"That was when I decided it was time for me to come here and meet ya’ll," the fat man said as the tears began to stream down his face at this point in his story. The fat man’s voice quivered a couple times and he was able to regain his composure and finish his story.

But Daniel wasn’t interested anymore.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, with the third Saturday of each month this was where he was at. He was reluctant to come at first, spending the majority of his time drunk or working on getting drunk. It didn’t take long for his wife to officially file for divorce. About 6 months ago she began speaking to him again and at that point he figured if he was going to win her back he’d need to go to a support group.

“Thank you Peter,” Marla said. The fat man gave a faint smile and sat back down in his folding chair. Marla looked around for someone else to share their story.

To talk about how much of a waste their existence had become.

To try and pay attention to the person talking so you can get your opportunity to rattle on for a couple minutes.

The smell of burnt coffee and the coldness of the room was the only thing Daniel actually liked about these meetings. Some nights were busier than others, but there were never more than 15 people.

Marla looked over to Daniel and quickly moved on. She did so with a slight smile and a head nod. She was afraid of Daniel, she has seen many people in the same state that he was in but there was something about him that felt… off.

No, she wouldn’t ask Daniel tonight. Besides the majority of the people in the room were regulars and have heard his story at least once already. She eventually landed on another newbie and asked her to stand up and introduce herself, which always led to why they were here.

Daniel leaned back in his folding chair and slowly sipped his coffee from the Styrofoam cup. He listened to the beginning portion of the new woman’s (Sidney her name might have been) epically long story before he zoned out for the rest of the evening.

8:00 on the dot and Marla couldn’t wait for it to be over finally. She started folding the chairs as people began to flood out.

“Don’t forget that Thursday’s meeting will be cancelled, but next Tuesday we will be meeting again!” She said to those left.

She watched as the room emptied and eventually the only person left in the room with her was Daniel. He poured more coffee in his disposable cup and stirred it with a straw. She had seen him do this before, many times in fact, though she could never recall him ever pouring any creamer or sugar into the cup.

Marla supposed whatever he was stirring was hidden in a flask in his jacket pocket.

Figures, she thought to herself, he wouldn’t be the first person to do so here.

She didn’t blame him. She probably would need alcohol too if she was in his shoes. She folded the last chair and placed it against the wall; she heard the front door open and watched Daniel wave goodbye over his shoulder without turning around.

Thank god, she thought to herself. She poured the remaining coffee down the sink in the bathroom and left it on the counter. She turned off all the lights and locked the door behind her as she left.

She took out a piece of paper from her purse that she had printed earlier that evening. It was a reminder for anyone that missed her announcement as they left. It read:

“Thurs meeting cancelled- -

Will resume next TUESDAY, regular time!!!

-SUICIDE LOSS SUPPORT GROUP”

Daniel made his way to the second phase of his evening, the local watering hole.

            The moon was able to light up a good portion of the park as he crossed through it, the park was actually out of his way but he would walk it after every meeting. The tall trees and water fountains made him calm down while he was there. He would never admit that, but it was the truth. This was the only time of the night he didn’t have the overwhelming desire to drink.

            The inside of the bar was dirty, cleaning hadn’t been a high priority for at least a decade and it looked like how Daniel felt. The visibility was limited inside, half of the light bulbs were dead and too much of a hassle to replace apparently. The music came from a jukebox that had seen better days and only played hair metal. Two of the three pool tables had books under the legs to level it (although they were still not level) and the dart board had no darts.

            Simply put, the bar was horrid. The loyal customers were not there for the music, pool or darts, they were there for alcohol and not seeing anyone they knew.

            They were equally as damaged as Daniel.

            Daniel sat down and asked for a Jack and Coke. The young female bartender had it ready in a couple minutes; Daniel grabbed the glass and moved to the far end of the bar. This was his usual spot. It was the furthest away from the door you could be while still being at the bar. He sat down and took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, he stuck the stick in his mouth and lit it. It was illegal to smoke in bars, but a place like this wasn’t about to kick anyone out.

        Tonight was a special night, Daniel would be sure and get extra drunk tonight. Within the hour he had to more drinks. 

        He lost count after the next hour.

        The bar began to tilt.

        Daniel took this as a good sign. He leaned over and flagged down the bartender, all he needed was one more. She looked him up and down and gave him a cup of coffee. He laughed and paid his tab.

        The exit from the bar was not as smooth as Daniel had wanted. A trip into the neighboring table, over compensating in one direction led to running into another patron, and finally the tilted walk the rest of the way out.

        Who cared though? This night wasn’t about them! They can laugh all they want, Daniel literally couldn’t care less.

        The drunk man took out his cell phone and searched through his contacts.

        Brad.

        His thumb was arguing with the dial button, but eventually he was able to focus enough of his energy on getting it right.

        The phone rang.

        And rang.

        And rang.

        "Sorry you’ve missed me," the voice mail began, "please leav--".

