A battered, rusting hatchback swung into the car park at speed. A fat man climbed out, waddled to the pump and lifted the nozzle. A faint beep came from the console in the store. Jenna stood looking at Bailey, unable to find words to answer the flattering things he’d said about his feelings for her. Bailey turned and headed for the store. Jenna followed a short distance behind.

Inside they hardly spoke. The constant stream of customers, each perfectly placed to arrive just as the previous was leaving meant the heated conversation from outside never had a chance to continue. While this pleased Bailey, Jenna grew increasingly frustrated. Around four O’clock she announced she was going home to bed.

Bailey arrived home after nine. Jenna was waiting for him.

“Why aren’t you at college?” he asked, disappointed to find her home.

“I skipped, so we could talk.”

Bailey looked pained. Jenna intended to pick up last night’s conversation - the last thing Bailey wanted. He’d been going over what happened, and while he desperately needed reassurance from Jenna that she wasn’t about to give up on him, a long drawn out second round wasn’t appealing.

“Where have you been?” Jenna asked.

“Getting coffee.”

“You waited until you thought I’d be gone, right?

Bailey flopped onto the futon staring at nothing. The very same things that made Jenna, unlike any girl he’d ever met also made arguing with her impossible. To this point in their relationship, Bailey had yet to win even one round. By the time their relationship had reached three months his best defence was to stay silent or leave the room. The thing that incensed Bailey most was Jenna’s ability to pluck casually thrown remarks from weeks or even months before and use them against him to win any argument with his own words.

“You said you didn’t want to have any secrets between us,” she fired at him. Bailey wanted to stop this conversation and go to bed.

“I said that about - this is different.” 

“How?”

“It just is.” 

“Because what you want is for me to have no secrets.”

“I don’t want to get into this now, okay?” Bailey tried to sound forceful. It had no effect.

“Too bad, we’re doing it now.” 

Bailey let out a frustrated groan as he went to the fridge, opened the door and looked inside.

“Why don’t you just hand me your list, I’ll go through it and get back to you about what I’ll be able to change and what you’ll have to put up with.” 

“I told you I didn’t care about the stuff I said. I just want us to be open so we can know what’s going on with each other.”

“Nothing is going on with me.”

“Bullshit.” 

“Why does it have to be bullshit? Not everyone has everything worked out like you. Some of us don’t know what’s going on inside our heads let alone have it analysed so well we can tell other people about it.”

“So can’t we start there?” Jenna said, her tone softening.

“No, because I am nowhere!”

“I don’t believe that. You whinge about having a shitty job, but you never talk about what it is you want to replace it with.”

“I don’t like thinking about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because my future might be working in that shitty job and that scares the shit out of me.”

“So start with something simple. I’ve seen those fitness charts you put on the fridge. Start with them. Tell me about those plans and then maybe the more important stuff will seem easier.” 

“They’re a perfect example of why I don’t talk about stuff. I have to make those plans in such incredible detail. Every meal, every snack, every glass of water gets listed. And these are not your average workouts; these are workouts that will give my shit a six pack.”

“It’s good to have plans. A lot of people don’t even get that far.” Jenna said, trying to be positive.

“A lot of people do stuff. They don’t just make plans about doing stuff.” 

Jenna could see Bailey was heading into a dark place and she wasn’t about to let him go there without a fight.

“If the worst thing you have to worry about is making plans you don’t follow through then you’re doing pretty well.”

“It’s not about that. It’s about me trying to feel good about myself. I was never good at studying. I tried, but I just couldn’t get decent marks, so maybe this job is the best I can do?”

“You think you’re not smart?”

“I’m twenty-three, and I’m working in a convenience store. So I think I’m a genius.” 

“Have you tried to get a better job?”

Jenna was refusing to let Bailey feel sorry for himself.

“I’ve applied for every decent job going. Most don’t even reply. They see the marks I got, and that’s the last I hear. Since I graduated, I must have applied for over a hundred jobs. So far I’ve had two interviews.” 

“You graduated?” Jenna asked with genuine surprise. The question sent Bailey ballistic.

“If you’re trying to be fucking funny then it’s not great timing!” he screamed at her.

“I’m not. Sorry! I didn’t mean anything. It’s just, the way you talk about it, I thought you dropped out.” Jenna looked like a lion tamer who had lost her whip.

Bailey’s revving engine snapped into stupefied neutral when he realised she was serious. Unwittingly she’d demonstrated just how little Bailey did talk about himself. After six months together even he knew Jenna had a right to know something as simple as that.

Things were making a lot more sense to Jenna. She’d got what she wanted, Bailey opening up, but she didn’t expect to find out how much he struggled with his studies. She always enjoyed school. Jenna wasn’t sure what advice to give. For once, she said the first thing that came into her head.

“You could go back and get better marks.” 

