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“Slanticulis Meticulous Kawz”

Have you ever seen a skeleton wearing a duffel coat, hobnail boots and fingerless gloves? Or, ever heard of a man that digs up flowers and nurtures weeds in his garden, for that matter? Perhaps you have heard of a man that is so tight fisted that he drinks mugs of hot water because he believes that teabags are a waste of money? Well if you have then you obviously know all about Slanticulis Meticulous Kawz; the meanest, crankiest, cruellest …there just aren’t enough words ending in -est to describe how horrible this old grump could be. Only when miserable can this bony, crooked wasp of a man be said to be happy.

 Acts of kindness revolt him. The very thought of people acting out of the goodness of their hearts sickens him. Slanticulis is a firm believer in looking out for number one. To him, the world would be a much better place if everybody just kept to themselves. This is probably the reason that Slanticulis has lived alone in his crooked, drafty old mansion for the last fifty years or so.  

 In all this time it has rarely been lit or heated by anything other than a single piece of coal. Old miserly Slanticulis doesn’t see the point in wasting money on heat when his battered duffle coat, fingerless gloves and a mug of hot water can do the job for free.

Kawz Manor is a long way out from the town of Happiness and way up the North Road. It is found at the exact spot where the roads are narrowest and the weeds grow wildest. Few people are as passionate about weeds as old Mr. Kawz. He tends to his beloved weed-beds in the manner which a proud gardener usually tends to roses. The front garden of Kawz Manor is a forest of thistles, nettles, dandelions and briars. Thistles are a particular favourite of his. This is mainly due to the fact that they have a knack of pricking ‘nosey little brats’ that climb over the gate to have a snoop around.

Slanticulis Kawz despises children. He hates their cute little voices, their seemingly endless supplies of energy and most of all their curious little minds. The phrase ‘Blessed Are the Children’ is adorned on plaques in many homes. Slanticulis Meticulous Kawz prefers to coin the phrase ‘Blasted Are The Children’ (“especially the snot nosed ones that can’t talk properly and suck on their fingers like simpletons”). Unfortunately for old Slanticulis, children are absolutely fascinated by his creepy old crooked home.

Scaring away curious young minds gives old Slanticulis the most pleasure. The sweeter and cuter the child, the more wicked he behaves. Every now and again local Girl Guides call to his door selling cookies. Of course he couldn’t simply say no and shut the door like any normal person would. Oh no, that would be far too mannerly and polite. Slanticulis’ favourite scare is to act like he intends to buy some cookies by fumbling in his little velvet purse whilst offering praise, “Oh how brave of such a sweet little girl to come all this way on her own, especially, when so many little darlings are being snatched by a bogie man and stuffed into cans of Dog Food”. On cue Tricks would usually bark sending the terrified children running off down the path crying, as fast as their little legs could carry them.

This really has to be the meanest, grouchiest, most despicable old curmudgeon alive. Why am I telling you about Mr. Slanticulis Meticulous Kawz you may be wondering? Well, a number of years ago too many to remember, I heard quite a fantastic story. You see, much to his annoyance the short version of this unusual name is Slanty as Slanticulis doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Funnily enough this strange name when shortened sounds quite like that which belongs to one of the kindest people in the world.  The story of Slanty Kawz who lives along the North Road is one that I hope you will agree deserves to be told. Where exactly or even when this all plays out is not that important right now. What is significant however, is the time of year at which our story begins.  It was the end of November and the Christmas Season was about to begin.