        Daniel hung up and shoved the phone into his pocket.

        He began his walk again, no where left to go but home now and he would make sure and go through the park.

        The old entrance sign swayed in the wind, the branches to the pine trees jumped up and down. The gate was easy enough for a child to open, but annoying enough for a drunk to struggle. Daniel eventually gave up, deciding to tuck and roll over it.

        The wind was biting Daniels ears and he wished he had brought a beanie. He paused at the playground, the swing-set and slide in particular. They sat in the dark, just shadows beyond his reach. Daniel sat down at a bench and just stared in the direction. He quietness of the park mixed with the harshness of the window against the pine tree branches felt eerily similar this time a year ago.

        Daniel started to close his eyes, he knew the chances of him remembering tonight were slim.

        In and out of falling asleep, his head bobbed up and down.

        He was almost completely out when something touched his leg!

        Daniel jumped off the bench and felt it moving on his upper thigh! He began to swat at it... before realizing what it was.

        He reached in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

        Brad.

        "Hello?"

        "Hey... I’m sorry I missed your call. But you know how I am... I’m selfishly sleeping at 1:30 in the morning."

        Daniel paused and took a deep breath, "how did you do it Brad?"

        "Do what?" he answered.

        "When your father committed suicide," he continued, "how did you get back from the deep end?"

        Brad was quiet.

        Daniel wasn’t going to let it die.

        "You were WORSE than me! I remember seeing you at work... we were even had one of those, those, uh, intervention things. Remember?"

        Brad continued to remain silent.

        Daniel waited a second and tried to calm down.

        "Listen, I honestly don’t care what it was. I need help. You have been here, please I’m just asking for some advice."

        Daniel didn’t realize the tears rolling from his eyes, the quiver in his lips spread and rattled the words from his voice-box. "Please."

        Softly Brad finally answered, "where are you at?"

        The drunk man smeared a runaway tear from his face, "uh-h-h Elm Park, you know the swings and slides and stuff?"

        "Stay there, I’ll be there in 15."

         Daniel hung up the phone and leaned back.

        Good, maybe now I can get some sleep, He thought to himself.

        He closed his eyes and fell asleep. Daniel dreamt of his old life, when he still had his family. His wife, Elane, was in the kitchen making breakfast. He missed her face so much, he loved her with all of his heart and wanted to have her in his life again. Daniel watched as she poured the pancake batter onto the skillet and sizzled some bacon on a pan beside it. She wore that stupid red apron, Daniel hated it when they were together but it looked perfect on her at that moment. He began to move towards her, he wanted to hold her and kiss her. Tell her how sorry he was and that he needed her back in his life.

        "This is all your fault," she said with a smile. "You made this happen." She didn’t turn to look at him, she just continued to cook. Daniel began to walk over to her.

        Thump, Thump, Thump, footsteps from upstairs. He walked over to the stairs and began to slowly walk up them. His breathing began to change, it became faster and harder for him to catch his breath. Daniel began to cry before he reached the top, he knew what was about to happen. He fell to his knees at the top of the stairs. He saw Jed, as a toddler, coloring in his coloring book. Daniel had the picture hanging on the refrigerator for the last decade, a red fire truck. Kicking his legs in the air as he laid on his stomach. His son looked up at him and giggled. The toddler stood up and ran down the hallway, stopping and turning towards him at his bedroom.

        "Daddy, lets play!"

        Daniel stood up and began to walk towards his little boy, "OK Jed! Daddy is coming!"

        Jed laughed and ran into his room. The door slammed shut behind him. The hallway echoed the door with a mighty roar. The hallway became dark and gloomy. Daniel stepped over the coloring book and watched as the red fire truck began to morph into a pool of blood. He continued to walk down the hallway and stopped at his son’s door.

        Daniel opened the door and saw his son sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to him. Not a toddler anymore, but as a troubled teenager. His room was just as Daniel remembered it, posters on the wall, clothes covering the floor, the smell of body odor and the sad attempt to mask the smell with febreze. The room looked just as it did one year ago today. Daniel began to step forward.

        "Stop!" Jed yelled out at him. Daniel took a step back.

        "Son, what’s going on?" He felt the words squeeze out of his mouth. He had said them many times to Jed.

        "Just leave!"

        "Jed, talk to me," Daniel said and began to step forward again.

        Jed turned around and "NO!" as he turned Daniel could see that his eyes were hollow and black. Daniel tried to step forward, but this time his feet were heavy and weighted down.

        His son turned back around and Daniel for the first time noticed the shotgun propped against the bed beside his son. He recognized the shotgun, it was his. Jed grabbed the shotgun and positioned it below his chin.

        "JED STOP!" He yelled pointlessly.

        His son pulled the trigger.

