Tamid Skeppeti
Genesis
Genesis:
Noah Gets Drunk And Naked
After Noah and his family finally came out of the ark, Noah decided to plant a vineyard. One night, Noah was drinking some wine he had made and he got very drunk. Because of this, he thought it would be a good idea to take off all of his clothes inside his tent. Eventually, he fell asleep. One of his sons, Ham, came into the tent and saw that his father was naked.[a] Ham, no doubt surprised, went outside the tent to tell his other two brothers what he had seen. His brothers got a garment and walked into Noah’s tent backwards so that they would not see him naked. They turned their heads as they placed the garment over their father so as not to accidentally catch a glimpse and left the tent.
When Noah finally woke up, he learned what had happened. Then, Noah, one of the only men that God thought righteous enough to live through the flood, cursed Canaan. Not Ham, who was the one who had seen him naked, but instead, Ham’s son. Noah cursed his grandson to be the lowest of the lowest of slaves to his brothers and his uncles. (Genesis 9:18-27)
God Curses A King For Someone Else’s Lie
(2 Times And A Close Call)
After he moved out of his father’s lands by God’s command, a famine struck the land that God promised to bless Abram with. So, Abram decided to go to Egypt for a while because the famine was quite severe. On the way to Egypt, Abram told his 65 year old wife, Sarai, that because she’s so beautiful, he is afraid that Egyptians will kill him in order to steal her. So, he asked her to tell everyone that she was his sister so that his life could be spared (It’s only a half lie, because she really was his half-sister). When they entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was beautiful and word eventually traveled to the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh took Sarai into his household to be one of his wives. Because he thought Abram was Sarai’s brother, he gave Abram sheep and cattle, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels. Even so, Abram still did not tell the Pharaoh that Sarai was his wife. Then, God struck the Pharaoh’s household with great plagues because of Sarai. The Pharaoh must have made the connection, because he summoned Abram and asked why Abram had deceived him and brought God’s wrath upon him. Then, he expelled Abram and all of his possessions from Egypt. (Genesis 12:10-20) There are also almost identical stories at Genesis 20:1-17 and Genesis 26:1-17.
In Genesis 20, nearly the same thing happened but this time there was no famine. Abram (Now named Abraham) was in Gerar, and the king’s name there was Abimelech. When Abimelech took Sarai (Now named Sarah) to be his wife, God appeared to him in a dream and told him that he was as good as dead. Abimelech was innocent because he had not even gone near Sarah, so he pleaded with God to not kill him and his family and his people. He explained that he had no idea Sarah was Abraham’s wife because they both had said that they were siblings. Then God said that he knew Abimelech was innocent all along and that he had appeared in this dream to stop him from committing sin. God told Abimelech that Abraham would pray for him to live, but if he didn’t give Sarah back, he and all who belong to him would die. After Abimelech gives Sarah back, along with money and many other presents, as in the first story, Abraham prays for him. Then, God reverses a curse that he had already put on Abimelech without anyone’s knowledge to make every single woman in his household unable to have children.
In Genesis 26, again, close to the same thing happens. Even with the same king! But this time, it is with Isaac and Rebekah, Abraham’s son and daughter in-law. The bible says that there is another famine over the lands God promised to bless Abraham and his descendants with, separate from the first one. But this time, God told Isaac not to go into Egypt, but to go to a different land that would be pointed out for him. If he did this, then God would fulfill for Isaac the promise that he had yet to fulfill for Abraham. After Isaac had been in the land of Gerar for some time, Abimelech happened to look out a window and see Isaac “sporting” or “caressing” or “playing” with his wife (depending on how you translate it), so he summoned Isaac and asked why he had lied about Rebekah being his sister. Abimelech scolded Isaac for lying because anybody could have easily had sex with Rebekah without knowing she was Isaac’s wife. Abimelech commanded nobody to touch Isaac or Rebekah under penalty of death. He must have learned from his first encounter with God that even if you do something in innocence, it doesn’t mean God won’t punish you.
