“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor Frankl

Chapter Goals

1. To describe how our unconscious drives and reactions impact on our daily lives.

2. To give an example of how an unconscious need for reassurance can drive our reactions and cause problems in our relationships.

3. To introduce ‘compensation patterns’ as the means by which we unconsciously attempt to gain reassurance in our interactions with others.

4. To introduce the three most common kinds of compensation patterns: Rescuing, Self-Negation and Compulsions.

Introduction

A lot goes on outside of your awareness when you interact with another person. It may seem to you, for example, that you are just having a coffee with your sister but, meanwhile, all kinds of unconscious drives and reactions are operating. It is these drives and reactions that make themselves known when you bristle with irritation or defensiveness. They are active when, following your coffee, you say of your sister, ‘she really knows how to push my buttons’.

Usually, the closer you are emotionally to the other person, the easier your ‘buttons’ are to push. You may think that your sister ought to stop being so provocative. You may believe that the friends whose irritating habits get your back up should improve their manners. Perhaps you wish that those with unreasonable expectations of you would stop being so demanding.

These drives and reactions, however, are not about what anyone else says or does. These drives and reactions are about you. What is more, their effects are not limited to your becoming annoyed from time to time. These seemingly short-lived moments of agitation in your day-to-day life are like signposts saying: ‘Blindspot – This Way’.

Unconscious Drives and Reactions

We all have innate survival drives that are triggered when we perceive a threat to our physical safety. Whenever we sense danger, these drives generate an unconscious, life-preserving reaction. This reaction takes many forms but it always includes our seeking first safety and then, some kind of confirmation that we are safe. The gold standard of proof that the danger has passed is reassurance. Feeling reassured switches off the alarm bell. Feeling reassured, turns off the fight for survival and allows us to relax. All of this is natural and protective.

For some of us, our survival drives are triggered too frequently. The ‘life-preserving’ reaction mentioned above has become generalised. It has become a hard-wired, knee-jerk reaction to ordinary stressors - as if they were threats to our safety. Consequently, instead of responding appropriately to a stressor, we react by seeking reassurance.

This causes two kinds of problems.

First, it is an over-reaction and is experienced as such by our loved ones. This creates misunderstandings, imbalances and conflict in our relationships and leaves us feeling drained, bewildered and misunderstood.

Secondly, because these reactions are unconscious we have no idea that they are taking place or that they are causing problems. When we don’t know what is causing a problem, not only are we unable to solve it but we may draw inappropriate conclusions – the results of which are likely to make things worse.

Let’s take the example of Tina. She has a busy life. Her brother, Jonathan - who lives on the other side of town - asks her to feed his cat while he is away for a week. Under the circumstances, Tina wants to say ‘no’. She is entitled to say ‘no’. Saying ‘no’ is reasonable. Tina is particularly busy and Jonathan has other options for arranging care for his pet. Tina says ‘yes’, but she feels coerced and resentful. All week, she goes to great lengths to feed Jonathan’s cat. She gets home late every evening feeling frazzled, having missed dinner with her family. She is uptight and snappy with her husband. As the week wears on, she becomes increasingly tired and outraged. When she sees Jonathan upon his return, they end up arguing. Tina leaves Jonathan’s apartment, astonished by his ingratitude. Jonathan is staggered by the fuss his sister has made over feeding his cat and wonders why, if it was such a big deal, she didn’t just say ‘no’. A rift develops between them which results in stress and upset for them both.

What happened? Why didn’t Tina say ‘no’?

The idea of saying ‘no’ to her brother and perhaps making him angry or letting him down, was an ‘ordinary stressor’. However, Tina’s unconscious drive to seek safety and reassurance was triggered. She wanted to say ‘no’ but reacted to an unconscious fear that she would be rejected by her brother for displeasing him. Tina behaved in a way that was more likely to result in her feeling reassured: she chose to please Jonathan. On some level, she was reassured that she would be safer saying ‘yes’, even though she felt ‘no’. Satisfying her unconscious drive to feel reassured took priority over all of her other concerns.

It is most likely that Tina’s drives are triggered regularly by all kinds of people and situations. Her constant need for reassurance and the consequences of her efforts to get it, probably generate a lot of tension. She is unlikely to know that the true cause of much of her stress is her own unconscious reactions. Tina might look for remedies, depending on what she attributes her unhappiness to. These remedies will not work because Tina has misidentified the cause of the problem. At worst, she is at risk of making a big mistake. She may, for example, attribute her misery to her marriage and end up having an affair or leaving, which, in this particular circumstance, would serve only to compound her problems.

Compensation Patterns

As you can see, it is not obvious that Tina agreed to care for her brother’s cat because, on some level, she needed reassurance. That our unconscious reactions are not ‘logical’ is one of the reasons why so many of us are worn-out without knowing why: we don’t expect to find an ‘effect’ in our lives that is not clearly linked to its ‘cause’. Our unconscious reactions are hidden from us.

