CHAPTER 3: A LIST OF PLACES TO SEE AND DIE IN, BEFORE YOU DIE

I reached out and picked up my cup of coffee from the table.

"I don’t know," I said, taking a sip. "I guess, I was always into art, drawing, culture, that sort of thing. It really went against my mother, I guess, she was so traditional, and art was such a difficult thing to grasp."

I put the cup back down.

"So, yeah, that’s why I chose to go into design," I said.

The short man sitting opposite me nodded. He was in his early-40s, with salt-and-pepper hair, wearing a pair of thin wire-frame glasses that only served to accentuate his crow’s feet. We were in an office that more closely resembled a library, wall-to-wall surrounded by shelves that were filled with books.

I was seated on the furthest end of a black leather sofa that could easily hold three people, while the man opposite me sat upright, stiffly, in a cream wooden chair with an iPad in his hands. He had a stern expression on his face, stoic and measured, that gave off the air of deceptive calm and supernatural stillness.

"And did your mother ever resolve those issues with you pursuing your passion?" Dr. Lowe asked me.

I shook my head. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Dr. Lowe studied me. "It’s important."

I looked up at the ceiling. "I’m not answering this."

Dr. Lowe tapped out something on his iPad.

"You’re writing that down, too," I shook my head.

"Answer the question, and I’ll tell you why it’s important," Dr. Lowe said.

I sighed. "When I started rising through the ranks of Decor, then yes, my mother began to see it as a career. Though of course she still found the pay horribly disappointing, she stopped judging me so much."

"Was that an improvement?" Dr. Lowe asked.

I stared at him dead in the eyes. "Explanation, now."

"Why are you so afraid?" Dr. Lowe asked.

"Afraid!" I laughed. "Gosh, Kelly needs to hear this."

"You seem scared. Of something," Dr. Lowe said, and he resumed tapping on his iPad.

"It’s only been a week, doc," I said. "Don’t think you know everything there is to know about me."

"In this week we’ve had three sessions already," Dr. Lowe said. "Usually I do once a week."

"I’m dying," I said, with a tad bit of grandiose than I had intended. "Gotta make the days count."

"I cleared my schedule for you," Dr. Lowe said, and despite myself, his words elicited a tinge of guilt. "I want you to tell me the truth, or this is not going to work out."

"Fine," I said. "My mother was quite judgmental. Especially when things didn’t pan out the way she expected them to."

Dr. Lowe opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off with a palm out. "Yes," I said. "I have inherited that quality of hers, the need to plan and prepare for everything."

A smile crossed Dr. Lowe’s lips.

It was a slow grin, that stretched across his face, and it reminded me at once of both the skeleton in Dr. Elkins’ office and a playful child who had just been given a new toy.

"I’ll admit it," I said. "But to be honest, that’s about the only thing of her that I see in myself. And that’s it."

"And now that you’re in the same predicament as her... do you want to actively oppose being like her?" Dr. Lowe said.

Ouch. Effective.

I thought about it for a second. "No," I said. "Not really. It’s not her I’m opposed to. It’s... the cancer I’m opposed to. The way she died. Those final days. I’m opposed to that. I don’t want that, but I already knew it."

Imagining my mother again, on the hospital bed, made a shiver run down my spine.

"So what are you afraid of?" Dr. Lowe said. "This fear... of letting go."

I thought about it. "It’s... letting go. I’m not used to it, I guess. Not that I’m afraid of it."

"No, no," Dr. Lowe said. "You are afraid of something."

I thought about it some more. "I don’t think so. I’m scared of snakes, yes, but who isn’t?"

Dr. Lowe looked down at his notes. "Our last session, you said you were going to take a trip to Asia. Have you decided where?"

"Yes," I nodded. "Asia’s most haunted destinations."

***

Kelly’s mouth dropped open, the day before, when I told her where I had made up my mind to go.

"You’re fucking kidding me!" she exclaimed. "Why? Why would you do that?"

