I decided not to be walked down the aisle because you could not be the one who walked with me. When I had to look out into the seats at my ceremony and be disappointed that the wrong one was there watching me. When we didn’t even have a first dance at the wedding because I couldn’t stand not getting to dance with you too.

In every moment that I have relieved the trauma and neglect that was my childhood. And all the time I had to fight to not want to be with you instead of her with the wrong one. I wished countless times to live in another world where I got to have you still you. I live everyday without you and long for that to be my reality.

Despite your not being here, I became a person I think you would be proud of. I lived with the example you set as my road map of how to love, how to be kind and how to embrace adventure. I miss you so much and I will forever wish to have lived a long and happy life where the right one had lived.