Carter hadn’t realized his resting bitch face was even bitchier than usual until Janine so lovingly pointed it out. There was a pinching pain in his forehead- probably from furrowing his brows so deeply for almost an hour. He used the pads of his middle and ring fingers to smooth the tension out from his forehead. Janine gave up her search for whatever color nail polish she’d originally wanted with a huff.

“I hope you like red. Because that’s all I have.”

“I like red.” Carter mumbled, forcing himself to sit up. His throat was still sore from the yelling match he got into with his mom. Of course he’d lost.

The room was quiet. Her CD for Ween’s The Mollusk must’ve played the last song already. Somewhere outside, a neighbor started up an old mower. It sputtered like a raspy cough before roaring to life. Carter had been content zoning out and staring at the books piled up on Janine’s desk until he felt eyes on him. He looked up to find Janine staring at the bruise on his cheek.

“Carter, did-”

“We should put another CD in.” He quickly cut her off. He really didn’t want to get into something that was just a one time thing. An accident, really. An accident that his mother really hadn’t meant to do.

She hadn’t liked his new piercing. Carter, who’d been eighteen since May, didn’t give a shit. He’d told her as much. He wasn’t going to just rip his lip ring out. He’d paid for it with his money from a job he got on his own. He refused to work at her gimmicky bakery. Truly, how did Kai handle Kiersten Fowler’s micromanaging?

Janine pulled out a large, wooden crate from under her bed. Carter chuckled as he scooted on her bed to peer into the crate. Janine’s love for physical media made her the easiest person to buy gifts for- even if it meant her room was overflowing with books, CDs, DVDS, and other miscellaneous items.

“Is the crate smaller or did you get more stuff?” He asked as he ran his finger along the spines of CD cases.

Janine flicked his hand. “No touching!”

“Okay, ow.” Carter pouted as he held his hand to chest as if she’d burned him. “I’m just looking!”

“Last time you looked, you “borrowed” my Bring Me the Horizon disc and I still haven’t gotten it back.”

“You told me I could take it!”

“To borrow, you thief.” Janine chastised him with a pointed look.

It was a look he affectionately coined the “Goodwin Glare”. A quick narrow of their eyes that told you not to argue or say anything else dumb. He was sure it was passed down from their mother. Like her children, she had a wicked sense of humor and a loathing for stupidity and didn’t hesitate to level Mr. Goodwin with it.

Carter ducked his head shamefully. “All you had to do was ask.” He mumbled, earning a playful swat to his knee. He flinched.

They both fall silent. Carter kept his eyes down as his face warmed. He was just being overdramatic now. Janine squeezed his knee apologetically. He could hear the CD player whir softly. The mower had died outside. Carter ran a hand over his mouth. His lip was still tender from the fresh piercing.

“Carter? Do you… Want to spend a few nights here?” Janine pretended to look busy searching through her CD collection but Carter knew she was circling around the real question she wanted to ask.

“Dunno. My dad’s gonna be in town for a while. I think I’ll stay with him.”

Carter was thrilled his father was coming home… Well, to his home. Carter’s parents had been divorced longer than they’d been together. Having a kid at seventeen and being trapped in a small town with small people could do that to even the most devoted couples. His father, a pilot, was rarely home. He still encouraged Carter to stay at his cabin even when he wasn’t home. It was an offer Cater wished he had taken his dad up on sooner.

Janine nodded, eyeing his cheek again. He knew the question was eating at her. He sighed, deciding to show some mercy.

“...We had a fight. I was too much of a smart ass this time I guess.” He mumbled.

Janine moved to carefully sit beside him. She moved like he’d break if she was too fast or rough. He couldn’t even be upset; he’d done the same thing to her when Melissa died.

“I really hate your mom.” Janine said bluntly. “You don’t have to stay with her, Carter.”

“She’s got no one else… I can’t leave her alone.”

Janine inhaled deeply. Clearly, she was holding back from unleashing a flurry of disparaging remarks against his mother. He rubbed his hands together before bumping their shoulders together.

“Don’t worry about me. She’s been texting me, ya know. Saying how she’s sorry.”

“Oh, and it won’t happen again?” She scoffed. “I’m not surprised this happened.”

Carter raised his brows at that, immediately getting defensive. “What the hell, Jan?” He huffed.

“I mean that she’s not nice. She’s not a good mom. She was already verbally abusive-“

“She’s not abusive.”

“Carter.”

He said nothing for a moment. What could he say? Janine only heard and saw the aggressive side of his mother. A snippy woman who didn’t want Carter being friends with girls. A mom who tried to dictate the music he listened to, the clothes he wore and the future he wanted for himself.