We were in a coffee shop, a small outdoorsy-organic-farmer’s-market-fair trade-only sort of coffee place. I had finished my final three days of work at Decor, and Tania had finally given her blessing for me to take my two weeks sabbatical, but not before telling the whole office about my breakup with Brian, and how I had yelled at him to get out of my house once I had discovered him cheating.

"You’re horrible, by the way," Kelly said. "Terrible person."

"Oh, he’s gonna cheat anyway," I waved it off. "Look at him. Roving eye, roving mind. It’s just a matter of time. Might as well get there quicker, huh?"

Then she asked about my plans for the next two weeks, and the incredulity began.

I shrugged, looking down at my salad. Fat load of help it would do now, eating healthily, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.

"It’s something I like," I said. "Scary places. And what better way to go check them out, than on a bucket list trip?"

"Wow, so edgy," Kelly rolled her eyes. "A list of places to see and die in, before you die."

"Ironic, right?" I laughed. "It sounds like a book. Like a cooler version of Eat, Pray, Love."

"Eat, Pray, Die," Kelly suggested.

"How to Die When You’re Dying," I said.

"For Dying Girls Who Have Considered A Haunting," Kelly said.

"Good one!" I laughed.

Kelly narrowed her eyes. "Wait, what if you really get haunted?"

"Well," I paused to pretend considering. "Only one choice then. I’ll just speed up my own process and join her for some rockin’ afterlife fun!"

Kelly laughed. "Have you decided on the locations?"

"Yup," I said, pulling out my iPhone and showing her an itinerary.

"Starting in Japan," I said. "Of course, you gotta start big, so - "

"- the haunted forest!" Kelly exclaimed. "Oh, my God!"

"Suicide forest, to be exact," I said. "But yes. A little touristy and overdone, but it’s fall now, so apparently there’ll be fewer people."

"Oh, my God," Kelly said. "That’s awesome."

"It’s called Aokigahara," I said. "At the base of Mt. Fuji."

"So cool," Kelly said. "I wish I could join you."

"You could bring your kids along," I said. "I’m sure their parents wouldn’t mind. Field trip!"

Kelly laughed. "After that?"

"Then it’s on to Thailand, going down south," I said. "Many, many haunted places. I’ve shortlisted two temples I’m visiting in Bangkok."

"Don’t know much about Thailand, but cool."

"Finally: Singapore," I concluded. "A city-state of modern Asia, but apparently it hides some really spooky places."

"Like a veneer hiding some deep dark secrets," Kelly said.

"Can’t wait to uncover them," I said, and I clicked my iPhone to sleep.

"Are you sure about this, though?" Kelly asked, spearing a piece of lettuce from her salad. "I mean... it’s uncommon for sure, but you really want to do this?"

"It’s my bucket list," I said. "I love horror movies, and this is like living my own horror movie."

"But alone," Kelly said. "What if you get abducted by some human traffickers and end up as, I don’t know, a sex slave?"

I held up two fingers. "First of all, look at me. Second of all, I would only be a sex slave for what, a few months? At least I’d... go out with a bang," I winked.

"Oh, God," Kelly said. "How about if they kidnap you and harvest your kidneys? Then you’d be dying -- and you wouldn’t have your kidneys."

"One less organ for the cancer to spread to," I said. There was a tad bit too much bitterness in my voice. It surprised me, although Kelly hadn’t picked up on it.

"What if you get possessed?"

"Look," I said. "I’m going to dedicate myself to this trip. You’re right. I have to really just do what I want to do, and then, you know, we’ll see what comes after. I can’t think so far ahead now, not when ’ahead’ means lots of pain and suffering."

Kelly paused to consider. "Okay," she said. "Just... don’t do anything crazy. You’ve got people who love you here. We care about you, we want you to... get promoted, find a new boyfriend who won’t cheat. If there’s even any chance this cancer can be beat, let’s try it."

I didn’t say anything. Kelly sure was hopeful.

She sensed my reticence, so she eased off the gas, leaned back in her seat.

"I got a real question though."

I looked at her in the eyes.

"What if you get possessed?"

I laughed.

***

Oh God, what if I did?