Their consequences, however, are not.

The ways in which we satisfy the drive to find reassurance vary from person to person and from moment to moment, but they tend to turn into repeating patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour over time.

The most common kinds of unconscious reactions fall into a category that I refer to as ‘compensation patterns’. I use the word ‘compensation’ because, as we react, we attempt to gain reassurance by compensating either another party orsometimes, ourselves. I call them ‘patterns’ because they are repetitive, causing the same kind of problem over and over again.

For example, Peter is tired after a long, hard week and declines a game of cards with his five year old daughter. His daughter cries and complains and he feels guilty. This is an ‘ordinary stressor’. However, Peter’s survival drive is triggered. He has an unconscious fear that he is a bad father. He is driven to behave in a way that will result in his feeling reassured. Peter ‘compensates’ his daughter. He allows her to become rude and aggressive in her protests and later, he allows her to stay up after her bedtime and gives her biscuits. This kind of compensation is likely to become a repeating pattern. The boundaries of acceptable behaviour set by Peter for his daughter are likely to continue to be erratic over time, setting the stage for turbulence and confusion in their relationship.

By means of my work with clients, I have identified the three most common compensation patterns. These are:

1. Rescuing - Trying, inappropriately, to ‘save’ others from their problems.

2. Self-Negation – Acting as if, or feeling like, what we want or need doesn’t count.

3. Compulsions – Repeatedly experiencing an irresistible urge to behave in a way that provides relief from stress, pressure or emotional pain. (Sufferers are not only stuck with the direct consequences of their compulsive behaviour but also with the frustration of repeatedly trying and failing to correct it.)

These patterns are exhausting. They can be triggered several times a day. Compensation patterns amount to a big, unconscious reaction to a relatively small stimulus. As a result, many of us experience daily life as if we are constantly ‘putting out fires’. Each of us may suffer any combination of these patterns. Some of us are at the mercy of all three.

Compensation patterns can be self-destructive or destructive of our relationships with others. They steal our energy, keep us stuck and sap our creativity and enthusiasm. They drive us to over-invest in the outcomes of our loved one’s situations, leaving us chronically short of resources. One of their hallmarks is that they become ‘grooved-in’ and operate as repeating cycles or themes in the stories of our lives.

These patterns ‘hide’ the wounds of childhood. Because they are complex and operate largely outside of our awareness, I have found it helpful to describe each pattern as being contained within a ‘Blindspot’.

Blindspots

One of the most important lessons we are taught when we first learn to drive is that we can’t see everything we need to see using only the mirrors; there is a certain space they don’t cover. We must learn where this ‘blindspot’ is located and be aware of it when we overtake. We simply have to learn to look over our shoulder before pulling out. We have to learn when and where to look, in order to ensure that we drive safely.

The driver’s blindspot can be compared to psychological Blindspots. Our Blindspots contain all the drives, impulses and reactions that we don’t see – they contain our patterns.

As with driving, at first, we don’t even know we have a Blindspot. We are not aware at all that we do not consciously experience all of our drives and reactions. If left unattended, our patterns can remain hidden from us indefinitely. However, even once we have learned that we have Blindspots, they do not automatically offer up their contents.

Some parts of our patterns are buried very deeply in our Blindspots. These tend to be our drives and impulses and the fears and needs they serve. Other parts of our patterns - thoughts, attitudes, feelings and behaviours - can be seen more easily. Just as with learning to drive, we must learn to ‘look’ in a special way in order to see all of the elements of our patterns clearly.

Blindspot Charting is a practical, step-by-step guide to bringing the patterns currently hidden in your unconscious into your conscious awareness. It teaches you how to look so that you see all aspects of your reactions to stress: impulses, drives, thoughts, feelings, emotions, presumptions and behaviours. The existence of your unconscious reactions depends on your unawareness of them. Therefore, identifying and seeing your reactions, completely and consistently, dissolves them.

This is how your Blindspots are ‘charted’; you discover the previously uncharted territory of your reactions. When you have witnessed your unconscious reactions often enough, your patterns will fall away, having become redundant.

As your patterns fall away, your original wound is allowed to heal. As it heals, intermittent periods of sadness arise. This sadness feels cleansing and will leave you feeling lighter.

If your key relationships are fraught with conflict or your roles and responsibilities are out of balance; if you are perpetually worn-out and overwhelmed, if you feel ‘taken-from’, unappreciated and misunderstood much of the time, then your Blindspots and the patterns they contain are, most likely, the culprits.

Chapter Summary

1. Our innate survival drives can be constantly triggered by ‘ordinary stressors’. This creates reactive patterns that are unconscious attempts by the sufferer to find reassurance.

2. There are three common kinds of unconscious reactive patterns called ‘compensation patterns’. These are: Rescuing, Self-Negation and Compulsions.

3. Our patterns are hidden and contained within our ‘Blindspots’.

4. Blindspot Charting reveals our patterns and brings them into the light of our conscious awareness where they dissolve.