A Beaten Slave Commanded To Return To Her Master
Abram’s wife Sarai had not yet given birth to any children, but she had a female servant named Hagar. So, Sarai told Abram that, since God had not allowed her to have any children, he should have sex with Hagar instead. This way, Sarai could have a family through her servant. So, Sarai gave Hagar to Abram to become his wife, and eventually Hagar became pregnant. But once Hagar became pregnant, she started to despise Sarai (Being forced to become pregnant is an understandable reason to be mad). Because of this, Sarai, for some reason, blamed Abram for Hagar’s behavior and asked that God be the judge between them. Then, Abram told Sarai that since Hagar was her servant, she could do whatever she wanted to Hagar. When Sarai dealt out her punishment to Hagar, the severity of it caused the servant to run away. An angel then came to where Hagar was hiding and asked what she was doing. Hagar told the angel that she was hiding from Sarai. So, the angel commanded Hagar to return to Sarai and submit to her. Then he said he would greatly multiply her descendants. The angel went on to tell Hagar that she must name her baby Ishmael ("heard") because God has heard her pain. Then, the angel said that Hagar’s baby would be a wild man who is hostile toward everyone, and that everyone would also be hostile toward him, and he would live far away from any of his relatives. Hagar returned and had Abram’s son who became named Ishmael. (Genesis 16)
Hundreds of Tips Snipped for God
After renaming Abram into Abraham, God again promised to give Abraham many descendants and lands, but this time under another condition. Abraham and all of his people and descendants, ever, needed to be circumcised. They were required to remove the flesh of their foreskins in order to remind them of Abraham’s deal with God, even though God had already promised Abraham these things for his faithfulness in Genesis 12:1-3 and again in Genesis 15. God went on to specify that Abraham would need to circumcise anyone from his family over 8 days old, whether born or bought as slaves and that anyone who was not circumcised would be cut off completely from his family. Then, God renamed Sarai to Sarah and promised that one day she would have a son. Abraham then circumcised every single man within his house. Back in Genesis 14, Abraham had 318 trained male servants (only ones born within his own house) go to rescue Lot, so it stands to reason he probably had that many or more at this time, between bought servants, untrained ones, and the ones remaining alive from the rescue. That is quite a lot of circumcisions to perform in one day! (Genesis 17)
Lot’s Daughters Get Him Drunk To Have Sex With Him
After Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, and after leaving the city of Zoar in fear, Lot and his two daughters went to live in a cave in the mountains. Eventually, the oldest daughter told her younger sister that their father was old, and that there were no men nearby[b] to have sex with them so that they could have children as was the custom all across the earth. She then asked her sister to help get their father drunk so that they could have sex with him and preserve their family line. So, that night they got Lot drunk and the older sister had sex with him. But Lot was so drunk that he was unaware of it (That’s called rape). In the morning, the older sister told the younger one that since she had sex with their father last night, they should get him drunk again tonight so that the younger sister could also have sex with him. They did just that and Lot was again so drunk that he was unaware of being raped by his younger daughter. Both of his daughters became pregnant and each of them had a son. (Genesis 19:30-38)
The Great Baby Making Contest
After Jacob married Leah and Rachel, God saw that his blessed Jacob did not love Leah, so God made it so that Leah could become pregnant while Rachel would remain childless. Then, Leah gave birth to Jacob’s first son, and she named him Reuben (“behold a son”) because God had pitied her and now surely her husband would love her. When she gave birth to her second son, she named him Simeon (“heard”) because God had heard her when she was unloved by her husband. When she had her third son, she named him Levi (“joined to”) because she had now given Jacob three sons, and she hoped that this time her husband would love her and join to her. When she had her fourth son, she named him Judah (“praise”) because she decided that this time she would praise God.
When Rachel could not give Jacob children, she became jealous of her sister. She told Jacob to give her children or else she would die. Jacob became mad at this and asked her if she thought he were in God’s place, pointing out that God had kept her from having children and not he. So, instead, Rachel told Jacob to have sex with her servant Bilhah so that Rachel could have a family through her. Jacob had sex with Bilhah and she eventually became pregnant and had a son. Rachel claimed the baby and named him Dan (“a judge”) because God had judged her pleas and provided her with a son. Bilhah had a second baby, and Rachel named the baby Naphtali (“wrestling”) because she had struggled against her sister and won.