The day before my flight out to Japan, I couldn’t sleep. Kelly’s words had stuck in my brain, and I wondered what happened if I truly got possessed. I assumed I would have no control over my body or be aware of my situation - so in the case of that occurrence, the likelihood that I wouldn’t get to the airport and make it back to America was high. I would be stuck in who-knows-where in Asia, alone and powerless, something that suddenly made me more afraid than anything I had ever seen or heard about in movies or on the Internet.

That train of thought then led to the matter of my impending demise. I was already alone and powerless in the face of this new development, I thought. What was one more, for the road?

That calmed me down a little, which pleasantly surprised me. I had never been the kind to just take another thing in my stride, but now, here I was, just flippantly shrugging off the possibility of getting possessed in a foreign country.

Already, I thought, the storm of change has come.

***

"I’m afraid of dying," I said to Dr. Lowe.

It was our last therapy session before I left for Japan, our fifth in just two weeks.

"Good," Dr. Lowe said. He adjusted himself and leaned forward a little in his chair. "Why is that so?"

If I had looked a little confused, it was because I was. "Who isn’t afraid of dying?" I asked.

"People are afraid of dying for different reasons," Dr. Lowe said. "Your reason for being afraid can be completely different from someone else’s."

I laughed. "I don’t know. It’s death! The big unknown! The greatest question religion and science alike has tried to solve, and failed. It freaks everyone out."

"Is that why you like horror stuff so much?" Dr. Lowe glanced down at his iPad.

"No," I said. "Horror is different. It’s like riding a rollercoaster. It’s exciting, it’s thrilling."

"So you’re a thrillseeker," Dr. Lowe said. "But yet, this is your first trip out of Asia. This is your first trip anywhere outside of the continental United States, in fact. You would think a thrillseeker would have gone looking for some thrills sooner."

"I’m not a thrillseeker, per se," I said. I felt my cheeks turning red. "I... like scary stuff, that’s all. Why is that even a matter of contention?"

Dr. Lowe smiled, the same eerie grin that betrayed some sort of "Aha!" moment going on behind his calm facade.

"Because you’re going on a ghost hunt in Asia," he said. "No one does that. No one in their right mind goes all the way there... for thrills. There’s something more."

"Well, hello there honesty," I said. "It’s not a ghost hunt. I’m not actively looking for ghosts."

"But you’re hoping to see one."

"Well," I said. "I’m hoping not to get possessed."

"And yet you’re going to look for some," Dr. Lowe said. "Tell me how does that work?"

My face was definitely heating up.

"It’s been an interest of mine, in horror," I said.

"I see. Your mother into it? Your dad?" he asked.

"No," I said, and I could see where he was going with this. "None of my family is. Only me."

"You’re addressing something here," Dr. Lowe said.

"No, I’m not," I said. My face was getting hotter.

"Yes, you are. And this bucket list is a major issue you’re addressing," Dr. Lowe said. "What are you addressing?"

"I... no, I’m not," I fumbled.

"What are you addressing?" he pressed.

"I don’t know, OK?" I yelled. "I want to go and have a nice holiday in places I’ve read about online, is that so much of a problem?"

The silence after that was deafening. It was a few seconds of silence, maybe even a minute. I was just staring at Dr. Lowe, and he was just staring at me.

"Sit down, Jenny," Dr. Lowe said.

I realized I had gotten to my feet.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and sat back down.

"No problem at all," Dr. Lowe said, and I had a feeling he wasn’t replying to my question just a minute ago. There was a thread of silky steeliness in his voice, and the eerie smile on his face had melted back into stoicism. "I think we’re done here."

"Yes," I said. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just nodded, and repeated. "Yes."

"Time’s up," Dr. Lowe said. "Don’t you have a plane to catch?"

"Yes," I said again. I got up, grabbed my purse off the couch. "Thanks, Dr. Lowe. I’ll... see you."

"When you come back," Dr. Lowe said. "You let me know."

I nodded, then turned, and fled the scene of the crime.

Next Chapter: I Don’t Believe In Raw Fish