1760 words (7 minute read)

Surveillance

“See! I told you Gorge had some of the cake, and trust me that’s the same cake I had. You could see where he’d used a fork to get more of it after he’d had a piece.” James looked up from the video with irritation.

“You realize you’re complaining about him grabbing with the fork when you later at the entire rest of the cake and you did it off the communal plate, right?”

“Yeah but forks go in mouths!”

“Entire cakes shouldn’t!”

“My wrist had been broken. Do you recall that? And me minding my own business. Your scared friend, you know, the one with the big scar over his eye? He just-

“Dave!”

“-what?”

“I was there!”

“Well why didn’t you say so?”

“I did! Now shut up and let me watch this. You were loud enough during the meeting as it is.” They had broken into the security office to find the man on duty very soundly asleep, which James had to admit was even more appreciated than it might otherwise been because their ramshackle plan had involved Dave as the decoy and James was not at all sure he could have handle it, despite the fact that it only required him to recount his wrist-breaking story until the guard became annoyed. Since he hadn’t gotten to share it with the guard Dave had decided to share it with James, which was a small price to pay for getting the treasure trove he assumed the tape to be. He hadn’t been able to decide its usefulness however, since Dave had not stopped nagging him through the entire time they’d had it. The tape player was coming up on the meat of the meeting though, and it was time for Dave to shut up so James could hear. He heard sniffles from Dave’s chair. Something to deal with later: you don’t become a space pirate and then cry when someone tells you to shut up. He turned his attention back to the film.

“-and then the boarding team will make its way to cargo 6. The Intel Department’s memo says that’s where the fuel will be stored. I told them not to put it in a memo, that we’d save paper if they’d just send it electronically but nevertheless here I have for each of you a paper copy that probably killed six trees and cost us more in the long run.”

“Cargo six, of course. I knew it. Now I’m definitely taking someone’s pocket-”

“For the last fucking time, Dave, you are NOT taking someone’s personal property. Much less a pocket watch. You don’t wear vests. Do you even understand what a pain in the ass that’s going to be? Gorge put the damn cake down and pay attention-”

“Captain it’s not about the function, it’s about the form. If people see me with a pocket watch they’re going to know I mean business-”

“You’re going to try and take someone’s pocket watch when you think people with pocket watches mean business? How stupid are you?”

“Not as stupid as I’ll be when I have my new pocket watch.”

“I’m not going to argue with that, and some day you’ll see why. Gorge! Cake! Down! And why the hell were you just stabbing at it with your fork?”

“Sorry, Cap. I just get hungry before a mission.”

“So eat a protein bar or some nuts. You’re just going to have a sugar crash and be useless for anything in an hour.”

“Nah, Cap, I’ll be fine.”

“You won’t be. But it doesn’t matter. Really just one of us has to be on this trip. So you can stay behind. When you crash try not to let the men see.”

“Cap, really, I’m not going to crash.”

“Whatever. Ok, team. So cargo six. Auxiliary loading bay, take a left, and it’s the third one. This stuff wants to blow up on its own, which those of you who’ve dealt with it before will know. That leaves Dave. Dave: this shit is explosive. And everything makes it blow up. If it isn’t frozen it will blow up. If you spill water on it, it will blow up. If you go in there and kick it, it might blow up. The people they send to load this stuff are walking dead men.”

“Right captain. Like I’m gonna do any of that stuff.”

“You did all three when we stole that load of uranium last month.”

“Yeah but that’s uranium.”

“Do you know what uranium is?”

“It’s that stuff you put in your drink to make it fizz, right?”

“It’s what they used to make nuclear bombs with, moron.”

“Wait, what?!”

“Yeah.”

“I kicked that!”

“I know. So don’t do it with this shit, ok? It’s worse.”

“Why did you let me kick a nuclear bomb?”

“First of all, I didn’t let you. Second, I kinda hoped you’d blow it up and die. True story. Human resources are important to me and this company but I’m not sure you’re a resource. Third, it doesn’t matter anyway. This conversation is over.” Dave looked crestfallen on the video, which James found eerie given that he was sitting next to Dave making the exact same face he had been making in the video. It was Dave in stereo, and James decided there might not be a more ridiculous situation to be in. His attention was drawn back to the video as Roy from the bridge cut in:

“Captain. It looks like the last flight just left the planet.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, they loaded up the fuel and stuff.”

“I feel like we’re missing something.”

“No, they filled it up. The guys went back inside and it’s en route now.”

“Fine. Let’s go. Gorge? Gorge! Wake up!”

“Huh- what?”

“You’re in charge.”

“That’s good captain. Have fun...”

So Cargo 6 is where they kept it. Also how’d she miss it? If the men were still on the planet that meant it wasn’t the last trip. Hindsight being what it was James was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt but it was definitely a conversation they needed to have if he got back, because if that was the kind of preparatory planning she was capable of then he really felt like he needed to be taking over that stage. Dave was still sniffling in his chair, looking particularly sad.

“Stop crying.”

“I’m not crying.”

“Water is literally dripping on the floor.”

“Ok well you were mean to me.”

“I’m a mean person Dave, and you’re an idiot. It’s like an invitation to dinner for Gorge.”

Dave snivel-laughed and said “Yeah, he can never turn those down.”

“Right, so maybe just don’t talk to me. Then I won’t have to be mean.”

“You could try not being mean on your own.”

“First, I want you to go talk to yourself in the mirror. Second, I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work. I just get frustrated and end up being even more mean later.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“Now why don’t you go get yourself some frozen yogurt.”

“Ok. Wanna go with me?”

“No, Dave. What did we just talk about?”

“How I shouldn’t talk to you.”

“Right, and what will you do if we go get yogurt?”

“Probably talk to you.”

“Exactly. Now go.”

“Ok. What are you gonna do?”

“Steal a shuttle and blow up a ship.”

“Ok.” Dave walked out of the room, and James heard his steps go down the hall. Now to figure out the timing. The shuttle they’d been kidnapped with was still down in the bay, and apparently it only took one person to fly it. Given that it was basically an interplanetary school bus and there are no stop signs in space he was pretty confident he could figure it out, but it was under the Ensler’s equivalent of a guard. He stood up and walked to the doorway, looking left and right to see if anyone was watching. They weren’t. He set off down the hallway toward the docking bay, aware that he was probably going to have to knock someone out and also make friends with the radar guy via radio in a really short span of time. Good thing he’d seemed like a nice guy, James thought, and turned a corner. Then, against all odds and against his entire being’s desire he ran smack into Dave.

“You’re gonna what?!?!”

Great, thought James. The one time he pays attention.