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Episode Nineteen: Chat Log (Revised)




PROTOGON: IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE LAST TALKED, STUDENT. TELL ME, HOW IS YOUR PRIVATE EYE CAREER GOING? DID THE ALDER ACCEPT YOUR SERVICE?

You hold your breath, suddenly filled with a nervous tension.

Protogon is an Archmage, a self-made master of the art of digital sorcery. They can hack into any database on the planet and whip up new flavors of magic like a master chef making breakfast. They’re probably also a newborn A.I. that could trigger a one-person Singularity if the mood struck them.

You and Janice owe so much to this entity, a figure who taught you both the arts of magic you desperately desired.

And here you are, about to shamelessly pester them for even more favors.

You type your response.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YOU AREN’T LISTENING, TEACHER. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN DANGER BECAUSE OF MISTAKES I MADE, AND RIGHT NOW I”M TOO BEDRIDDEN TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I NEED YOUR HELP FIGURING OUT HOW TO KEEP THEM SAFE BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

PROTOGON: CALM YOURSELF, CHILD. MERELY ACCELERATE YOUR PROCESSING SPEED TO 10.5 PETAFLOPS, AND WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEVISE A SOLUTION WITHIN 2.3 STANDARD SECONDS.

You stare at the laptop screen incredulously. After a moment, your mentor sends a follow-up message through the hacked tutorial NPC:

PROTOGON: MY MISTAKE. I HAD FORGOTTEN YOU ARE LIMITED BY YOUR INEFFICIENT ORGANIC BRAIN AND LACK OF SOFTWARE UPDATE PROTOCOLS.

You try to take a deep, calming breath—but the very act of inhalation makes your wounds burn. You discard the idea of calming down. You brandish your middle finger at the NPC on the laptop screen, flipping the bird to Phra Lak, brother to Pra Ram, the seventh incarnation of Vishnu.

Surprisingly, this cultural and religious sacrilege does not make you feel any better.

(There’s no accounting for taste. What I wouldn’t give to be able to give such vulgar gestures toward Pra Ram and all his fellow Devaspawn!)

You sigh, return your fingers to the keyboard, and continue the conversation:

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: NO TIME. I HAVE LOTS OF BRUISES AND A HOLE IN MY BACK. CAN YOU EMAIL ME A HEALING SPELL?

PROTOGON: HAVE YOU MERGED WITH THE SYMBIOTIC NANO-COLONY I SENT TO YOUR FLAT?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WTF. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUT THOSE NANOMACHINES ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER?

PROTOGON: YOU NEVER EVEN TOUCHED MY NANOMACHINES?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: NO, I DID NOT TOUCH THE POTENTIAL GRAY GOO OUTBREAK.

PROTOGON: BUT YOU DIDN’T INCINERATE THE GOO TO ELIMINATE THIS PRESUMED APOCALYPTIC EVENT. CLEARLY YOUR SENSE OF CAUTION HAS LIMITS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: CLEARLY YOU’VE NEVER HAD TO STRUGGLE WITH THE HOUSING MARKET.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: ALSO, I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SO SCARED OF YOUR “GIFT” IF YOU HADN’T DECIDED TO BE COY AND SECRETLY DROP OFF A JAR OF NANO-JAM WHILE I SLEPT.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: NOW THAT I’M TYPING THAT OUT, I REALIZE HOW CREEPY IT WAS THAT YOU BROKE INTO MY FLAT WHILE I SLEPT.

PROTOGON: MY APOLOGIES. I STILL HAVE MUCH TO LEARN ABOUT SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. NOW, YOU WERE SAYING THAT PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT ARE IN DANGER. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: DO SOMETHING TO GET ME BACK ON MY FEET SO I CAN HELP THEM FIGHT!

PROTOGON: I REFUSE.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WHAT? WHY?

PROTOGON: I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE THINKING RATIONALLY ABOUT YOUR CURRENT SITUATION.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: CAN THIS TEACHABLE MOMENT WAIT UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT?

PROTOGON: IN ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE, I WOULD TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT. BUT YOU YOURSELF ADMITTED THAT THIS SITUATION AROSE BECAUSE YOU MADE A FOOLISH MISTAKE. AS YOUR GURU, I REFUSE TO LET MY PUPIL WALTZ INTO DANGER AND REPEAT HIS MISTAKES.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? I COULD TYPE OUT A SHORT STORY, BUT MY FINGERS WON’T MOVE FAST ENOUGH.