“Can you pick another CD?” He finally spoke.

Janine nodded wordlessly as she rifled through her CDs. She occasionally glanced at him but he focused on picking at the rest of the chipped black nail polish coating his nails. He didn’t want to think about his mother anymore… He wondered how his dad would react if Carter told him his ex wife slapped the shit out of their son. He eyed Janine. His mother wasn’t an evil woman despite what his best friend might have imagined; there were moments, drunk or sober, when the playful, laid back shade of his mother shone through.

He decided to change the tracks of his thoughts to something much more appealing. “Think Kai will be back soon?” He asked, confident he asked nonchalantly enough that Janine wouldn’t question him.

“I hope so.” She sighed. “I’m hungry.”

Carter glanced out the window. It was a small, awkwardly high pane of glass that didn’t let in much sunlight. From where he was sitting, he could only see the tops of neighboring houses outlined by still, cloudless blue. He knew if he stood, he’d be able to see the driveway. He just… wanted to check if a certain yellow Jeep was parked there yet. For no other reason than getting his smoothie.

“I offered to help him.” Carter hummed. “I’m not sure if your brother likes me very much.”

He chuckled so Janine would know he was mainly joking. He’d spoken to Kai only a handful of times over ten years and each conversation seemed shorter than the last. Kai never held eye contact any longer than a blink. Carter just hoped it wasn’t painfully obvious how desperate he was to properly befriend Kai. Not just because Kai didn’t seem to have many (if any) friends but because he was interesting. A box of puzzle pieces that Carter wanted to sort through and assemble.

“I don’t think he likes anyone really.” Janine said.

“He seems pretty…” He trailed off, brain getting stuck on “pretty”. He sniffed softly. “I dunno, nice. I guess.”

“I’d say more antisocial than anything.”

Janine was still trying to decide what music to play next. She shook her head as she mumbled the artist’s names under her breath. Carter absentmindedly spun the ring on his pinky around slowly.

“Do you care if he likes you or not?” Janine asked after a few minutes.

“I…” Carter wasn’t sure how to answer. He wanted Kai, even if it was purely platonic, to like him in some capacity. “I do a little. Does he have… any friends?”

Janine huffed softly. “I wouldn’t know. He doesn’t talk about them if he does. All of his friends were Melissa’s.”

After what felt like eons, Janine settled on a CD. She stood, crossing the room towards her CD player. Carter reached over to pop the lid open. It was a silent routine they had. The layout of Janine’s room was almost identical to her old room; the head of the bed against the wall by the door, an overcrowded desk shoved into the corner. Her room was at least bigger so they didn’t trip over each other trying to move. He was curious how Kai organized his room. Carter knew his locker was tidy so he imagined his bedroom would be equally clean. Opposite of Janine, though he would never say that to her. Organized chaos- a tornado of collectibles and wall art. He always found her room- her house in general- more comforting than his.

The Goodwin house felt lived in; couch cushions slightly askew, various shoes piled near the front door, cookies and snacks ready to grab. Their house didn’t smell sterile and empty. Janine’s mom didn’t get moody if one of her kids spilled a glass of juice. In fact, he remembered the first time he had dinner with Janine and her family. Kai had tried reaching over Janine for more yakitori, knocking over his glass of milk. Carter, holding his breath, waited for Mrs. Good to start scolding him- even after Kai started apologizing in a small voice. Carter watched Mrs. Goodwin tsked softly.

“That’s why we use plastic table cloths.” She teased, grinning as she patted Kai’s hand. “Go grab some papertowels, Malakai.”

Carter remembered staring at the puddle of milk on the table- dumbfounded. Kai’s mom had simply laughed. Carter could imagine how his own mother probably would have burst a blood vessel. Mr. Goodwin had ruffled Kai’s hair only to knock over his beer. Janine snickered behind her napkin as her father floundered to save the remaining few sips of his beer.

“Boys! I think you both need sippy cups again.”

Janine settled back on her bed as the beginning riffs of Jenny Was a Friend of Mine filled her otherwise quiet room. She rolled a bottle of nail polish between her palms. Carter wasn’t one hundred percent sure what this achieved but he never asked. Janine reached for one of his hands, examining the few bits of remaining black polish with pursed lips.

“I should have asked Kai to grab me more nail polish remover too.” She sighed, still holding his hand. “Think he’s still in town?”

“Doesn’t hurt to ask.” Carter rolled his shoulders.