Bailey looked stunned.

“Have you not been listening?”

“You could wipe out your old results by getting a higher degree.”

“I just told you I hardly managed to get the one I have!”

“But you got it, and this time I’d be there to help. And I would help.”

Bailey stared at Jenna in confusion.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked playfully, hoping to break the tension.

“Do you know why I never put my hand up to ask what the hell was going on?”

Jenna quickly dropped her attempted playfulness. Bailey’s tone was utmost serious. She shook her head.

“I didn’t want anyone to find out I was stupid.”

“I think most people feel that way.” 

Bailey picked up the remote control and flicked on the TV.

“No way,” Jenna said quickly. “We haven’t finished.”  She took the remote from Bailey before he could defend it and the TV went to black. Bailey looked annoyed.

“Why do you keep pushing me? I deal with my emotions my way, and I’ve been doing fine until now. I don’t want to be talking about how I feel every minute.” 

“I want to know because I love you. If I know what’s going on, I can help.”

Now it was Bailey’s turn to sit silently. For once he was listening carefully to every word Jenna said. He was hearing words he’d been waiting to hear since that first night at the club.

“Ok?” Jenna pressed, looking for a response.

“You love me?” Bailey asked.

“You didn’t know that?”

“It’s the first time you’ve said it out like that.”

“I say it all the time!”

“It doesn’t count when we’re fucking.”

“You honestly didn’t know I loved you?”

Bailey worried he’d said the wrong thing.

“I knew,” he said when he hadn’t.

“But you weren’t certain?”

Bailey stayed silent, wishing he’d had the sense to say nothing.

“You think this is a thing for me?”

“No. But after last night, the way I acted.”

“Last night is why I’m so sure about you. I’d felt like I wasn’t part of whatever this is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having fun, and I love how we do everything together. It makes me feel you’re the one, except - I always feel there’s stuff with you I’m not part of. Then last night I got to see why I’ve felt like that. I saw how hard it is for you to open up. But you did, so now I know how much you love me.” 

Jenna nudged her nose up close to Bailey’s face.

“You didn’t know before?” he asked, trying to sound indignant.

“Shut up.”

They kissed. Bailey felt more secure with Jenna than he’d ever felt with anyone in his life.

The futon couch became a bed without ever being unfolded, and for almost an hour they made love. When they’d finished, Jenna lay on top of Bailey listening to his heartbeat. They were both naked, and their skin was slick with sweat as the room became a screen to the flickering light from music videos. They lay like that for a long time until Bailey tried to lift a nearby blanket with his foot to cover them. He might as well be trying to perform open-heart surgery with a toothpick. First, he almost crushed Jenna, then he came within a breath of falling off the couch. When he did manage to grab the blanket between his toes, Jenna stopped him.

“Don’t you want a shower?”

“No.” 

Jenna looked a little concerned. Surely Bailey had some vague notion of hygiene. She felt a quick shower was preferable to sleeping in passion puddles.

“I want to talk,” he said.

Jenna lifted her head from Bailey’s chest and looked at him, just short of rolling her eyes.

“You’ve been rehearsing a speech again, haven’t you?”

Bailey nodded a little embarrassed. He often rehearsed speeches about things he felt important.

“You said ‘I was the one’.” Bailey started. He’d taken half a line thrown away in the middle of a much larger conversation and mulled it over in his head, hoping it was as significant as he wanted it to be.

“It’s still pretty early,” Jenna said cautiously.

“But you think I might be?”

“Do you think I’d be lying here stuck together like this if I didn’t?”

Bailey smiled, and they kissed with a soft, seductive kiss. 

“This is going to be my first serious relationship,” he said.

“You told me you’d had a few before.”

“So you wouldn’t think I was a man whore. I’d had relationships that lasted a while before...”

“How long?”

“One for three months... I think.”

“So you are a man whore?” Jenna teased.

“I’m trying to explain something.” 

The mood settled. Jenna could tell he was building up to something serious.

“The girlfriends I’ve had, some of them I liked, but most - I know I don’t talk about things and what I do say doesn’t come out the way I want - always - most of the time. I’m trying to say - you’re the first important one. Not just girlfriend, either. You don’t see me hanging out with lots of my friends, do you?”

Jenna shook her head.

“Because my friends are ‘guy’ friends, they’re good for going to a game or having a drink, not for listening to serious stuff. But you - since I’ve been with you I don’t want other people. I even like that you get me to tell you stuff. I’ve never had that before, not with anyone.”

Jenna put her head back to listen to Bailey’s heart. The pressure reassured Bailey that for once, the speech he’d rehearsed for so long had come out okay.

They slept most of the day. They hadn’t meant to, but by the time they’d finished doing what they’d gone back to doing, they were both so exhausted that the few minutes of rest drifted into deep sticky sleep.

Next Chapter: Therapy