        Brad showed up with a coffee in each hand, not a second after 15 minutes. He could smell the alcohol fuming from Daniel, it was harsh and thick. Brad sat down beside him on the bench and took a sip of one of the coffees. He paused and felt the urge to get up and leave him. He knew that eventually they’d be having this conversation, he knew that someday he would have to talk to Daniel and tell him his story. But, like an idiot, he never prepared for it. He never sat down and walked through the conversation in his head, he knew how stupid it sounded and he remembered vividly how he felt the night he first heard the story... he was just desperate enough to believe it.

        Hopefully Daniel was too.

        He took a deep breath in and started to elbow Daniel in the ribs. The drunken man moaned and rolled over, which led to Brad to swiftly shove him off the bench.

        Daniel shot up and threw out some heated words, none of which Brad could clearly make out over his own laughing. Eventually Daniel calmed down, he sat down and grabbed the coffee from his friend.

        "Bad dream," Brad said with a smile.

        He took a sip of the coffee, "I can’t remember."

        Daniel and Brad had known each other for over 15 years. They indirectly met each other when both of their kids became friends while at Cub Scouts. The kids quit the scouts soon after, but remained best friends ever since. Naturally, Daniel and Brad wound up getting to know each other well. Brad liked to hunt and fish, while Daniel would rather spend his spare time watching football or playing basketball. Brad enjoyed any beer that said "Lite", while Daniel preferred white wine. Although they didn’t seem like a match (on paper that is), Daniel and Brad would find themselves hanging out without the kids involvement. Daniel made Brad watch football and join his Fantasy Football league, and Brad had Daniel go hunting with him one fall (Daniel managed to get himself a deer, Brad joked that he has seen German Shepards larger than his deer).

        "Well?" Daniel eventually spit out.

        "Yeah, where do I begin?"

        Daniel took a sip of his coffee and leaned forward. The coffee was much better than the one he had earlier, it wasn’t burnt or watered down. It was also in a Styrofoam cup, Daniel assumed that Brad stopped by a gas station on his way over. He wasn’t sure where else he would get coffee this late?

        "Lets start with what you know from my story," Brad began, "this will save us a mass amount of time."

        Daniel took a sip of his coffee and began, "I remember about 3 years ago your son calling up Jed and telling him his Grandpa had committed suicide. From what I remember it had something to do with his financial situation and he was behind on bills, or something like that? And he had hung himself."

        Daniel paused and looked at Brad, who remained silent and listened deeply to what he was saying. "I remember that you began to drink heavily and would show up to your work hammered. You went strong for a couple months and all of a sudden you were back again. It was like you discovered the secret to forgetting over night."

        There was a long break in the conversation, Daniel finished the last of his coffee and dropped it in the trash can behind the bench. Brad sat back in the bench and began to talk, "you are right about some things, wrong about most."

        Daniel raised an eyebrow, "thats just how I remembered it. I’m sure I’ve forgotten much in the last couple years."

        "Do you remember what time of the year he died?" Brad asked.

        "Sometime in the summer, I remember us getting word while we were getting back from the lake."

       Brad smiled,  "Now let me tell you how it really happened."

        Brad stood up and motioned for Daniel to follow him. They began to walk down the pathway into the heart of the park, they passed the tennis court and walked further down to the North side of the park. Back in the 80’s the park had been a very small zoo, housing local wild life that lived in the area. Some of its tenants had been Deer, Elk, Coyotes, Peacocks, a Bear, and a Cougar (just to name a few), but the cost of maintaining the zoo was too high and the community didn’t support it enough to keep it running. All that remained now were the concrete slabs on the North end of the park, the skeleton of the old cages.

        "My father died before Christmas 4 years ago--"

        Daniel looked at him with confusion, he began to talk when Brad interrupted him.

        "Just keep listening. He died before Christmas about 4 years ago, he overdosed on his meds and my sister found him after he hadn’t returned anyone’s calls. It was really hard for me to grasp the fact that he was gone, and in such a selfish way..." He paused, The words were harder to say out loud than he thought they would be. He tried his best to not remember those times. "... I turned to alcohol for about a year or two. My wife left me, my own son didn’t even invite me to his wedding."

        Daniel stopped walking, "what are you talking about Brad?! None of this ever happened!? Your son isn’t even dating anybody let alone married?"

        "It all happened Daniel. I remember it vividly. I was at the end of it all, I could feel what my father was feeling the night he decided to end his life. And then I met this man named Adam.

        Adam had been where I was at years before, with his wife he said, and just as I am doing right now to you, he gave me some advice that changed my life. He showed me how to forget... it ended up being one of the hardest things I have ever done. I think about what I did every night and most nights regret what I had to do. But ultimately... it gave me my life back. You see, those couple of months you remember me drinking heavily was not because of my dad, but because of the regret I felt."

        "Brad, I have literally no idea what you are talking about!?" Daniel was beginning to get pissed.

        "I know Daniel, you will soon don’t worry. Let me ask you a question..."

        "What?"

        "What would you do to see your son again?"