Cold. That was what I felt when it happened. People think that when your chest is mostly replaced by air, Wyou feel pain. In my case, I didn’t feel it, at least not right away. When I looked down, I could clearly see a void space where my heart, lungs and ribs should be. Alright, it wasn’t that big: I could see my heart beating weakly beside what should be a lung and not a disfigured piece of meat. To give those people who think you are in so much pain you would beg to die quickly, I must say that the moment I hit the ground was most likely when my brain decided to register the fact I had just lost most of my chest.

Looking up, darkness covering what I could actually see, I managed to distinguish five forms above me, their silhouettes dark against the brightness of the ceiling. There was one of those metal fancy things where you put candles to light a place. Rich people had it... what was its name again? Give me a minute and I will probably remember it...

Are you really stopping the story just to remember what a fucking chandelier is? For real?

Yeah, that’s right! A chandelier! And what are you complaining about anyway? This was my death I am talking about, not yours, for God’s sake!

True enough, but should I remind you that my own death happened like... two minutes prior? I mean, it wasn’t as badass and tragic as being betrayed by those you thought as your comrades, but still...

Could you let me finish the story here? I thought you wouldn’t butt in when I was the one recording.

Sure, my lord! I promise I will try my best not to interrupt such a fascinating tale. ...*for the beginning at least*...

What was that?

Nothing.

Where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right. The dark figures were above me and, just as my noisy companion just spoiled, they had betrayed me by slashing my lungs outside my breast. Those five were among the greatest people I had ever met in my short life and over the period of... four years, I think? Well, I got to know them pretty well, as we traveled together during the campaign.

Hey...

What is it?

Look, not wanting to criticize or anything, but totally doing it... don’t you think that anyone listening to this thing will be confused out of their minds if you just start like that, no context at all?

I wanted to make the audience curious about what was happening before revealing the whole truth. It is a technique to make them excited to find out more.

Yeah, sure... but I think you should just go straight to the point and save time for when this story truly starts. These recording crystals are neither cheap or easy to make, so cut the bloody content in the prologue to a minimum.

...

So?

I hate when you are right... fuck, I really do!

Alright, as that bastard put so well, I can’t lose much time over the prologue, as the main story will be rather long. To sum it all up, the prologue will be about the time before I... changed into what I am today.

And turned into what you became famous.

That too. As I was saying, let’s go to the beginning.

Bloody finally!

Shut up! As I was saying, I was born in the Arthurian Empire like many children before me and just like them, I became an orphan rather early in my life. But I was adopted soon after, so it didn’t bother me so much.

Then why the heck are you add it to the story?

A couple of merchants gave me a decent education, some love even when they had to spend most of their time working. Till I was ten, I thought I would become a merchant just like my old man, but fate had much bigger plans, now that I remember it.

We have in our world this thing called “Child of Fate”, a person who is born destined to do great things and at the time there were five of them in the “civilized world” of humans, elfs, dwarfs and so on. The birth of so many was seen as a sign from the heavens as an imminent cataclysm and those sages who spend their whole lives looking at signs of such events finally got the miracle of being correct.

In the west, the Demon King raised an army of demons of many races and tribes, literally unifying them under his banner. Rumors of him building warships to march on the Elven Empire reached us in the East and an unified army was created. Being a ten years old whose head was filled with tales of heroes and mighty swords, I wanted to go there above all else. My parents tried their best to dissuade me, probably because of the idea of a brat like me going to war scared the shit out of them.

Man, imagine how different things would be had they got their way?

Scary, right? Anyhow, the only reason I managed to go was because those five amazing people, the Children of Fate, passed by our city and took a liking to me. So, I ended up as the squire of the Hero, the one they called their leader. Try to imagine the most cliché image you have of a heroic figure and he would fit on that, no problems at all.

Sure, he was truly on another level from common humans. He probably had the second best ass in the story of asses! Seriously, I must admit that I would lose concentration when looking at that spectacular...

Yeah, he was the prime example of what human beauty should be, alright. He was perfect in every sense of the word.

Except by his personality...

Yeah, there was that alright. He was sincerely an ass once we sailed to the western lands of the Demon Continent. Of course, there were the other four heroes that joined him as children of the fate. The Paladin...

Breastless young princess.

The Bard...

Trying too hard for my tastes, but with decent abs.

The Cleric...

It should be a crime to cover those amazing bazoombas!

And the Archer.

The one no parent in their sane mind would allow a child nearby.

Could you stop these comments? At least show some respect, dammit! They fought against the Demon King!

Do you really think I memorize the name of people? I take a physical trait I find desirable or disgusting and brand them with it. Hell, I only remember your name because I was the one who named you after the war!

You are truly disgusting...

