Honestly Speaking Sex - Introduction

While the execution is complicated, messy, and fraught with potential anger, pain, judgement and blame, the aim of this book is simple. The goal is to show how gender equality, both inside and outside of the bedroom, makes sense and in fact will so greatly enhance our individual satisfaction and happiness that future generations might find it difficult to believe things were ever as bad as they are.

There will be many revelations here both of a personal nature, but more importantly from an historical perspective that may be shocking, disturbing, sickening or disheartening. There may be times when you are tempted to throw up your hands in despair believing that the problem is too big or maybe even overstated.

However, as cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead stated, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

Change is difficult. There is no sidestepping that fact. But the thing that makes it most challenging is our tendency to get so overwhelmed by the big picture that we forget how much impact small deviations in our own thoughts and actions can have.

And to be fair, that’s what we care most about. Every man and woman alive wants, in some fashion, to improve the happiness, satisfaction and success within their lives and the lives of those they hold dear.

My mission then is to lay out as clearly as possible our current situation, provide, with minimal personal bias and judgement, the mindsets that helped us arrive here. Then with a mix of luck and skill to infuse you with the unwavering belief that something better is possible, and you have the power to make it happen.

The book is broken into two sections. The first focuses on sexism, a word that like many of the “ism” words including racism, feminism, leftism, and rightism has become highly charged and often polarizing over the years. For some people, one or more of those words are such extreme triggers that many companies, websites and books have begun issuing warnings any time one of them might appear on a page.

This whitewashing of life will not get us where we want to be. As far back as the 16th and 17th centuries, there are recorded instances of the paraphrased sentiment that evil triumphs when good people do nothing. In other words, choosing willful ignorance over active participation only ensures that future generations will continue to suffer.

In our modern era there may not be an “ism” more emotionally charged than terrorism. Yet what could possibly be more insidious and frightening than images of women and children, snatched from their homes and sold into captivity for the carnal pleasure and financial benefit of their captors? Yet this is only the darkest side of what sexist, misogynist and chauvinistic thinking can lead to. Most of what I offer you is the ways in which gender inequality is so heavily entrenched in our everyday behavior that even the most “woke” among us don’t always notice its presence. I’ll provide you examples from my personal experience as well as evidence of the myriad ways that pop culture, the media and even our most trusted protectors, facilitate and even encourage sexist behavior and thinking.

The second area of focus, while containing some equally challenging concepts, is potentially where the real fun and “satisfaction” can be found. What a bizarre reality we experience. Sex is on our billboards and newsstands, in our music and social media, yet is a topic so wholly misunderstood and inadequately discussed that I recently learned of a woman who admitted to her doctor that despite having lived 70 years she’d yet to experience an orgasm. In this section, even more than in the first, my personal revelations are wide ranging and at times shocking.

I’ve long had strong feelings about what it meant to be a female in a largely male driven world. But most of those attitudes were heavily influenced by the prevailing conversation and sentiment with which I found myself surrounded. And like other important motifs in my life it went largely unexamined until events and outside pressures forced the issue across my desk, so to speak, and practically screamed for attention, acknowledgment, and study.

After said epiphany, I set out to learn what other people, both men and women, were saying about the god awful “F” word. I wanted to figure out both how my experiences fit into that dialogue as well as what they might offer in the way of help to others faced with similar life challenges. My experiences are exactly that, mine. I think it was said best by Roxane Gay in her book Bad Feminist: “We forget the difference between feminist and professional feminists. I openly embrace the label of ‘bad feminist’… I have certain interests and personality traits and opinions that may not fall in line with mainstream feminism, but I am still a feminist.”  

Therefore, this book is the honest, heartfelt and at times very painful, if not shocking, telling of my journey as a woman.  It examines as candidly and with as much objectivity as possible, the events of my life as they relate to all aspects of being a woman.

When I wrote my last book, I laid out all my well-worn and heavily dissected stories and views on paper before then discovering the ways those subjects were also being discussed by others. Much of that book covers other people’s stories as well and they are topics that the bulk of us are familiar with even if not comfortable enough to discuss them.

However, because the stories in this book are of a far more personal and sometimes graphic nature, many of them have only recently been shared within my closest circle and some will be revealed here for the first time ever.

I will also say upfront that a great number of people will find some of my choices offensive and even villainous. The only thing I can say to that is they were MY choices made within the context of my understanding and circumstances at the time they were made. I don’t put them on paper as a way of explaining, apologizing or asking forgiveness. The goal is only to show that life happens, we are all human, and most of us are doing the best we can with what we are given.

As best as I can, I describe my interactions with the significant people in my life and the myriad ways in which my gender was used against me, the ways it “helped” me and the ways that not understanding gender bias affected my entire life.

I must also acknowledge that, having come to many of my realizations after more than 5 decades of living as a female, I have only the benefit of inherently flawed hindsight and what must amount to a bit of revisionist memory to guide me. Most of the significant influencers from early in my life have died and cannot explain, deny or defend my interpretation of their actions.

But since they too would have their own challenges of perspective maybe it’s just as well that they aren’t here. Because ultimately this isn’t about who was right or wrong. My goal instead is to show anyone who is female or who has ever had contact with a female that there are a few acts, attitudes and aftereffects that are nearly universal. And that the consequences of these mindsets and experiences are often so subtle yet pervasive that having them go unnoticed for 50 years is not really all that surprising.

This isn’t about judgment, blame or punishment. My aim here, more than anything, is to open minds, incite curiosity, and encourage dialogue. Because this topic isn’t just about you and me. It isn’t just about what we know, don’t know, or think we understand but aren’t sure. Understanding, acknowledging, and repairing the system means coming as close as we possibly can to insuring the physical and mental safety as well as the joyful enrichment of the daughters, nieces, girlfriends, wives, and mothers of the future.

Another excerpt from the Sex book:

One of the reasons quality, effective communication is such a challenge is that most of us approach talking to others in the form most comfortable and accessible to us without considering how the person we are talking to actually receives that information. I myself am guilty of that sin in spades. I am a fast thinker, fast talker, and fast processor. If a train is the analogy, I am the bullet variety while others are locomotives. How that translates to our sex lives and the general difference between men and women is this: Men tend to be like eight-cylinder sports cars. They can go zero to vapor in fractions of a second. Women on the other hand are more like four-cylinder classic cars. While we do have a very distinct start button, that most men learn early how to push, we require more patience, finesse and some cajoling to get us up to speed. The good news is that I’m about to share some secrets that will have your lady’s engine purring in half the time and with results more exhilarating than the entire Fast and Furious series combined.