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Chapter 7.2: The Discovery of Self

At the end of the day, the most important part on our journey of self-discovery to finding our life purpose is to first understand what it is that we stand for, to get clear on what we believe in, on what makes us…well…us! The best way to get clear on what it is that makes us is to find something that we truly believe in, is to get crystal clear on what it is that we value.

If you’ve been beaten down and gone through life trying to please everyone but yourself, working to play it safe and secure and keeping that “settle” mentality, then there’s a very good chance that what you deeply value will be much different than the road you’re currently on. If you’re living out of alignment with your values, you’re living someone else’s, and if you’re living someone else’s life, you are not living your own. It’s rare that anyone knows their own set of core values, but perhaps you already know yours and, if you do, we want to make absolutely certain that these values are in fact your own and have not been conditioned upon you at some point in your life. 

Over recent years, it has become increasingly difficult to be fully with our own minds. Never mind trying to weed out the distraction of others’ opinions of what we should and shouldn’t be, but technological distractions have approached enormous levels as well. It has become much easier today to be mentally anywhere other than where we are in the moment. We are more connected on a physical level than we ever have been in history, but because of this, we are more emotionally disconnected with ourselves than ever before. As a consequence, we perpetually struggle to find meaning in our lives and what we stand for. We can’t be fully with what our heart is trying to tell us, because in the back of our minds, we are waiting for a beep from our phone, constantly immersed in the petty distractions that surround us. We are actively sacrificing a rich life in the name of interferences that essentially zombify us. We are becoming less mindful and more and more mindless. We must make it a practice and a habit to liberate ourselves from these technological distractions, and become strong enough to take control of our mind, so that we may listen more clearly to what our heart is calling us to do. 

The idea here is to think without the expectations of what anyone else has given to you. Even thinking this way can sometimes be difficult, as we’re constantly surrounded by distractions, extrinsic pressures, and ideas that are not our own. I thought I had my values dialed in for a couple years, but it wasn’t until I started spending more time with my own thoughts in Australia that I really was able to clearly see what it was that I valued. I started hiking on my own and meditating more frequently so I could more clearly see who I was authentically. Much of the rest of the practices presented here will be best done in this manner, by quieting your mind and thinking for yourself. It is important that your thoughts and ideas are your own and to be sure that when you approach these practices, you make time for you. 

If you read about or talk with any extraordinary person who has ever lived, you will begin to find that there are common themes and values that are recurring across most of them. Usually, some of these values are a blend of wisdom, courage, love, spirituality, and many more along these lines. If you haven’t yet gotten a bit of clarity on what’s important to you, take your time, close this book, find some time in an inspiring place. Turn off your distractions and spend some time thinking about it. 

In Western society, we are conditioned from an early age to place most of our value on money. We are of course taught that money is “the root of all evil,” which it hardly is, yet we pursue it relentlessly at all costs, even sacrificing our happiness and health to get it. We are constantly seeking to accumulate more wealth, in a never-ending quest to get that raise so we can buy an even bigger yacht than the one we already have. We are wildly proficient at placing this practically religious importance on money. We know “money can’t buy happiness,” at least we tell ourselves that, yet we’re surprised to look at our seven figure bank statement and see that the happiness bonus check didn’t come with it. Money may not be the root of all evil, but seeking a life of nothing more than monetary wealth is in fact the root of stagnation and ultimately emotional demise. When we sacrifice our spirit for a paycheck, we cannot ever expect anything more out of life. 

Are you living in a way that positions money as your top priority and value? This is a normal attitude, but how does life look ten years from now if you continue to live with money as your top value? Making money is great, don’t get this idea twisted, but is what it takes to make the money enriching and truly rewarding to you, or are you settling into something and biding your time until you can retire, working at a place you hate as a means to an end? Are you enjoying the part of your life that you spend making money, or is it something you feel like you have to do so you can make enough income to pay the bills and have a little left over to let loose a bit on the weekends? If you’re placing money as your top value, you are in for a rude awakening, as money in fact has no intrinsic value upon it. Money is not a value in itself. Money is a part of my own life and it’s nice to have money, of course it is, but money can never come before your core values, otherwise you ensure a life of boredom, pain, and regret. 

For example, passion is one of my core values, so if I had enough money to buy a house in every country and a swimming pool to go with it and then enough still for my great grandchildren to live lavishly on but didn’t have passion in my life, I would rather die. And I would rather die in this case because I understand that what lights my heart up has more value to me than money does. What lights you up in your life has more value than money, whether you know what that value is yet or not. If I couldn’t live with adventure and in alignment with my other core values, I might as well be dead, because that’s exactly how I would feel. 

The big question here is if you are working closely with what you care deeply about or are you sacrificing that for a paycheck? Even if that paycheck comes with seven digits attached to it and a massive Christmas bonus, is it really worth it? Are you creating something truly meaningful to you and the world or are you just passing away your time here until things can maybe one day become a little easier for you? Are you on a journey through life doing something great that will not only lift you up but that will put a dent in the world, or are you surrendering your core values to support the values of some giant company with values that aren’t even your own? Remember always, if you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. 