Wasn’t there a sixth one? The hot blue-haired lady with the big boobs? It was such a marvelous time seeing those ginormous tits moving around...

We only met her two years later, when the war was still in progress at its peak. So, remember how my head was filled with heroic tales and stuff? Well, I learned quite fast that war wasn’t anything like that. It was brutal, chaotic, terrifying and outright nasty. I had to adapt quickly or I would be left behind, dead over a gutter. Heck, there was a time I had to hold my guts so they wouldn’t spill out!

How the fuck did you survive that?!

The Cleric was nearby. The point is: those four years I spent fighting were hellish and hardened me up like nothing before. I couldn’t cry at night or the Hero would mock and beat me up so I could “tough it up”, so to say.

Sure, bring along a ten years old to the battlefield. Better yet, don’t expect him to shit his own pants in fear!

I think I actually did it...

Seriously? I was kinda joking...

I was ten years old!

Are you sure you want this recorded?

We can’t exactly go back now, can we? I already used nearly an entire crystal and I don’t want to repeat this damn thing over again. Well, after two years in the front, some demons joined us and we got the Sorceress, who despite not being a child of fate, was a sight to behold.

You surely mean that those tits were a sight to behold, right?

I mean the woman herself and her magical abilities!

As a man, you should have paid attention to those natural wonders. Seriously, how does she deal with the pain in the back?

Let’s not sidetrack here!

Alright...

Let’s just move the thing when the war ended, alright? Well, the joined forces of humans, elfs, dwarfs, orcs and the like sieged the fortress of the Demon King after four years of terrible battles. And with great effort and sacrifice, they broke inside the black fortress and the six heroes (and me) went to their final battle against the Demon King.

And they met the epitome of beauty and sexiness, with the third greatest ass in the history of the world, enough magical knowledge to make any scarred wizard suck his balls and a kind heart on the level of the saints!

He was pretty modest too.

You think? Then he was that one too.

The final battle was truly epic. The gigantic throne room was filled with magic flying around by the dozens, each hero working together to face a clearly superior enemy, one they couldn’t face on their own. It gave me a good feeling inside to be part of it.

Weren’t you hiding at the back? Like... behind a curtain or something?

Yeah... I was.

Then you didn’t join them in the fight, right?

Truly, I didn’t fight the Demon King in the more heated moments, but when the dust settled and only the he remained among the fallen heroes, the Sorceress was even knocked out, I knew I had to do something. I would die if they were killed anyway, so I did the greatest suicide attack of the world.

The Demon King was laughing at the brat running at him with an enchanted dagger in his hands, yelling a pitiful war cry. It was plainly ridiculous.

It must have been. But let’s not forget the result of my actions: I killed the Demon King, despite the lack of class and finesse in my attack.

Yeah, you did that alright. The guy was waiting for you to get nearby to blast you into oblivion when you tripped over your own shoes’ lace, flew a meter or two and landed right on top of him, sticking the bloody dagger into his chest by accident. If there ever was plot armor in history, that was the moment.

I didn’t believe I would do it either! Mine was so closed when I lost my balance that not even an atom could pass by it! Thinking about it now, it seemed like I would never be able to shit after that!

But the happiness of defeating the guy was short lived, since I had my chest slashed when I got up, barely able to believe I was alive and well. The five heroes, who I thought were my allies, had tried to kill me. I still remember the feeling of powerless I felt at the moment.

Don’t forget the moment when they destroyed both your body and the Demon King, even though you were still alive. They literally turned you into human kebab. And not the delicious kind!

They were truly... demons make kebab out of humans?

Why you asking?

You said “not the delicious kind”! Is there human kebab that is delicious?

Don’t know, never tasted the stuff to find out. But there is a tribe of ogres in an island somewhere that consumes humans, elfs and things like that. Apparently they have this elf tart that is some type of foodgasm and...

That’s fucking gross!

Don’t judge an entire culture with the same standards as yours!

Still disgusting! Anyhow, let’s finish this bloody thing already.

Agreed.

And then I died, wondering what had I done to make them murder me like that.

Maybe because you stole their big moment? An unknown squire killing the Demon King would cause quite the stir, wouldn’t it?

True enough. So, I think that’s everything related to my death, isn’t it? Nothing left behind?

Nothing that won’t be shown in future recordings. Let’s not waste any more time to start this story or the audience may get bored. So, want to start talking?

I will do most of the talking and you will just make a comment here and there for comic relief. This way we will seem original without actually doing anything different.

Hum... buddy?

Then we sell the rights for the future books, make them into movies, series, animated series and toys. And we can retire to a tropical country with all that money and...

The recording is still going on...

FUCK! Why didn’t you warn me?!

I didn’t think you would be so stupid as to reveal the whole plan to the fucking audience!

You son of a...

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