He examined Janine’s face closely. He could see through the curtain of thick, black hair that the heavy bags under her eyes were back. The first day of senior year was drawing closer but Carter knew she’d been applying to colleges as if there was no tomorrow. He had faith she’d get into every school she applied to. His lips curved into a soft smile just as Janine glanced up and briefly held his gaze.

“What?” Janine huffed softly.

“Nothin’... Nothin’.”

“Then stop staring.” She deadpanned but the glint of amusement in her eyes gave her away.

He knew they were only inches away from each other. Carter knew it wouldn’t be that big of a risk to kiss her; he had a hunch she would return it. Really, it would make sense, wouldn’t it? It would surprise people more if they didn’t end up married with two kids in a house lined by a white picket fence. On paper, Janine was his perfect girl. He loved her deeply… But for some reason, the idea of kissing Janine wasn’t appealing. He wished he could just fall into the relationship people expected them to have… Janine was just his best friend. That mattered more than anything. So he did not miss the way her eyes lower to his lips. Nor did he miss her miniscule, blink and you miss it lean towards him. He didn’t get the chance to politely pull away when the door opened.

Janine jumped back as if they’d been caught doing something scandalous, brushing her hair away from her face. Carter tried to coolly look over his shoulder but felt his chest tighten when he spotted Kai standing in the door. Kai held two styrofoam cups in each hand- brows raised as if he walked in on a dirty scene. Did it really look like they were mid-almost kiss?

“Christ, Kai.” Janine muttered as she stood, striding to the door. “Did you forget how to knock?”

Kai frowned indignantly as he carefully shook the cups in his hands for emphasis. “Hands are kinda full here. You’re welcome by the way, love birds.”

There’s a curtness to his voice that made Carter pause before grimacing at the use of “love birds”. He felt the need to defend them. To make sure Kai knew nothing happened nor would it happen. That seemed harsh…

“Thanks.” Janine gave a faux-sweet smile as she took the smoothies from him. She dropped the smile quickly.

Kai’s shoulders sagged- deflating like a balloon with a small hole in it. He eyed Carter before turning on his heels. Feeling the need to reach out somehow, Carter sat up.

“Thanks again, Kai. We were starting to waste away.”

Seeing Kai light up again was more endearing than Carter would have expected. Kai stepped forward again, leaning against the doorframe.

“See that, Jan? Someone who appreciates my generosity-”

Janine cut him off with a swift slam of the door that made Carter jump slightly. He stared at his friend, shocked on Kai’s behalf. Carter could almost see her brother still standing outside the door, face inches away from the wood. A small frown on his face. Hurt.

“Was that really necessary?"

Janine pushed Carter’s smoothie into his hand. She plopped back onto the bed with a shrug. He knew he had to be honest with her… Even if it would break her heart. Janine sipped her smoothie, avoiding his questioning look.

“I hate when he just barges in. It’s annoying.” She placed her drink on the nightstand by her bed.

“That’s part of having siblings.”

“You don’t get it.” She muttered, unscrewing the nail polish.

Letting her take his hand again, Carter decided it wasn’t worth pressing. Maybe he would never understand the dynamics of having a sibling, let alone, a twin. Janine used to boast about how lucky she was to be a twin. Not just a twin but a triplet. She didn’t roll her eyes when Carter tried to invite Kai to join them, as long as he invited Melissa as well. Carter had thought that losing their sister would bring them closer. Instead, Janine seemed to really dislike her brother more often than not. It was strange seeing his friend, the same girl who would drop everything to come to Carter’s side, sneer at her only sibling left.

Janine sighed as she carefully dragged the small brush over the nail of Carter’s pointer finger. He usually preferred painting his own nails and he especially preferred a darker shade of red over the firetruck red Janine had selected.

“That is… certainly bright.” He mused.

“It looks good. You just need to trust the process.”

Carter chuckled, using his free hand to push his hair out of his eyes. He knew better than to move too much while Janine was hyper-focused on not getting polish on his skin or her bed. A peaceful silence fell over them. Brandon Flowers crooned about a guy named Andy as Janine occasionally exhaled a careful breath. The summer sun did very little to brighten the room. The ceiling fan whirred lazily above their heads. Between the dim lighting and the white noise of the fan, his eyes felt heavy with sleep.

Carter tapped his knee with a free hand, eyes flitting to Janine’s door. His thoughts drifted from the lyrics of the song playing to, how shocking, Kai. That was happening more and more lately. It would be difficult to hide his interest in Kai from Janine for long; she seemed to know his emotions before he did sometimes. Especially if he kept up his pathetic, following Kai around like a lost puppy behavior. He let her take his other hand, eyes still glued to the door. If he stared hard enough, maybe he could see into Kai’s room.

