I’m an all american journalist, he’s a skeptical alien who came to earth to umm to... "Hey, why did you come to earth again?"

"Oh I heard you earthlings were hilarious, thought I’d pop by to see what all the fuss was about. Not that I actually get it or anything I really don’t find you that amusing."

"Ok."

Together we fight crime.

"Hey what are you writing."

"Nothing."

"We don’t fight crime, I crash at your place and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"You stopped a pickpocket once."

"Only because I tripped over him."

"Well you stopped a crime."

"More like I occasionally trip up petty thieves while you stand there with your jaw on the ground looking like a numskull doing nothing."

"Well it sounds more exciting when you say it this way."

"How about a more accurate but still exciting, in a world where everyone seems to be off their rocker two people."

"You’re an alien."

"One person and their dashing alien friend sit around eating jelly and peanut butter sandwiches."

"That’s not exciting at all."

"But it is you see you were expecting me to say ’peanut butter and jelly’ but I said ’jelly and peanut butter’ that’s the exciting bit."

"Oh brother."

"Would you like jelly and peanut butter sandwich?" Offers her his half eaten sandwich, accepting it she takes a bite. "It tastes better the ’jelly, peanut butter’ than the peanut butter and jelly."

She takes a moment to chew and swallow. Nodding. "Yes, it does."

"You’re not a journalist."

"Shut up."

"Blogs don’t count."

"Shut up."

"Would you like some milk with that."

"That would be good."

"We’re out of milk."

Before our commercial break a brief history of our two protagonists. The tall one, the male, aka the so called alien, but really we all are aliens to other intergalactic visitors, considering most of the reading audience to be human we will stick to the moniker of alien. The short one, the female aka the human one, we describe her as mousy, not that she is but we would like her to be. She doesn’t remember inviting Alien to stay with her or him telling her that he’s an alien, nevertheless he is living with her and he is.

This is not the story of how they met or why they currently are share a domicile.

Now back to the show.

"Shopping, yeah!" Alien blurted out.

"Why are you so excited?"

"I like shopping."

"Of course you do, you don’t have to pay for the food or help with the list you just run around touching everything and stealing nuts."

"It’s sampling."

"It’s stealing."

"Potato, tomato."

"Potato, potato."

"Same difference."

Rolling her eyes "Oh bother."

"Are potatoes on the list."

"Go grab a cart, remember push the cart do not get in it and scream ’go for the gold, on 1,2,3....yahoo’ understand."

"Sure, I’ll just push the cart... Down the ales and shout ’I’m superman’."

Human grabs him by the collar. "Better idea." dragging him over to Customer Service desk.

"Hello how may I help you." Asked the Customer Service Person.

"Joel." Said Alien.

"Joel." Added Customer Service Person.

"That’s your name today." Was Human’s quizzical response accompanied by wrinkling of her nose.

"I don’t like Joel, my name is Steve." Said Steve.

Confused Customer Service Person. "Hello Steve, how may I help you today."

"Actually I like Joel better, yeah I’ll be Joel today." Said Joel

Poor Confused Customer Service Person. "Hello Joel, how may I help you today."

"How about Bertie, I like Bertie, sounds better Bertie, Bertie, Bertie. Hello my name is Bertie." Said Bertie

Poor, Poor Confused Customer Service Person. "Hello Bertie, how may I help you today."

"John, ohh that’s a strong name, good name, nice old distinguished name." Said John.

"He’d like a job." Interpreted perturbed human friend.

"I what." Alien exclaimed turning in great shock to his human companion.

Relived Customer Service Person. "OK, great, I’ll just get you a job application form, I’ll be right back."

"A what?" Alien said still stuck on the word job.

"Job, you know that thing that makes money."

"I know job, it’s that thing that you humans do, I don’t."

"You do now."

"Do not."

"We, no money have, you get job, we may eat."

"Me no job want, you get job yourself."

"I have a job."

"Blogs don’t count" Alien with a sight name disorder rebuffed his human friend.

"Let me put it this way, no money, no shopping, no peanut butter, no jelly and peanut butter sandwiches."

Customer Service Person returns with application. Snatching the application out of the Customer Service Person hands. "I’ll take it." Alien declared.

Confused Customer Service Person asked. "Take what?"

"The job." Was Alien’s self assured reply.

Confused Customer Service Person. "You have to fill out the form first."

Reading the application aloud Alien asked. "Full name, would that be today’s name or tomorrow’s? Date of birth, would that be in galactic standard years or star years."

"I’ll help him fill it out." Human reassured the Confused Customer Service Person.

"Yes that would be a good idea." Said the Utterly Confused Customer Service Person.

Overheard by the Utterly Confused Customer Service Person that was seriously considering drastic mental health solutions, perhaps a lobotomy might even be in order. "Criminal record, do they want it alphabetically or chronologically, if it’s from another galaxy do they still want it, if I technically never served time does it still count?"

Later that same day at the kitchen table Alien sat figuring out how to best to answer what he considered trivial bits of personal data.

He pondered aloud while sipping English breakfast tea "Birth country, who knows."

"You don’t know where you were born." Human asked.

"Well I was a little too young to remember it." Alien snapped.

"Your parents never told you."

"Parents, what, no. Never thought of asking."

