The power of words

It wasn’t illegal when it happened, and with time the image of a middle-aged man running at my buttocks, armed with a 4-foot piece of bamboo as I clutched my ankles, certainly appears increasingly, disturbingly wrong. But that was the price I paid for keeping my trap shut.

It was 1987 and corporal punishment was still a thing in New Zealand schools, although sometime before graduation it had disappeared from the repertoire of disciplining techniques. But in hindsight I consider myself lucky to be able tell my kids how tough school was ‘back in the day’.

It did not matter that I was undeserving of such punishment. I had been accused of throwing sawdust in people’s faces which was not accurate. The fellow on the other side of my workbench had blown a handful of sawdust in my face when I had leant down to examine my work and I was the one who had sawdust in my eyes and I had returned the favour by sprinkling a handful on his back when he wasn’t looking, which wasn’t nearly as bad as what he had done.

Mr Rodgers caught me in the act and deemed it a serious risk in the woodwork room and took it one step further and suggested I had been throwing it in people’s faces. When he asked me if there was anything more I’d like to say I had only moments to decide my fate.

I could lay the blame at my co-worker’s feet. He did deserve it and we were not friends and would eventually come to blows, but by the age of thirteen and only in my first year of high school, I knew that we weren’t supposed to tell, aka ‘nark’ or ‘dob’ fellow pupils in.

I explained that I hadn’t thrown anything in anyone’s face but Mr Rodgers had made up his mind. Safety was paramount and I deserved six of the best.

Many teachers were infamous for their caning techniques but Mr Rodgers was known as the most vicious due to his years working with wood and metal. He had big calloused hands and biceps where the veins stood out like the body builders had, and could swing a cane harder than anyone else.

As if being struck by the strongest teacher at school wasn’t bad enough, he made me stand at one end of the corridor while he took a running leap at my butt.

I didn’t cry but the intensity of the pain does make your eyes water, but fortunately I didn’t have to receive the full six strokes as the cane broke on the third strike, which was just as well as I could feel a trickle of blood drip down my legs.

When I went back to class for a brief moment in time, I was deemed a hero. I had taken my punishment and kept my trap shut. I hadn’t spilled the words that would have condemned a fellow student to a public beating.

I could probably have simply left this chapter with the words ‘Keep your trap shut’ and left the following pages blank because we all know the power of words to pardon, condemn, or clear our name, but not so much the value in silence.

We’ve all had moments when we regret the words that escape our lips, sometimes instantly and other times at a later date as they come back to bite us days, weeks or even years later.

In today’s climate of viral success I should add that keeping your trap shut also applies to stopping your wandering fingers from doing the talking, and avoiding making things worse with hasty Twitter and Facebook comments.

But keeping silent or saying less is nothing new and even our ancient texts advise it. From Mohammed Ali, Frances Bacon to King Solomon (purportedly the wisest man who ever lived) they all agree there is value in silence, although one of my favorites is from King Solomon - ‘The more words, the less the meaning.’

Some believe King Solomon to be a myth, and that’s ok, because my goal is not to prove or disprove anicent figures, but to help us appreciate and hopefully apply the words of the wise that have withstood the test of time.

But if ancient texts don’t interest you, take my dad’s advice because it just so happens that he’s usually right and he says something similar:

 ‘If you’ve got nothing nice to say, keep your trap shut.’

I wish I’d paid it more attention in my younger days, especially at school, which I’ll get to in a bit. But if you’ve never opened a bible, pondered the words of Confucius or know nothing of philosophy or great thinkers, then you’re just like me, well, at least the sort of me I was for the first 40yrs of my life.

Even our childhood rhymes talk about words and their power or supposed lack of, and I’m sure you’ve all heard the following rhyme:

Sticks and stones

May break my bones

But words will never hurt me

The thing is, as a kid I wanted this to be true, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how utterly inaccurate this rhyme is. Words may sting like a mosquito that we brush off or wound us deeply to our very core and last a lifetime.

I can recall every fight I had in school. I remember blood pouring from my broken nose when the class bully - whose dad was a boxing coach - decided to rearrange my face one day in my first month at high school.

I got over it in a few weeks time, and eventually over the course of the year we let it go and were able to (if not be best friends) get along. The scars disappeared.

It’s surprising how quickly you get over the physical stuff that happens to you, but what hurt the most, and took years to work out, were the words uttered on my first day, all because of my ‘homogrips.’

It turns out the tufts of hair hanging in front of my ears were handles that men used to hold onto as they took me from behind. As a result my name for the first two years of high school was ‘homogrips’ or ‘gripper’ for short.

It would have been tough enough if I was gay, but it’s pretty much the worst insult to give a 13yr old kid on his first day, especially in an all-boys’ high school.

The name stuck, but the venom with which people used it varied. I would happily take another caning, punch up (with broken nose included) if it meant I didn’t have to put up with those words for two miserable years.

Words have power, to wound or heal, and so often less really is more, although I discovered this when I wrote my first book.

When I wrote my first book, I had no writing experience at all. I’d pieced together a collection of vignettes based on a lifetime of work as a nurse, but in my naiveté thought it would be only a matter of time before I’d find a publisher and begin selling millions of books and becoming rich.

By the time my first editor was finished with it, my 400-page book had been cut down to 100 pages. It took me 6 months to motivate myself to write again.