Within every single one of us lies a boundless space of wisdom, and this inherent wisdom that we possess is best accessed through silence and quieting your distractions so that you may openly listen. You know more than you think you do, it’s just a matter of learning how to listen to you and turn away everything else. You have an inherent wisdom, now we must spark and unleash that wisdom within. A simple seed grows into a mighty tree by growth from within, not from a collection of elements extrinsic of itself. Your very calling is within you, to be grown into a mighty tree from that seed that you already hold. It should be watered and nourished from the surrounding ecology daily, but not born that way. 

Our thinking becomes most articulated and expressed when we are centered and fully present in the moment. The most straightforward way to connect with our heart and let our inner wisdom guide us is through silence.  I particularly use meditation as it has had a dramatically positive impact on my life, my well-being, my business, and my relationships, but you can use any form of silence. I cultivated this type of uninterrupted silence by taking walks to nowhere in particular, surfing and going on long hikes. You can call it just sitting, mindfulness, meditation or prayer, whatever works best for you. The intent of this type of mental stillness is to give us a moment to silence ourselves, turn off the distractions, regroup, and to listen. When you begin to quiet your mind, your heart will begin to whisper. 

Start by quietly observing your thoughts, your emotions and feelings. Suspend your judgement, put your preconceived ideas and beliefs on hold and just silently watch your thoughts. This already is an incredible breakthrough as we are so used to being surrounded by everyone else’s interpretations of what the world is and what you should be. Simply quiet your mind and listen for who you are if you can. Listen not for typical survival pleasures like sex, money, possession, and power; listen for something higher, listen for who you really are. Consider that we are happiest and most at purpose when we are living in a way that is natural to us, that is to say, living in alignment with our authentic selves. To live authentically with who you are, not what culture expects of you, also means that absolutely no effort is required. Listen to your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answers. Learn to trust what your heart is saying; it is your heart after all. Self-discovery necessitates soul searching and reflection. Nobody is going to define your calling for you, this is your journey.

Once you have a basic understanding, no matter how vague it may be, or even an idea of what makes you come alive, let’s get a little clearer in a very practical way. Spend some time—I usually say between ten and fifteen minutes—writing whatever inspiring words you can think of. These don’t have to be any type of words in particular, just make them words; whatever it is you can think of that lifts your spirit up, write it down. They can be people, places, actions, things, they can be phrases or hobbies, or they can be books or movies you love. The point is these words can be anything you desire as long as they make you feel connected to them in some way. Take some time getting into an inspired and positive mental state and just let your heart and soul bleed onto the paper. Allow your inhibitions to go and let it flow. The major goal and important part of this practice is to bring up that childlike mentality and just let the words come out of you, no judgments and no barriers, only freedom and genuine expression. Simply letting your mind wander and allowing your heart to express itself without borders can often times reveal ideas about us that we’ve been long conditioned to forget.

Now, look at what you’ve written down on your paper. Which of these words hit you as the most meaningful to your heart? Circle fifteen words that most make you feel something inspiring, that maybe put a smile on your face or resonate with you the deepest. Say these words out loud to yourself—how does it feel? Saying these words should make you feel better than the other words you have listed. As of now, we will consider these fifteen words some of your values. You don’t have to stay with these forever, but this is what you’ll move forward with for now. We’re not quite done yet, though, we haven’t yet discovered your core values, the things that make you come most alive! So I want you to laser this list down even further. 

The big goal here is to be you, 100% authentically you! When defining your values, don’t force yourself to be like someone else, even if they are somebody you look up to. Don’t try to fit your values into a pre-made mold of what the world expects you to behave like, and certainly don’t judge yourself based on what makes you unique and rare to this world. The world has enough people following the same stagnant path that everyone else seems to be following. What the world truly and desperately needs is an adventurer of spirit. The world so desperately needs who you authentically are and for you to unleash that! Defining and getting clear on your core values will not only help you to come alive, but it helps the world come alive just a little more as well. If you need a little extra inspiration here, consider who you really admire, identify what you think their values are. Do any of their values light you up? Add them to you list. 

Now that you have your fifteen values, we have a much better concept of what it is that you identify with and stand for. But just because you stand for these values doesn’t mean your life is on fire in pursuing them. Therefore, we must find the five values that most resonate with you. Take some time in that inspiring mental place once more to uncover which of those fifteen values can become your absolute core values, the ones that are most important to you in your life, the ones where you would feel uplifted and inspired if you were to live a life that embodied them. Is this an easy exercise? Not always, in fact most often it’s not, but the more you can clearly see what’s important to you, the more on purpose you can begin to live. Core values are like a fingerprint, they’re different for everyone, so it’s important to pay close attention to what you value, what makes you authentically you, not what you think other people value or what you would be accepted for! There’s only one you, after all, so why not completely own it and be the best version of you that you can be instead of wasting life trying to be someone you’re not?

Next Chapter: Chapter 9.1: Passion’s Great Obstacle