592 words (2 minute read)

Extreme Makeover Duck

Once upon a beautiful summer day in a far off place ruled by ducks and touched by capitalism in a vague and very important way, a mother duck sat watching her nanny duck – a third world duck she was paying half a tortilla chip – sit on her eggs. She would have sat on them herself but she just got her feathers blew out and did not want to mess them up. Just as she was settling into her third drink on the rocks, the nanny duck began to frantically quack and jump about – it was time! The eggs were about to hatch.

With a sigh, mother duck waddled over. It was about time these things hatched, she thought. Maybe now her hedge fund duck husband would stop floating around with those loose loons. One after another five of the six eggs hatched a fluffy yellow duckling the nanny duck was sure to love. The sixth and extremely ugly egg was last to hatch. She did not remember laying this egg but she was also unable to account for several weekends around the time she laid the eggs and let it slide.

When the egg did hatch, she swallowed the shame and vomit that burned her throat. This duckling was ugly. It was large, grey, ugly and fat. It was a monster compared to her other ducklings. He’s going to leave me for a loon, she thought and gulped her drink. Now, it was the nanny duck that raised the ducklings. She tried to teach them to be kind and loving but they were spoiled foul. When mother duck waddled around in-between charity events and following her husband around in secret, she showered them with bread and taught them to be cruel. All but the Ugly Duckling. The cruelty of his siblings made him determined to be as beautiful inside as his siblings were on the outside. Without the kind words of the nanny duck, the Ugly Duckling would have given into despair. She reminded him daily of his kindness after every insult from his family. The nanny duck was the best thing in the Ugly Ducklings life until she was fired and deported when mother duck accused her of stealing silverware instead of admitting that she lost it in a poker game to a mallard.

Ugly Duckling was all-alone and without the love of nanny duck, he grew depressed and sad. His siblings reminded him everyday of his ugliness and his mother duck blamed him for her divorce instead of her drinking and wandering eyes of her husband.

One day, the Ugly Duckling came across a casting call for a new television show about makeovers. This was exactly what he needed! He ran away from home and after a series of lengthy and painful procedures, the moment of the big reveal had arrived. Mother duck and her cruel children gathered and waited in excitement. They never knew any duck to be on television before.

When they saw the Ugly Duckling they cried out in shock – he had been transformed into a swan! Ugly Duckling was finally beautiful inside and out. The Ugly Duckling left his family and ventured into the world. He joined the Swan Club and after a period of serial dating found another swan and settled down. All around him finally treated him nice because of his beauty and that suited him just fine.