I don't remember her name but she was a crack head. We both had top bunks and hers was a few feet away from mine with a little wall between us making dumb little cubicles. 

Sometimes we sat together during meals but I never could eat much when we did. She had sores all over her from picking at herself when she was high. It was gross as hell. I said she was a crack head and I mean she was a legit drug addict.

    Imagine a 20 something, African American girl, bad on crack, with missing teeth, a buzzed head and open sores from her ears to her feet. Chances are you pictured this girl fairly well. Anyways, she was a decent human being - just had a drug problem. 

    So this one evening I was laying on my bunk reading a true crime novel about Jack the Ripper while she did sit ups in her bunk beside me. Mid sit-up she farted. 

It sounded like she had twisted a whole sheet of bubble wrap.

I died laughing, and you know how damn loud my laugh is. 

I don't have an "indoor voice" laugh.

Life lands you in unpleasant situations sometimes and really it's a rotten place to be but your experience there is what you make it. I usually try to go out of my way to make friends everywhere, every time. Chances are we all would be a real glum lot but I can't just sit around and not try to see some kind of light. The girl farted mid sit up right next to me and I wasn't going to pretend it didn't happen. That was enough to make us laugh and momentarily forget about where we were at that point in our lives.

It irritates the hell out of me when someone goes on and on about all the awful things that have happened to them. "My sister was murdered", "My parents neglected me", "My boyfriend kept cheating on me", "I grew up sharing a bed with my 6 siblings and we only had pea soup for lunch and dinner for years" 

        I get it. 

You were dealt a crappy hand in life. 

Don't be a sore loser though. Play the game and work with what you've got. 

    Hell, you don't get a second hand and when the game is over - it's over. 

            But I forget that myself sometimes.

That's when a crack head farting mid sit-up is ideal. Really spins your head and reminds you not to take anything too seriously. 

I know I've changed. I'll continue to "change". It's such a slow process kinda like erosion or a tree growing. But I've always been like that. Try to find the humor. Hell, without the dark you wouldn't be able to see that stars. Find the good and don't be consumed by the rest. You get to decide what you focus on. "I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

Anyways, don't worry too much about how things will work out. Worrying is addictive and completely useless. Everything takes time. Bruises will heal and scars will fade. It'll be fine.

That's the thing.

Worrying doesn't even matter. Just be you and do your thing. I suggest having a pleasant demeanor during the process though, you never know who's watching.

Word through the grapevine: it's Santa.

I do hate hearing about you in those times of your life. Pulls us back down from the high that we reach together. I've told you about the meth problem and the girl I found that applied foundation with a wife beater. I asked her why. She just replied that she couldn't stop. She would have bee a very pretty girl. Just a zombie now.

We have come to a crossroad. I hate the word fart. I hate that I just wrote it. But it's hilarious when it happens to someone and it isn't meant to. 

Oh, yes. Your booming laugh probably alerted everyone. I picture that place like the Barracks at Fort Benning. Maybe I'll take you there sometime.

The same black man we keep dealing with was in here tonight. I actually got called off the road because he was threatening the nurses. I already knew it was him because of dispatch and when I walked in he said my name. I calmed him down and he told me he was a racist and he hated white people. I told him that hurt and I loved him. I told him I would come back to check on him. As I was leaving he said, "hey watch out for strays. Cops die everyday."

He told me numerous times that he served 15 years for a murder charge and he wasn't afraid to go back. I checked on him when I came on shift. He was O.K.

I don't know how you can hate someone you know nothing about? I hate people but I have a reason. Stupid reasons but nonetheless reasons.

Yeah you like to make friends everywhere. Gives guys the impression that you are into them. I talk to everyone and am always nice but people understand it's not the same. It's only professional.

I think most people around here just want to be taken care of. They tell you their story hoping for a sympathetic ear. Just ride the welfare check until you die.

I wish you would have jumped.