Carter could think of an excuse to knock on Kai’s door. Just to see him in his element. See the film posters that were probably put up with surgeon-like precision. The desire to learn more- to know what made Kai tick- was almost overwhelming. He knew what people at school said about him wasn’t true. None of them knew Kai. Though, Carter didn’t really know him either. His version of Kai was Frankenstein’s monster stitching of theories and assumptions.

Janine cursed softly, snapping Carter out of his thoughts. How long had he been zoned out and staring at her door?

“What? What’s wrong?”

Janine smiled sheepishly. “I got a little nail polish on your pants. Sorry.”

Carter huffed a laugh as he examined the blotch of red on his jeans. It was more than a little; it looked like half the bottle leaked on his jeans. The dark fabric contrasted sharply with the alarmingly bright red polish. He did his best to wipe it away but Janine grabbed his wrist gently to stop him.

“I don’t care that much.”

“...Will your mom care?”

Carter hesitated as he stared at the stains. “Could I wash them here?”

Janine nodded as she screwed the lid back onto the polish. “Yeah, for sure. You might have to ask Kai if he has any pants you can borrow.”

Carter stood up a little too fast at that. “I will… Go ask him real quick.” He hummed, turning to the door.

“Your nails are still wet!”

Carter exhaled sharply through his nose before leaning forward to palm at the door handle with his fingers flexed out. Feeling like an idiot, he gave up and carefully turned the knob. He made his way towards Kai’s room, heart beating a little too loud in his ears. He stared at the closed door. Here was his excuse to knock. Careful not to smudge his nails, he gently rapped his knuckles against the door. He leaned forward slightly and turned his head so his ear was against the wood. He could hear faint music but couldn’t place the song. Maybe Kai was napping. Carter would feel like a huge dick if he woke him up. Then he remembered the crime scene on his jeans and sighed. He barely managed to knock again before an annoyed Kai called out. Great start, Carter.

The door flew open. Kai inhaled to speak before faltering, staring at Carter with a perplexed frown. He must not have been expecting Carter on the other side. Carter took a small step back, smiling softly. Be cool.

“I hope I’m not interrupting.”

Kai softened. “No, no. I was just working… What’s up?”

“Your sister spilled shit all over my pants and I need to wash them… Do you have a pair I could steal for a bit?” He asked, glancing over Kai’s desk and studying the supplies scattered across it. His lamp was pointed at what looked like a doll. His laptop sat open and abandoned. Carter could have been mistaken but he thought he saw the interface for Skype right before the screen timed out and faded to sleep.

Kai huffed as he looked Carter’s pants over. “That’s just unfortunate.”

“I’m half tempted to just toss them.”

Kai clicked his tongue before shuffling back into his room. Carter stood at the threshold, cataloging Kai’s room. Clean. No random socks or books on the floor. Smelled like glue and cinnamon. Carter was glad to see he was correct about the posters on Kai’s wall. He spotted a Candyman poster over his desk. Scream, Trick R’ Treat, some 80’s movie called Popcorn, and Saw posters took up the rest of the wall space around the room.

“Do I need to invite you in?” Kai asked, rifling through his dresser.

“Oh, no.” He chuckled. “I just didn’t want to be rude.”

“You may enter.” Kai glanced over his shoulder, watching Carter with a bemused grin.

Sunlight weakly trickled in through the window behind Kai’s dresser, casting a warm glow over Kai and the walls. It was brighter than he expected. He wasn’t sure why he thought everything would be covered in a gloomy shadow. A skeleton stood in the corner of the room, a lightbulb lodged between its teeth. Each of its bony hands also held a bulb and pointed in different directions. A lamp?

Kai followed his gaze and hummed. “That’s Bev. I made her.”

“You made that? Holy fuck!” Carter decided not to question why he named a skeleton lamp Bev. He was much more impressed that Kai had built Bev himself. Kai gave a small, embarrassed shrug.

“I couldn’t find any cool lamps so I figured out how to make one.” He adjusted his thin, circular glasses. “I like to make stuff if I can’t thrift it.”

“That’s fucking wicked.” Carter turned his attention back to the doll on Kai’s desk. Upon further inspection, he realized it was not a doll. “Woah… What’s this?” He felt a bit like small child badarging his teacher with a million questions. Leaning closer, Carter concentrated on Kai’s art.

It looked to be a clay figure- a human/ tree hybrid. The attention to detail was astonishing; each leaf had thin veins made of a darker green clay. The bark lining the clay creature’s skin looked rough to the touch. Kai’s entire face lit up as he strode over to his desk. Carter wondered if Kai ever got to tell anyone about his hobbies.

