Here’s the thing Ladies and Gents,
JF Dubeau and Paul Inman do a podcast called WriteBrain. In one of the recent episodes they interviewed Mr. G Derek Adams, author of Asteroid made of Dragons. Derek said something that struck home with me which was basically, the best way to promote your stuff is to make more stuff. I like that. I’m not great at writing these updates. Or blogging. Or social networking in a constructive way. I just like writing stuff that makes me laugh. In that spirit, I’m just going to share some stuff and I hope you like it. If you like it I hope you’ll check out my book and perhaps share my book. Either way I hope it gives you a laugh.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Dear Gillette Company,
As a loyal customer of yours for many years, I am writing now with a few questions. I hope you will be able to satisfy my curiosity and maybe give me some helpful hints that will lead to a more enjoyable shaving experience.
1. Why do your razors cost so much? I spend more on your razors than I spend on gasoline. Granted that is because I ride a bicycle and only use gas for huffing purposes. But I think you take my meaning. Did you know that in China, I can buy an iPhone for $17 American dollars through a vending machine? But still your razors cost me $19.95 for a pack of 10?
Not to knock your fine product, but an iPhone is a GPS enabled computer that can fit in my pocket, while all your product has to do is be sharp. Being sharp is a technological advancement we mastered roughly 4,000 years ago.
What’s the deal man? If I have to give up either shaving or huffing gas, I think you know which one it will be, but I’m going to get a lot of gas in my beard.
2: Is it possible for you to coat your Men’s razors with some kind of anti-lady chemical? When my wife uses my razor on her legs it gets very dull and it hurts my face. Could it perhaps shock her if she tries to shave her armpits with it?
3: Why so many blades? I’ll give you three blades. Fine, I get it, you like a ménage à trois of cutting action. Who doesn’t? But four blades? Five blades? This is getting ridiculous. I don’t need a blade orgy on my face. How am I supposed to control that many blades? Have the blades become self-aware? That many blades makes it seem like they’re plotting something and I don’t like it.
4. Why did you have to take the printer ink industry under your wing? Why did you school them in the ways of market manipulation? Your whole “give away the product but the refills are marked up 600%” philosophy? Thanks to you people I often find ink-jet printers in my breakfast cereal, but have to take out a second mortgage if I want to buy enough ink to print my "Why Razor Blades Are So Expensive" pie charts in color.
Not cool Gillette. Not cool.
5. Is there an official Gillette advice guide on how a man can shave his "private areas?" I don’t mind telling you that I’m having some trouble. There have been some minor accidents and in case you are unaware, that entire area is pretty venous. Prone to bleeding is what I’m getting at. If you can help me out at all, I would really appreciate it. I’m going through a lot of underwear.
6. May I have some free Gillette MACH3 Turbo razors? There’s no compelling reason for you to give me free razors. But there’s no really compelling reason for you to NOT give me free razors.
You’re going to give some jerk free razors this week, it might as well be me.
In closing, thank you for your fine, sharp, razors which have been scraping hair from my body for decades. I wish you well, please stop adding blades, please give me free razors and you had better hope nobody invents an iPhone app that can remove hair from my body.
Oh and while we’re at it, please order a copy of my novel, Monkey Business and share it with all the fine people who use your razors. They’re clearly got money to burn.
Sincerely,
Landon Crutcher
(These are not my hands, in case there was any confusion)
For A limited time only !!!
Well, here we go!
THE EBOOK IS LIVE AND READY FOR YOUR DOWNLOAD! Just login to Inkshares, click your profile pic in the right corner, go to your bookshelf and DOWNLOAD!
Also, the physical copies of the book are at the warehouse and begin shipping ASAP! By the end of the week (roughly) you should have your copy of AGELESS in your hand, just like the one below!
When you get it, TAG IT and yourself on ALL social media with the hashtags #AgelessByPaulInman, #scifibooks, and tag me @paulinmansc on Twitter and Instagram!
REVIEWS ARE THE LIFE BLOOD OF BOOKS - read the story then keep Ageless alive (heh, puns) by posting a short written review on the following platforms:
GOODREADS PAGE - NOW OPEN and we are 4.75 out 5 stars!
AMAZON PAGE - Not open yet, but it will open SOON (around Pub date, May 3rd). Just copy your Goodreads review to the Amazon page when it’s live.
I’m shooting for at least 60 positive reviews on these platforms, which is VERY doable! Just talk about why you liked it...or I’ll make it easy for you - just copy and paste -
I loved the book! Pick up a copy!
(IF you feel like the story wasn’t up to your standards please contact me HERE in lieu of a poor review, and tell me how I can grow as a writer for my next project. It would benefit me more to have an open conversation with you than a poor review)
Don’t forget, WE HAVE A VENUE FOR THE LAUNCH PARTY! I’ve partnered up with a local comic book shop called Coastal Comics! Saturday, MAY 7, 12-2pm. Come and hang out with me! Get your copy of Ageless signed and maybe hear a reading and MAYBE get some free swag...(again, who is paying for that?) Also, pick up a free comic book while you’re there for Free Comic Book Day!
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Last, but certainly not least, this entire experience is possible because of YOU. I couldn’t have made it this far without your support. Thank you will never be enough.