Chapter 3 The Steins did not look odd or out of place in South Kerry. In fact, they blended in quite well. The Steins lived only two cemeteries away from Dr. Acula’s house. The two love-birds were quietly at home around a small log fire. They were just sitting there, watching television, when Frankie said he was bored after an hour or so. So, he then went over and switched it on. Meanwhile, back at the Castle, in Sangre Acula’s living room, the good doctor was re-reading Dr. Christian Bernard’s book on how he performed his first Heart Transplant. Sangre was aware of the fact that C. Bernard was a Heart Specialist and he himself was a Neuro Surgeon, or Cranium Mechanic, as he liked to call it. But, there really wasn’t much of a difference between them. ‘Well’, he thought to himself, ‘look at Frankie Stein and his girlfriend, Frankeena. Didn’t they turn out just fine? Well, almost anyway. They’re alive. What more do they want? I know too that I took my brother’s identity when he died all those years ago. But I’ve learned quite a bit since then. Frankie was my finest work in progress so far. He is far from perfect, I know that too, but I can make him better. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Anything, I tell you’. He was still talking to himself, with the book open on his lap, page 27, his favourite page, Christian Bernard holding up a heart in his right hand, smiling, his hero, when Gertrude intruded into his private conversation with himself, by entering the room. “Is ‘Coronation Street’ over or has the house burnt down or what? It must be something serious to say you came in here” he asked her. “Yes, it is. The reality of “Corrie”. Now I have to face you, fiction” This was the usual banter that kept their marriage alive. “Even the Steins refuse to watch that rubbish” “The Steins can’t watch anything thanks to you. Even Vincent Browne is too much for them” “I can only work with what I am given”. “Ah. So you want to blame Burke and Hare or maybe your tools” “I’m not blaming anyone. All I’m saying is that his, or the, brain was fine when I put it in his skull. It’s probably because it’s Irish, that’s the only conclusion I can come to...not Kerry or Cork. All Ireland. I’ll just have to prove it by getting a German Donor.” “Why don’t you try it on an American?” “An American? Are you crazy? Can you imagine the Steins with American brains? They’d be putting up flags outside their house every day and saluting them on the 4th July, chasing Turkeys and hugging everyone, saying ‘Have a nice day’. Then they’d probably go down to the National School and start shooting all the children. An American’s brain is already dysfunctional without giving it a Frankie Stein body. Anyway, what did you come in for? My living room is my sanctuary.” 15 “More like a mortuary, if you ask me. Oh, yeah. I meant to tell you earlier” “Tell me what?” “What was it again? Wait....” “Christ. Coronation Street has your brain turned into a golf ball, without the bounce” “Don’t be so damn smart or I won’t tell you at all.” “Are you sure you were born in Bavaria and not Ballyclough? Are you sure your father was a German?” “That’s it. I’ve got it. A German man died the other day in the Finian’s Bay Area. I saw it in ‘The Kerryman’, or ‘The Kingdom’. He is to be buried locally in a few days’ time. He was only 27 years old. I just thought it might interest you.” “It certainly does. Yes, indeed. How did he die? Do you know? Did it say in the paper?” “Yeah. Something about a freak accident.” “A freak accident. I hope his head wasn’t damaged.” “No. It said his wife killed him. She’s a freak. You know, Sangre, not all Germans are as sharp as Dermot Casey’s chainsaws. Funnily enough, all his chainsaws are German made. STIHL.” “How smart can he have been for a German, coming to live in Ireland and marrying a freak.....I won’t answer that mien liebe shön” “Do you think you can save him, I mean his cerebro?” “Yes. But I’ll have to find a carrier”. “Like Stein?” “No. Stein is made up from three to four different heads and various other parts. Very complicated.” “What would happen if you put a male brain into a female body?” “Em, a good question. I’d suppose you’d have something like Daniel O’Donnell. I’m very excited now about this new project. Just what the doctor ordered. Can you get hold of those two drunks, Burke and Hare? Fast.” “I’ll call the Mallow Gardaí. They’ll know where they are for sure.” “Good idea, love. I’m excited now. Think I’ll wash my hair. Frankie Stein told me how he dries his hair.”