Apr 14, 2016

Dear Mr. Sugar Smack,

Firstly, thank you for your business again this tax season. As usual your financial situation presents some unique challenges for myself and the tax codes of our great country. Working with you certainly keeps me on my toes! Accounting, like pimpin’, ain’t easy but I assure you it is necessary.

I am writing to respond to the various inquires you texted last night:

1. I’m sorry to say you may not write off your condom purchases. While I agree it is a necessary piece of safety equipment for your employees, attempting to use it as a tax deduction would be tantamount to admitting that your employees have sex for money, which as we have discussed repeatedly, is illegal.

2. Regarding the medical expenses stemming from the Repetitive Strain Injuries to your “Pimp Hand” you may only write off the amount for the year that exceeds 7.5% of your adjusted gross income. This unfortunately will not apply as you did not exceed that amount.

3. As you know, to write off the $7500 rims for your work vehicle, you need to adequately demonstrate that A: they were a necessary purchase and B: that they significantly increased the value of your business. I think you have achieved this with your extensive spreadsheet on the subject. Thank you for your excellent documentation. Quick question before referencing the depreciation chart, are they spinners?

4. If your pimp chalice is officially recognized by the Vatican, you will be able to write of a percentage of its value next year after you gift it to Rooster. Just be sure to have it appraised by a reputable antiquities dealer and keep a copy of that written documentation.

I think that addresses all of your concerns. If you have any other questions don’t hesitate to contact me.

Respectfully,

Roland Crestfield, C.M.A., C.P.A.

Check out Landon’s novel Monkey Business and share it with your peoples. Coming May 24, 2016 from Quill.

Happy freaking tax day homies.