“You know clay animation?”

“Sure I do.”

“Well, I make these short films,” Kai started, hands moving as he spoke. “Clayanimation short films. I’d love to make a feature length film but that will take me a long ass time. Years maybe.”

Carter was a little stunned. How did he not know about this? He knew Kai was into film and had his eyes on UCLA since they were tweens but Janine never mentioned that he was sculpting his own clay figurines for short films.

“Can I see one? One of your films?”

Kai looked almost shy as he fiddled with a ball of clay. “You’d really want to see one?”

“Yes, dude! This is so cool- I’m talking to the future Tim Burton.”

Kai snorted softly as he cocked his head. “I don’t know about all that but… I can show you.”

“Let’s do it then, huh? How long is it?”

Kai chuckled, shuffling back to his dresser. “Don’t you need pants first?”

Right… Carter sighed as he patted his jeans. The paint was pretty much dried at this point. He turned his attention back to Kai. The guy was fucking cool. He didn’t understand how no one seemed to realize that.

“They might be a little…” Kai trailed off, looking Carter over with squinted eyes and pursed lips. He glanced back to the green joggers he held up.

“Little what?”

“...Long?” Kai hummed, biting his lip. He was clearly trying to not sound rude.

Carter crossed his arms over his chest. Kai was only a few inches taller than him; there was no way those would be “too long” for him. He reached out for them.

“Lemme try them on.” Carter insisted, stepping closer.

“They might also be a little too big.”

“Kai, we’re definitely the same size.” Unless they were comparing ass sizes… Then Kai had him beat.

“You sure?” Kai smirked as he let Carter take the pants from him.

Carter realized he’d backed Kai up against his dresser at some point. This close, he could count the freckles on Kai’s face. He counted twelve. The air felt heavy. Carter smelled cinnamon. Kai shifted his weight and chuckled nervously. Carter was close enough he could also see the dark bruise low on Kai’s neck. Not a bruise. A hickey. A hickey from someone that wasn’t Carter. His stomach swooped at the thought of another guy hovering over Kai on some raggedy couch in a basement. His imagination wasn’t his strongest ability but now it was painting incredibly vivid portraits that all involved Kai and a faceless dude. Maybe not entirely faceless if Kai was still seeing that soccer player from school. He sniffed softly and he nonchalantly angled away from Kai.

“I’ll go try these on.” Carter cleared his throat, looking anywhere but at the hickey glaring at him. “Thanks.”

Kai’s head bobbed in a small nod. “Of course. And maybe… Maybe I can show you my film before you leave.”

Carter managed a soft smile. So what if Kai was hooking up with people? Good for him, really. He was doing more than Carter ever had.

“For sure.”

With that, Carter quickly exited Kai’s room and made his way towards the bathroom. He ran his hands over the worn, green fabric. Had he ever actually seen Kai wear these? The possibility that they belonged to whoever- the aforementioned soccer player possibly- left that hickey on Kai’s neck crossed his mind but he dismissed it like a bothersome fly. He might have doubted Kai would be sneaking people into his bedroom if he hadn’t seen it himself. Janine had the similar habit of not knocking before barging into a room.

Carter slipped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. As he carefully peeled his jeans off so he didn’t get nail polish on the white tiles, Carter’s brain pieced together faces and bodies of whoever else Kai could possibly be seeing. Of course he could only conjure up buff, lean male model types. Guys who were over 6 feet with chiseled jaws- not Carter’s type but maybe Kai’s.

Thinking too hard about what Kai’s hypothetical type in men made Carter feel ill so he decided to focus on gingerly pulling on the joggers. The hems of the pant legs brushed the floor as he walked and the fabric sagged at his waist and knees. With a begrudging sigh, Carter was forced to lean over and roll up the pant legs before getting the courage to leave the bathroom. His carefully calculated outfit was trashed and now he looked like he went dumpster diving behind a Community Aid. He didn’t see even the slightest chance that Janine would spare him from teasing, even if this really was her fault.

Carter started towards Janine’s room, slowing down when he passed Kai’s door. Slightly ajar, Carter could see a thin sliver of light coming from Kai’s bedroom. He caught sight of Kai hunched over his desk; fiddling with his clay sculpture. Staring at a door that was usually closed, Carter felt like this was a silent invitation. He reached up, fingers brushing the cool wood in temptation. His eyes stayed on Kai for a beat before he stepped back. Nerves getting the best of him, Carter cleared his throat, bowed his head and stepped back. His mind called him a coward as he trudged back to Janine’s room. Maybe he was.

Next Chapter: Sophomore Year