"And they just never told you."

"They never were much of talking, once went a whole cycle without saying a word, would of been longer but Ma needed the ketchup."

Loud thunderous noise.

"Did you hear that?" Human asked a perfectly logical question. To which Alien totally, believably answered.

"What? No, what noise? Didn’t hear a thing." and with renewed vigor continued with filling out the job application.

Loud thunderous noise that definitely could not be missed unless you were as deaf as a block of concrete and blind as a non eyed person because it was followed by a blinding white light.

"That." She retorted.

"Definitely didn’t hear any loud thunderous noises that are extremely suspicious. Or see any weird unexplained lights. Yup just your normal average day nothing to see."

She peeked out the lace curtains over the sink at the Giant UFO landing in the back yard.

"There’s a UFO in the back yard." Incredulously.

In a totally nonchalant tone alien asked. "What UFO?" While furiously scratching out what he had just written under previous occupation which was definitely NOT known criminal.

Taking Alien by the collar, dragging him out the back door. Human emphatically pointed at giant UFO that had taken up residence in the tulip bed.

"That UFO."

"How many times do I have to tell you, there are no such things as aliens"

"You’re an alien."

Alien takes a moment to contemplate on the absurdity of what he is about to say, but decides to says it anyways. "There are no other aliens, I am the only one."

"And your parents."

"And my parents." Alien agreed.

"And your sister."

"And my sister." Alien agreed.

"Don’t you have a brother also." Human added.

"And my brother." Alien added.

"But there is no such thing as aliens."

"There are no aliens whatsoever." Alien said with a completely straight face. The lair.

"I believe you." Human said.

"I don’t." Said a Third Party bystander with no connection to the plot.

"Would five bucks and a jar of peanut butter change your mind?" Alien resorts to bribery, the dirty rotten fink.

"What aliens?" Third party replied.

"That’s what I love about humans so simple."

"What planet have you been living on." Human said.

"Citroen 1 then Aromas, did a stint on Veltrop, bopped around a bit currently Earth, you?"

"You are starting to make it hard for me not to believe in aliens." Third Party that still has no connection to the plot remarked.

"Sorry, here’s a five." Pulls out a jar of peanut butter he from his pocket handing it over. "Run along now." Third party has now officially left the story.

"You keep a jar of peanut butter in your pocket."

This perplexed Alien. "You don’t ?"

"I thought you were supposed to always carry a trowel."

"What, no, where did you hear that rubbish."

"Peanut butter really?"

"I like peanut butter, besides it saved my life on Yuldovi four, kind of hard to talk with your tongue glued to the roof of your mouth. Good times."

"So back to the elephant in the yard."

"What elephant?" Alien looked round for the pink spotted elephant in the yard that he assumed was there. Because in Aliens mind all elephants were pink with polkadots

"The giant UFO in our yard."

"There is certainly no UFOs here, and definitely there are no strange alien creatures ominously appearing from inside the aforementioned UFO that is not currently parked on our tulip bed." He had started off a lot more confidently than he had ended that sentence. Continuing in a futile attempt to assure himself that what he saw was not happening instead lending his voice to a narration of horrific nature. “And They are not hobbling towards us in an oddly menacing but surprisingly fast pace.”

"You’re getting oddly specific."

"Would you care for a run? And I do mean run."

Cue the music that always play as the protagonists are chased around a place that has innumerable doors that are so interconnected and must have numerous tunnels for the logistics of what is seen to actually to occur. Considering that the house only had four doors, six if you count front and back doors it did not take very long despite their best efforts, before our protagonists were cornered,even before I finish typing this, oops...

"I had always imagined this ending up differently." Alien remarked. 

As of now there are currently several aliens in our drama and probably going to be more, Alien shall henceforth be known as Sally.^

"How." Human asked in a general sense of curiosity similar in how you always slow down for car wrecks in the hopes of seeing some unimaginable horror of mangled bodies. Just me. Carry on then.

Sally sighed. "Mostly I imagined escaping."

"That would have been ideal. So who exactly has captured us." Human asked.

Interrupting in a very rude manner was those strange alien creatures which I will not describe in order to not upset or traumatize those of a weak constitution. And not because I am lazy and stayed up all night writing this. So these creatures said something that really can not be translated into any conceivable form fit for human consumption, but which will kindly be translated by our dashing peanut butter loving alien protagonist.

His translation was as follows

“Um, ok so they want us to go with them, they say the prisoner and the one found with him should also come."

"Prisoner?"

"Yeah, remember when I said I never served time?" Sally asked.

"Yes." Human said regretting every time she hadn’t killed Sally thus far.

"It wasn’t from lack of trying on their part. They just never could manage to get me to stay in one place long enough." Sally reminisced as Human struggled with her unknown prospects.

"Why me." Human wailed.

"Ever hear of aiding and abiding."

"Oh brother."

"Best go along with them, you know for appearances sake."

Tune in next week for the continuing adventures of our protagonists. Will they serve hard time or will the dynamic duo escape the reasonably strict clutches of the law....

1. ^We do not like Sally, Sally once borrowed our waffle maker and didn’t return it. The rat.**
2. *The opinion of the narrator in no way shape or form affects the narration of the story that is being told.** 
3. ** I Lied 

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