When Leah did not give birth to any more children, she gave Jacob her servant Zilpah to have sex with. Zilpah had two children and Leah named them Gad (“troop” or “good fortune”) and Asher (“happy”). Then, harvest time came about and Reuben found some mandrake plants and brought them to his mother. Rachel asked Leah for some of the mandrake plants Leah’s son had brought to her. Leah asked of Rachel if it wasn’t already enough that she had stolen Leah’s husband, that now she wanted her son’s plants too. So in exchange for some mandrake plants, Rachel agreed for Jacob to have sex with Leah instead of herself for the night. When Jacob returned from the fields, Leah went out to meet him and told him that he would have to have sex with her because she had bought the right to sleep with him in exchange for her son’s mandrake plants. When Jacob had sex with Leah that night, God listened to Leah and she became pregnant again. Leah named her fifth son Issachar (“there is recompense”) because God had rewarded Leah for giving her servant Ziplah to Jacob to have sex with. Leah became pregnant again and named her sixth son Zebulun (“exalted”) because this time she hoped her husband would honor her for giving him six sons. After that, she also had a daughter who she named Dinah (“judgement”).
Then, God remembered Rachel and allowed her to become pregnant. She had a son whom she named Joseph (“God has added”) in the hopes that God would give her another son. (Genesis 30:1-24)
After God Kills Two Of Judah’s Sons, Judah Accidentally Has Sex With His Widowed Daughter In-Law Because He Thinks She’s A Prostitute
After selling Joseph, Judah left his brothers and found a wife named Shua in Canaan. She gave birth to three sons named Er, Onan, and Shelah. Judah got his firstborn son, Er, a wife named Tamar. But Er was evil in God’s eyes (the bible doesn’t say why) and so God killed him. So, Judah told his secondborn son, Onan, to have sex with the widowed Tamar so that his deceased brother might still be able to have a descendant. Onan knew that if Tamar had a baby, it would not be considered his, but instead it would legally be his deceased brother’s. So every time Onan had sex with Tamar, he would spill his seed onto the ground so that she would not get pregnant. God saw this as evil, and so he killed Onan too. Judah told Tamar to go and live in her father’s house until his only remaining son was grown up enough to also have sex with her and give her a child. Judah did this because he was scared that his last son would be killed by God too.
Later, Judah’s wife died and after he had finished grieving Judah went to travel to Timnah to visit his sheep shearers and a friend. After hearing of this, Tamar took off her widow’s clothes and used a veil to disguise her face. Then, she sat at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the way to Timnah. She did this because Judah’s son, Shelah, had already grown up, and she had not been given to him as a wife in order to have a child. As Judah was travelling, he came across Tamar and thought she was a prostitute because she had covered her face. He turned from the road and asked her to have sex with him, so, she asked him what he would give her in exchange for sex. He said that he would give her a goat from his flock, but she asked how she could know he would actually bring the goat. They agreed that Judah would give her his ring, his cord (or bracelets), and his staff that he had with him. Then they had sex, and after Judah had left, Tamar returned to her widow’s clothes.
When Judah got to Timnah, he had his friend go to take a goat to pay the prostitute for the sex, but his friend could not find her anywhere. He asked some people, but they told him that there was not a prostitute around. So Judah told his friend to let the prostitute keep his things so that she could not say that he had been dishonest, for he had actually tried to send her the goat.
Three months past and Judah was told that Tamar had turned to prostitution and had become pregnant. So, Judah said for Tamar to be brought to him so that she could be burned. When she was brought to Judah, she told him that she was pregnant by the man to whom three items belonged. Then she asked him to identify the items, and Judah recognized them as his ring, his cord, and his staff. Then Judah proclaimed that Tamar was more righteous than himself, because he had denied her the right to have children by his remaining son. He never had sex with her again and she gave birth to twins. (Genesis 38)
[a]The NET Bible translation comments this: "tn Some would translate “had sexual relations with,” arguing that Ham committed a homosexual act with his drunken father for which he was cursed. However, the expression “see nakedness” usually refers to observation of another’s nakedness, not a sexual act (see Gen 42:9, 12 where “nakedness” is used metaphorically to convey the idea of “weakness” or “vulnerability”; Deut 23:14 where “nakedness” refers to excrement; Isa 47:3; Ezek 16:37; Lam 1:8). The following verse (v. 23) clearly indicates that visual observation, not a homosexual act, is in view here. In Lev 20:17 the expression “see nakedness” does appear to be a euphemism for sexual intercourse, but the context there, unlike that of Gen 9:22, clearly indicates that in that passage sexual contact is in view. The expression “see nakedness” does not in itself suggest a sexual connotation. Some relate Gen 9:22 to Lev 18:6-11, 15-19, where the expression “uncover [another’s] nakedness” (the Piel form of גָּלָה, galah"
[b]Some translations change the text from no men in "all the earth" to "no men nearby". Both are equally as preposterous since they have just left the city of Zoar, which undoubtedly had men in it, even if it is just a little city.