We all travel through time, even now. And now. And now. Time moves onward, from the second ahead to the second behind, making us passive time travelers. It is as if all of humanity sits on a conveyor belt, waiting until we fall off. This depressing thought is what inspired the invention of time travel. And as an experienced traveler of time, myself, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide this comprehensive guide. Herein you will find advice on how to comport yourself in a multitude of historical eras, past and future. Should you follow the advice laid out in this guide, I promise you will have a pleasant journey, and return safely. If not, you’ll probably die.

This is the 37th edition of Hail, Zlorp! Why so many editions of a book heretofore unseen? I have traveled through time to do research for this book, and in doing so have made little decisions that resulted in major historical changes. As such, I’ve had to travel throughout time again in order to correct the mistakes I previously made, and study further. This, the 37th edition, is the first to be seen as the publication of the previous 36 editions was erased from time space with this publication.

Now, in this the 37th edition of Hail, Zlorp! I can say with some confidence that you, too, can travel through time with nary a damaging effect on history. This is important to understand, for I would hate for you, dear reader, to put a seemingly innocuous scratch on a cave wall, only to return to modern times and discover you were never born. Imagine the stress that would cause! What’s worse, I’d have to print a 38th edition of Hail, Zlorp!

As such, I exhort wisdom in traveling through time. And I exhort you to keep this book handy at all times. Lacking wisdom, the book will help. Lacking the book, however, wisdom won’t do much good.

— Archibald Burroughs

Next Chapter: Chapter One: The Stone Age