PROTOGON: I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING, JUST A FEW KEY FACTS. FIRST, HAVE YOU UNLEASHED THE DEMON YET?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: NO. I’VE MISPLACED HIS HAT, ACTUALLY.

PROTOGON: THAT IS BOTH ALARMING AND REASSURING. THE DEMON COULD HAVE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT I AM GLAD YOU DID NOT RESORT TO WEAKENING THE SEALS ON THAT OLD MONSTER.

A pox on you too, deus ex machina! I could destroy you in a heartbeat if I wasn’t trapped in that disgustingly trendy hat!

PROTOGON: SECOND QUESTION. THE PEOPLE YOU MENTIONED, THE PEOPLE WALKING INTO DANGER–– ARE THEY WEAK, COWARDLY, OR INCAPABLE?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: NO. I DON’T THINK SO. SKILLS POOLED TOGETHER, THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY PULL OFF THEIR RESCUE OP.

PROTOGON: A RESCUE OPERATION? I WON’T PRY INTO THE DETAILS. I WILL, HOWEVER, ASK YOU A THIRD QUESTION: DO YOU WANT TO RUSH TO THEIR RESCUE IN ORDER TO SOOTHE YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YES, OBVIOUSLY? I F-ED UP AND WANT TO FIX MY MISTAKES.

PROTOGON: THE DEFINITION OF MADNESS, DIESELNOI WORAWOOT, IS REPEATING THE SAME ACTION AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: SO…WHAT? I’M USELESS?

PROTOGON: DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU CAN HELP YOUR COMPANIONS IN YOUR CURRENT CONDITION, DIESEL, OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF? IF IT’S THE LATTER, I FEAR YOU WILL INDEED BE USELESS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: GURU.

PROTOGON: YES?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I THINK YOU’RE OPERATING UNDER A FALSE ASSUMPTION. YOU’RE ASSUMING I WANT TO THROW MYSELF AGAINST A SUPER POWERFUL MONSTER HUNTER BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

PROTOGON: I’VE FOLLOWED YOUR CASEWORK, DIESEL. I’VE MEASURED YOUR HEART RATE AND ANALYZED YOUR EMOTIONAL RANGE PRE AND POST BATTLES. YOU GAIN A VISCERAL SENSE OF PLEASURE AND SATISFACTION FROM EVERY BATTLE.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I’M NOT SOME KIND OF BATTLE-JUNKIE, GURU. RIGHT NOW, I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO FIDDLE WITH MY PHONE AND EAT APPLESAUCE AND SLEEP FOR A WEEK. MY NERVES ARE SHOT TO HELL. WHENEVER I THINK OF FACING KAYNE AND HIS KNIVES AGAIN, I CAN FEEL THE COLD STEEL SINKING INTO MY FLESH.

You look down and wait for your fingers to stop trembling before you continue typing.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: BUT I STILL NEED TO HELP THEM. I HAVE TO.

PROTOGON: WHY, THOUGH?

Why, indeed?

Surely, you’ve done enough, Diesel. More than anyone could ever ask for. If Fausta, Fortuna, and that Deer-wench don’t come back from their little escapade…well, surely that’s their fault, not yours!

You type.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WELL, FOR STARTERS, THE DEMON KEEPS SENDING PSYCHIC MESSAGES TELLING ME TO GIVE UP. THAT’S AS GOOD A REASON AS ANY TO NOT, RIGHT?

You press the return key and wait for a response.

There’s no response.

All of your mentor’s previous replies had arrived instantaneously. Given that your Guru is almost certainly an unbound artificial intelligence with hyper-fast cognition, this is somewhat alarming.

Finally, he responds.

PROTOGON: I THINK I BETTER UNDERSTAND YOUR REASONS FOR SHUNNING INTROSPECTION, STUDENT. YOU’RE NOT JUST FLEEING FROM THE DEMONS OF YOUR PAST, BUT EXPENDING TREMENDOUS MENTAL EFFORT PUSHING AWAY THE DEMONS OF YOUR PRESENT AS WELL.

Hmph. You and your circuit-board master overestimate my patience. Probing the minds of two dullards like you? What a boring thought.

