To he honest, the flow seems off. And I'm not entirely sure what you're going for here. Is this supposed to be funny? It seems like there are a lot of jokes, but they just kinda fall flat for me. It's a good start, just keep at it. Maybe work on the jokes a little bit and try not to be so repetitive with your words. You use lament or variations of it more often than you need to. 

Take all this with a grain of salt. I haven't had my morning coffee and cigarette yet.