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Snow White and The Seven Roommates

Once upon a time in the middle of winter, a husband and wife sat in front of their OBGYN and begged him to help them have a baby – the wife was barren and the doctor was the best in town.

“I want to her to have black hair.” Said the blonde couple.

“It’s very in this year.”

“And blue eyes.”

“And white.”

“And good looking.”

“And a trendy food allergy.”

The doctor nodded at their requests. It was going to be expensive but they were wealthy and privileged and could afford it.

Soon after they had a daughter who had black hair, blue eyes, white, beautiful and gluten intolerant. They named her Snow White because the mother went to a liberal college and was very hip. She died soon after bringing her daughter home.

A year later the husband remarried a vain but beautiful woman who won at least three local beauty pageants. She had one friend who she always face-timed with on her phone.

“I’m the fairest in the county, right?” she would always ask.

“Oh, totally.” Her friend would always respond. But Snow White was growing up and the doctor who made her was really good at his job. She was getting fairer with each passing day.

“Am I still the fairest?” the Stepmother asked her friend after returning home from an expensive chemical peel.

“Uh, yeah, sort of. Snow White sure is getting old, how pretty!” The Stepmother was shocked. How dare her friend say that? She was so angry she slammed down her phone and cracked the screen. After an emergency Botox to calm her nerves, she realized she needed to get rid of Snow White. She turned to Craigslist and placed an ad for a huntsman:

Stepdaughter is not prettier than me. Will pay cash or Paypal to dispose of ugly girl. Must provide proof of hunt. Pictures or didn’t happen.

In no time she had a huntsman and he hunted Snow White in a park. He was surprised to see how beautiful Snow White was. He checked his Paypal account from the bush he was hiding in and saw that the Stepmother had not paid him yet.

“Hey you, Snow White!”

“Oh my god.” She yelled in fright as a strange man jumped out of the bush next to her.

“Your Stepmother wants me to kill you but she didn’t pay me.”

“Oh my god.”

“So you should probably run or something, she’s clearly crazy.”

Snow White ran away and the huntsman’s phoned beeped – the money from the Stepmother had transferred. With a sigh, he went about and killed the next black haired thing he found and sent the photo-shopped pictures to the Stepmother as proof. He promptly vowed to himself never to go on Craigslist again and disappeared. The Stepmother was so over joyed to find that her stepdaughter had been killed, she celebrated with her third nose job.

Now, Snow White was lost in the city and knew she could not go home. She looked in the classified section and found:

Wanted: 8th roommate needed to split a loft with some pretty chill guys. Free WIFI.

Snow White figured this was good enough and showed up. The place was in a weird location and the door was open and no one was home. She had lived a spoiled life and felt completely justified with walking in and using the free WIFI without asking. Soon she got tired and fell asleep.

When the seven computer programmers returned home, they were shocked to find a beautiful woman sleeping on their couch. It made their palms sweat. When she woke up they were too awkward to tell her they didn’t want to live with a girl and Snow White ended up staying with them rent free because they were too nervous to ask for her share.

But the Stepmother believed that Snow White was dead and not living in the city mooching off seven guys. She was on the phone with her friend and asked, “Am I still the fairest after this face lift?”

“Well, it makes your face a bit puffy,” her friend paused, “and Snow White is totally living in the East Village. She’s still so pretty.” The Stepmother shrieked and broke her phone again. Snow White was supposed to be dead.

She flew off to the city and spied on Snow White. She did look really good with her designer clothes and carefree life. She was going to kill her herself, she thought, but after some emergency collagen injections first.

Remembering that Snow White had a trendy allergy to gluten, the next day the Stepmother showed up to Snow White’s house with a bag of wheat and gluten heavy energy balls. She knocked on the door and tugged on the scarf she wore as a disguise.

“Can I help you?” Snow White did not recognize her Stepmother when she opened the door. Plastic surgery had changed her face.

“Yes, you can dear. I have a delivery for you!” she held up the basket, “a handsome young man wanted to give these to you.”

“Oh, cool,” this was a common occurrence because she was pretty, “but do those have gluten? I’m allergic.”

“Of course not! Gluten and dairy free!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m not stupid. I’m allergic too. I’ll have one, see?” she ate one very slowly; Botox had killed some nerves in her face.

Snow White believed the lie and happily took the basket without a thanks and closed the door. Once she was alone and bored, Snow White ate the whole basket. Soon she began to go into anaphylactic shock due to her allergies and fell on the floor.

When the seven roommates returned home they found Snow White on the floor.

“Is she dead?”

“Is she sleeping?”

“Did she order take-out?”

“Should we move her?”

“Why is she breathing funny?”

“This is going on Instagram.”

“We should call for help.”

Luckily, just across the hall a handsome doctor moved in. He was summoned quickly and was struck by the beauty of Snow White.

“What a babe!” he said before checking her vitals.

“Hey, what’s this?” one of the roommates asked pointing to the empty basket.

“Wheat! She’s allergic!” the roommates yelled. Quickly they flew into action and found Snow White’s epi-pen. The handsome Doctor stabbed Snow White with it; blue to the sky, orange to the thigh just like they had taught him in med school. To help her out, he gave her CPR. It felt nice for him.

Snow White woke up as the puff of minty air entered her lungs. She noticed the Doctor and said, “What a hunk!”

Snow White and the handsome Doctor promptly moved in together and lived happily ever after.

The Stepmother, in all her wickedness, had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia of her fifth tummy tuck and died.

Next Chapter: Little Red Riding Beard