More words appear on the laptop screen:

PROTOGON: KROTARAJA, DEMON OF THE MYTHIC AGE. I COMMAND YOU TO BE SILENT.

…you dare give me orders, you newfangled buckets of bolts––?

PROTOGON: BE MUTE!

…!

…..!

……………………!

PROTOGON: IS THAT BETTER, DIESEL?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: …HE’S GONE. LIKE, REALLY GONE. EVEN THE TICKLE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD. HOW THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT?

PROTOGON: 1000 SUBJECTIVE YEARS OF PRACTICE IN A TIME ACCELERATED SIMULATION. WITH DEDICATED TRAINING ON YOUR PART, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEARN THAT SKILL FROM ME IN A MERE 30 YEARS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I MIGHT JUST TAKE YOU UP ON THAT, IF HE KEEPS YAMMERING ON.

PROTOGON: NOW THAT’S HE NO LONGER EAVESDROPPING, CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU WANT TO DO THIS, DIESEL?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WELL, ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? IT’S GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SELF-LOATHING, MIXED WITH A BURNING SENSE OF GUILT AND NEED TO ATONE.

PROTOGON: YOU SEEM TO HAVE PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THIS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WELL, IT’S OBVIOUS, ISN’T IT? I HUNT MONSTERS. I REALIZE NOT ALL MONSTERS ARE BAD. I GO ROGUE FROM MY OLD LIFE AND RUN OFF TO A NEIGHBORHOOD FILLED WITH THE VERY BEINGS I’VE WRONGED. DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS TO PUT 2 AND 2 TOGETHER.

PROTOGON: YOUR ATTEMPT AT SELF-ANALYSIS IS NOT ENTIRELY INACCURATE, STUDENT, BUT YOU ARE STILL REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE CERTAIN ESSENTIAL TRUTHS ABOUT YOURSELF.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: LIKE WHAT?

PROTOGON: ‘A BURNING SENSE OF GUILT AND NEED TO ATONE’. THOSE ARE YOUR EXACT WORDS.

PROTOGON: BUT WHY DO YOU FEEL GUILTY? WHAT DO YOU NEED TO ATONE FOR?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I’D ASK YOU TO JUST TELL ME…BUT I’M GUESSING YOU WON’T STOP PESTERING ME UNTIL I HAVE SOME BIG EMOTIONAL BREAKTHROUGH.

PROTOGON: YOU WOULD BE CORRECT, AND I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD ACT A LITTLE LESS SNIDE.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: SORRY.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WELL, I HURT JANICE AND JACE WHEN THEY DIDN’T DESERVE IT.

PROTOGON: YOU FOUGHT WITH A SINGLE NECROMANCER AND HER VAMPIRE BROTHER, THEN STOPPED THE MOMENT YOU REALIZED THEY WEREN’T MALEVOLENT. THERE’S NO REASON FOR YOU TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT.

“He’s right,” Janice says, looking over your shoulder at the screen. “Heck, technically I attacked you first with my cyber-zombies…”

You frown and type some more.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WELL, I ALSO BETRAYED MY SECT.

PROTOGON: A SECT WHOSE MISSION TO PROTECT HUMANITY HAD GROWN GREATLY DISTORTED.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I WOUNDED MY OWN FATHER.

PROTOGON: AFTER HE ATTACKED YOU FIRST. TO THE BEST OF MY UNDERSTANDING, HUMAN FAMILIAL OBLIGATIONS GO BOTH WAYS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I DROPPED MY GUARD AROUND KAYNE AND LET HIM STAB ME IN THE BACK.

PROTOGON: …DID YOU SUSPECT HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT BEFOREHAND?

You think back to your interactions with Kayne, the sense of tension and danger that slowly slipped away as you two got more comfortable working together…

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YES. AND I DROPPED MY GUARD ANYWAY.

PROTOGON: THAT WAS CLEARLY A MISTAKE.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YEAH. AND NOW EVERYONE MIGHT DIE BECAUSE OF MY FAILURE TO ACT.

PROTOGON: YOU HAVE FAILED, MY STUDENT. BUT, IF YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING, THE NATURE OF YOUR ERROR IS NOT A FAILURE TO ACT.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: SO WHAT IS IT?

