Nov 10, 2015

Extract from Chapter 27 of mystery-comedy novel, 'The Investigations of the Para-Usual': 

O’Singh bowed his head and threw a guiding paw round the shoulder of Dr Pratt back towards the escalator walkway.

‘This is the para-usual thing… we humans are praised all the better if we are positioned slightly higher than everyone else.’

‘You mean in status?’ asked Dr Pratt.

‘No, I mean we hold people aloft when they have achieved something. In the sports arena. The boxer, for instance. You see now this is further to my connection with our boxer and the alternative investment scheme?’

The operatives stepped onto the walkway taking them back to the departure hall.

‘Right. So, boxers are lifted onto shoulders when they triumph,’ said Dr Pratt, slowly catching on.

‘And sports people climb stairs to claim their prize. We have the Football Association Cup winners mounting the steps to receive the trophy at Wembley football stadium; the medal-winning Olympic athletes stepping up onto the dais.’

‘There are three levels aren’t there? The highest step for the winner of the more precious metal, gold, used in the finest jewellery; another slightly lower step for the lesser desired decorative metal, silver; and the lowest for bronze, something you make door knockers out of.’

‘Very important – if you are the winner – you are going to want to take the biggest step upstairs,’ said O’Singh, knowledgeably. ‘And here is a thought… when we have seen our sports team lose to another in a game in which we felt ours was the better side...’

‘Allow me to make a suggestion, O’Singh,’ chimed Dr Pratt. ‘If you’re in the crowd, you could quite as easily chant at the players of the undeserving opposing team going up to receive the cup, something like – and I am going to sing to the tune of “Go West” by the Pet Shop Boys …’

‘Oh yes, is that not indeed a tune oft covered by the a capella chanters in football crowds?’ asked O’Singh.

‘Yes, yes. Here we go,’ said Dr Pratt, clearing his throat before bursting into song:

‘“Stop going upstairs! Come down! You should be going downstairs really, or at the very least along a level!”’

Dr Pratt faltered trying to shoehorn the lyrics as best he could into the Go West tune.

‘That is quite a lot to chant,’ said O’Singh carefully, respectful to the feelings of Dr Pratt he felt he might offend by directly challenging his remark. ‘I have found it does help when you chant, to keep it to a few choice words.’