In the case of my writing skills, the harsh words were couched with good advice and made me a better writer – and here I am at your mercy putting my words to the test.

All throughout history people have been moved by words, by powerful speeches, for good or ill, from Lincoln’s Gettysburg address, Churchill’s ‘Fighting on the beaches’ to Martin Luther King’s ‘I have a dream’.

Such words move people and wielded the right way, can touch the heart of a nation, or harden it. Great speakers can turn words into weapons, or swords into ploughshares.

When words are cradled in poem or song, they come alive. Rarely do I see a teenager walking down the street who doesn’t have something plugged into his or her ears as the lyrics are embedded into their minds to the beat of a drum.

This is nothing new and Andrew Fletcher, a seventh century Scottish writer and political activist famously wrote:

‘Give me the songs of a nation, and I care not who makes its laws.’

In more recent history, most of us have heard the story behind Eric Clapton’s ‘Tears in heaven’ as he asks if his four-year-old son, who died in a tragic accident, would know him in heaven. I suspect some of us have cried at these words, especially if we’ve experienced such loss.

I don’t think there’s a person on the planet who hasn’t been hurt or healed by words. We sometimes pause and appreciate the power in them, but we rarely give thought to the power in silence, and the art of keeping your words to a minimum.

The power of silence aka keeping your trap shut

There’s a reason everyone loves a dog – a dog wags his tail, not his tongue.

I wish I could take credit for that line, but it was a pastor I heard somewhere back in New Zealand and I suspect he doubled as a farmer. But he’s far from the first person to speak about the value of keeping your trap shut, and I’ve heard plenty more great lines over the years.

One verse that resonates with me:

‘Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise.’  

I’ve made a fool of myself far too often and wish I’d heard this verse decades ago, but then there is the chance I wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

I first heard that line well before the invention of the Internet, let alone Google, and thought the person who said it very wise indeed. But now, thanks to Google, you can insert such passages and find out that many of them go back thousands of years. You’ll find the above verse mentioned in the Bible in the appropriately titled chapter called Proverbs.

It’s an interesting exercise to Google ‘Passages about keeping your trap shut.’ Here’s a couple more that Google came up with:

Proverbs 29:20

Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

That’s a pretty harsh statement, but I wonder how many of you have ever been angry with someone, maybe a friend or your place of work, perhaps your boss, and in your anger you’ve penned a scathing email.

What you say in that email may be 100% accurate, but your friend or colleague tells you to sleep on it, or at least wait a little before pressing send.

I’ve made this mistake and learned the hard way to pause, sleep on it if possible, and then write something much calmer the following day.

Another favorite is Proverbs 17:27

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

I’m not going to pretend I’m full of knowledge or wise with what I do know. I also fall short of this standard because whenever I learn something new or gain a thoughtful insight, I find myself unable to restrain myself and end up blurting it out to anyone that will listen.

I feel that most of it is due to excitement – I cannot not, share good news or insight, but I have to admit there is a tiny bit of me that does like the idea of coming across as wise and all knowing.

I have made progress, and if you make the effort to discover the wisdom in those who have gone before, it will humble you, and probably make life a little easier. Now I keep things to myself, give greater thought before opening my mouth, and am more selective in whom I share my thoughts with.

Not everyone wants to hear your thoughts, not everyone will interpret them that same was as you and some will use them against you.

 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces”Matt 7:6

This tidbit is something you should keep to yourself – you’re not supposed to tell it to people you’re debating or arguing with. People get angry and accuse you of calling them pigs. But knowing when a discussion or debate can be fruitful or a waste of effort, makes life a bit easier.

I’m sure many of you have been drawn into a discussion online and despite providing facts, figures and arguments (no matter how rational) all you get in return is dishonesty, deception, mockery and even threats.

In doing so I’ve become less fiery (most of the time) and more even-tempered, although that is an ongoing process as I do love a good debate, but knowing when people are ready to listen is a great skill.

To help hone this skill I try to do the following when getting into a serious discussion:

I ask myself what I hope to get out of this? Am I in it to understand, to be understood or both? This isn’t about right or wrong, but if you go into a conversation with a clear understanding of what you want, it helps avoid misunderstanding. Make sure you know what motivates you. Are you in to coerce, connect, understand or discover?

Since I’ve been practicing this I’ve found that I spend much less time in pointless arguments in person and especially online, and when I do get into a debate I don’t have to have the last word and I don’t have to win. If the goal is to learn – you’ll win every time, even if all you learn is the other person is not ready, worth the effort or even a fool. I’ve become more comfortable with silence.

Are you ready to hear words of wisdom about the value of silence that have passed down through the ages from cultures all over the world?

Lao Tzu described silence as a source of great strength, while Confucius sees silence as a true friend that never betrays. Muhammed Ali reckons silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer, while Cicero describes it as one of the great arts of conversation.

If great people from vastly different backgrounds, spread throughout history can agree on this one thing, then perhaps we should not only pay attention, but at least consider applying such wisdom to our lives. But it’s easy to keep quiet when things are going well, or events don’t affect you, but it’s a different story keeping quiet when you’re provoked, although often this is the best time to keep your trap shut.  

Maybe you’ve decided you would like to keep your trap shut a little more often but don’t think you have the willpower to do so, or maybe you have a habit of speaking before your thoughts have had a chance to think things through and feel you can’t change habits. But there is a simple technique that will help immensely, which is rule number two