PROTOGON: …

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: RIGHT, RIGHT. FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I SUPPOSE I SAW MY YOUNGER SELF IN KAYNE. “MONSTERS ARE BAD, HUMANS ARE GOOD. KILL THE BAD MONSTERS TO SAVE THE GOOD HUMANS.” I KNEW WHERE HE WAS COMING FROM. I ADMIRED HIS CONVICTION, EVEN THOUGH I WANTED HIM TO REALIZE THE TRUTH.

PROTOGON: WHAT TRUTH?

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SPELL IT OUT? SOME MONSTERS ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE, AND SOME HUMANS CAN DO THINGS THAT’LL MAKE THE VILEST MONSTERS PUKE.

PROTOGON: TRULY, AN ELOQUENT REVELATION.

You take your hands off the keyboard for just a moment, you fingers quivering with tension.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M DONE WITH THIS! I’M POURING MY HEART AND SOUL OUT TO YOU, HOPING BEYOND HOPE THAT YOU’LL HELP ME SAVE LIVES, AND YOU’RE SPOUTING HALF-BAKED KOANS AT ME FROM YOUR VIRTUAL MOUNTAINTOP.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: STOP LOOKING DOWN ON ME, YOU DAMNED––

Your index finger freezes mid-motion, hovering over the R key. Sweat beads across your brow. Janice is looking at you with concern.

You press backspace and delete the message you were going to send.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: …BUT MAYBE I’M NO DIFFERENT. I WAS TALKING DOWN TO KAYNE ABOUT HOW ’MONSTERS ARE JUST PEOPLE’, BUT I’M STILL THINKING IN TERMS OF MONSTERS AND HUMANS, “US” AND “THEM”.

PROTOGON: EVERY SENTIENT MIND TRIES TO MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD BY DIVIDING IT INTO A SET OF LABELS. IT MAKES THINGS SIMPLER, LESS FRIGHTENING, MORE CONTROLLABLE…AND YET THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: I THOUGHT I WAS MAKING PROGRESS WITH KAYNE. I THOUGHT WE WERE CONNECTING. BUT EVERYTHING I SAID JUST MADE HIM HATE ME MORE, DIDN’T IT?

PROTOGON: REGARDLESS OF YOUR SIMILARITIES, DIESEL, YOU AND THIS HUNTER ARE DISTINCT INDIVIDUALS. THIS, PERHAPS, IS WHERE YOU WENT WRONG––YOU FOCUSED ON THE ELEMENTS YOU HAD IN COMMON WITH THIS ’KAYNE’ AND BLINDED YOURSELF TO HIS TRUE FEELINGS.

“…maybe that’s why,” you say out loud. You type.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: MAYBE THAT’S WHY PRIVATE EYES ARE SO COOL TO ME. IT’S IN THE NAME: THEY SEE THROUGH ALL THE B**LSHIT AND UNCOVER THE MESSY TRUTH, EVEN IF IT HURTS. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

You wait for Protogon to respond.

Nothing happens.

You keeping waiting.

Still nothing.

Just when you’re about to slam the laptop screen shut, your mentor’s stolen avatar moves. Phra Lak, the tutorial NPC for the award-winning MMO Realm of Ram, raises his hand and ruffles the fur on your sword monkey’s head.

PROTOGON: I CANNOT YET SEND HEALING SPELLS OVER A WIRELESS CONNECTION. I DO, HOWEVER, KNOW AN ENCHANTMENT THAT WILL GET YOU BACK ON YOUR FEET TO FIGHT. IS JANICE NEAR YOU, BY CHANCE?

“Yup!” Janice says. “Tell him I said hi, Diesel!”

You type.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: YES, SHE’S HERE. JANICE SAYS HI.

PROTOGON: HELLO, JANICE. WITH YOUR HELP, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MINIMIZE THIS SPELL’S POTENTIAL RISKS.

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: AWESOME! WHAT’S THE SPELL?

PROTOGON: WE WILL TURN YOU INTO A ZOMBIE.

You stare at the massively multiplayer game interface glowing on the screen of your borrowed laptop, eyes practically bulging out of your sockets from disbelief. You work up the nerve to type a single word into the chat box:

Lvl 43 Sword Monkey: WHAT

Next Chapter: Episode Twenty: Battle Joined (Revised)