Got me right into a situation that offered concern for a character--an outsider, scorned by his people is a good hook--and the situation develops with escalating tension. One suggestion, is there a personal grudge between Lady Magus and Duertanso? The intensity of her persecution can be explained by her agenda of using her forces to replace Duertanso's liquid fire, but if there were a personal grudge between them on top of that, it might increase the sense of D's jeopardy; just a thought.